Astrologer To The Critters

MITZI: Like, hi and stuff!  Welcome to Madame Mitzi’s Totally Psychic Show!  Madame Mitzi will, like, totally take calls from critters seeking my divine guidance to… um… help them in their lives or something!  You know, just like Dionne Warlock used to do before the Feds totally showed her the way to San Quentin for fraud!  Let’s, like, take the first caller!  Hello, this is your psycho Madame Mitzi!  How can I totally use my powers to guide you to starvation?

SNUGGLE: Yo, ‘sup Madame Mitz?  Damn, you look fucking sexy in that low cut robe!  I heard you can help out critters with their love lives… not that I need help, obviously!  But, ya know… I’d kinda like to know when I’m gonna get my next lay!

MITZI: Oooooooooh, Madame Mitzi can totally help you get ready for sexy times!  Let me, like, look inside my crystal balls!

MITZI: Oooooooh!  Madame Mitzi totally sees you getting it on very soon!  I see, like, wham bam ba lam, oh Black Betty all night long!  And you can totally leave your condominiums at home!

SNUGGLE: I’ll get to ride bareback?  Fuck yeah!!!!

BIG SCRAT: I think you mean Brokeback, Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear!

SNUGGLE: Nooooooooooo!!!!!  This psychic reading was a load of crap!  I want my money back!!!

BIG SCRAT: Why?  Madame Mitzi is right… I’m gonna be pounding those fluffy buns until you see the constellations!  Speaking of stars, I’m fresh out of Astroglide, so it’s au naturale…

SNUGGLE: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllppppppppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: Awwww, helping my viewers totally get some romance back in their lives gives me a moist feeling in my crotch pot!  Time to, like, take another call from a desperate soul!

TROLL: Yeah, is this Madame Mitzi?  Hey, I’m kinda down on my luck right now, and I was wondering….. do you see me, you know, finding a job anytime soon?  Like, preferably before my phone bill comes?

MITZI: Ooooooooh…. Madame Mitzi’s gonna have to, like, totally concentrate like frozen orange juice on that.  Er, nevermind, that’s totally making Mitzi insane in her membrane!  I know!  Madame Mitzi will turn this question over to the tea leaf reading expert The Almost Amazing Fuzzywig!

MITZI: Like, use your gift of telling the future to totally answer the caller’s question!

Awkward silence…

MITZI: Ummmmm, Mr. Almost Amazing Fuzzywig?  Like, hello!

FUZZYWIG: (Snapping out of his daze) What?  Are the brownies finally done?  Oh, wait, where am I?

MITZI: You’re, like, on TV helping Madame Mitzi do psychic stuff!

FUZZYWIG: Psychic?  I thought my agent said this was a psychedelic show.  My bad.

MITZI: You need to, like, read your leaves for our caller!

FUZZYWIG: Read them?  How ’bout I smoke them instead?

TROLL: Hello?  Are you still there?  Man, this 900 number is costing me $6.99 a minute!  Can we hurry things up a bit please?

MITZI: Like, sorry dood!  We’re having, um, testicle difficulties here!  Madame Mitzi will have to put you on hold…

TROLL: Oh shit, I hope this isn’t the long version!  I’ll end up owing more money than that time my parents had to pay for me calling the Rosanne Barr sex line when I was a kid!

MITZI: Time for our next caller!  Like, how can Madame Mitzi make your future so bright you gotta wear shades?

SPARKLEPONY: Hello, Madame Mitzi.  I’m wondering if you can help confirm my suspicion that my husband is cheating on me with some floozy.  Every night he comes home smelling like a skank, claiming he was just “entertaining” at another girl’s birthday party.  I want to know what my Rainbow Donkey’s been up to!!!

MITZI: Oh, like, Miss… Madame Mitzi thinks your hubby wubby is, like, totally faithful and stuff!

SPARKLEPONY: Are you sure?

MITZI: Totalies!  Like, I can see him now…

SPARKLEPONY: In your crystal ball?

MITZI: No, like… he’s backstage in Madame Mitzi’s dressing room totally lying on the couch!  In his sex-ay little Fruit of the Looms and…

RAINBOW DONKEY: Uhhhh, Mitzi, I really don’t think you should be saying things like that on live television…

MITZI: Your studly wuddly stallion is, like such a beast in the stable!!!

RD: You’re going to get me confined to the hayloft when I get home….

MITZI: And he’s, like, almost as big as my big girl toys!!!  #Swoon

RD: (Sigh) Or hung from the ceiling fan by my nutsack….

MITZI: You are suck a totally lucky wifey, ma’am!!!  Hello?  Like, are you still there?  Um, operator?

FUZZYWIG: Reply hazy, try again.  I think your next sucker’s on Line 420…

BUSTER: Hello!  This is my first time consulting with a real psychic.  I’d just like to know how I’m going to die in this episode.

FUZZYWIG: Dude, you’ll ruin the surprise!

MITZI: Like, Madame Mitzi can totally pick up the vibes from your anticipation of doom!  This, like, totally calls for me to consult the wheel of fortune!  Or as I like to call it, Madame Mitzi’s Wheel of Deathies!!!

MITZI: Madame Mitzi will, like, totally give the wheel a final spin!

FUZZYWIG: I’d like to buy a vowel…

Mitzi grabs the side of the wheel and spins it with enough force to adversely affect the rotation of the earth.  Round and round and round she goes, where she stops, nobody knows……

BUSTER: Oooh, come on Wood chipper!  I’ve always wanted to try that way to die…

SAGE: It’s “Death By Zeeba,” Madame Mitzi!

MITZI: Yaysies!!!!  This will be, like, so much fun!!!  And it can’t hurt our ratings either…

BUSTER: So you’re the instrument of my demise?

ZEEBA: What, you were expecting the Stay Puft Marshmallow Critter?  I got skateboardback rides, and I’m gonna shred these wheels all over your face, motherfucker!!!

BUSTER: Shouldn’t you be wearing kneepads and a helmet so you don’t get hurt…

ZEEBA: MOMMY!!!!  Look what I did!!!!!

MITZI: That’s my baby grrl!!!!  Madame Mommy’s, like, so proud of you!!!!

MITZI: Next caller, please!

MARY: I’m seeking out the great Madame Mitzi for some astrological advice.  Got some good news for a cute little Aquarius?

FUZZYWIG: Shouldn’t you be a Capricorn?

MARY: I’m not a goat, dumbass.  I’m a lamb.  Caprine, ovine…. two completely different species.  Except that I am quite horny…

MITZI: Darnsies!  Madame Mitzi hasn’t brought in the newspaper yet to read you your horoscope.  But I, like, totally have someone who can help you!

MITZI: Like, howdies water bearer!

RAINY: I am NOT a water bearer?  Do you see any water in my precious rain gauge!?!?

FUZZYWIG: Could you get me a beer, then?

MITZI: Like, tell our caller what the future holds for Aquarium!

RAINY: I’ll tell you what Aquarius can expect in the future…. absolutely NOTHING!  Your life already sucks and things are just going to get worse every single day.  The stars that guide your destiny all got vacuumed up into a giant black hole along with all of the rain we never get on this Shelf!  Why would you even want to know what miserable things are in store for you?  Are you some kind of freaking masochist or something?

RAINY: Quit bothering me with your ridiculous questions about what stars were in the sky the moment you were hatched!  Go do something useful and productive with your life!  Like give blood!  Clean the trash off of the streets!  Go do a rain dance for me!!!  Dammit, the idiots who call in to this show really piss me off!!!!

Rainy stomps off in a huff, leaving plenty of her mystical nasal essence behind…

FUZZYWIG: Just what I needed… some skunk to go with my skunkweed.

MITZI: Like, we have time for one more caller before Madame Mitzi has to go powder her nose!  Hello?

VAL: Yeah, you got the winning lottery numbers for tonight?  Wait, why am I asking?  You don’t look rich to me.  What a fraud this whole show is!

MITZI: Madame Mitzi, like, doesn’t play…

VAL: Give it up, toots!  You don’t know the future any more than the weather idiots on TV do…

MITZI: I can totally hear this caller so loud that I think, like maybe…

VAL: Like, maybe I’m here in the studio with you!  Wow, a real fucking Nancy Drew we have here.  No shit, Shirley McClaine…

MITZI: Why are you being such a big meanie to Madame Mitzi?  You’re gonna totally make my mascara run…

VAL: Oh, boohoo buttercup!  You go on live fucking television and claim to have some kind of psychotic powers and bilk naive critters out of millions of dollars in phony phone charges, and want to whine about being treated mean.  You’re a bigger joke than that loudmouthed Jamaican bitch was…

FUZZYWIG: Now now, Jamaicans are some might fried… er, I mean FINE people!

VAL: And that cheap ass Magic 8 Ball you “see the future” in is a complete sham too, am I right?

MITZI: No, it’s like totally a magical crystal ball….

Val flips over Madame Mitzi’s magical crystal ball….

VAL: HA!  For once, your “crystal ball” actually DOES know something!

MITZI: See!  It’s, like, got magical powers and….

VAL: (Charging up her horn’s power) I’ll show you magical powers you two bit gypsycorn!

FUZZYWIG: This would be a great time to head to the fridge in the green room for some munchies…

VAL: I’m putting your sideshow off the air for good, Jeane Dixon!  Here’s 1.21 gigawatts full of psychic vibes for your pathetic mind to pick up on….

Madame Mitzi drops her head just in time to avoid Val’s beam of destruction…

VAL: Well, shit!  That didn’t work like it was supposed to!  Oh well, my grouchicorn death ray only got deflected into the vast emptiness of space.  No big whoop….

SHADOW: I just felt a great disturbance in the force.  Like millions of possums were….

PASS: Eh, it’s probably just the lousy food in this cantina going through your insides.

SHADOW: (Holding his belly) I do believe you’re right.  Well, at least the music is quite acceptable.

PASS: May the Tenth be with you!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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18 Responses to Astrologer To The Critters

  1. I think they are ALL going to die of death by 8-ball.

    I have that identical V-Tech (shhh, the Chinese are listening) phone here.

    • It’s a nice phone… when it isn’t ringing off the hook like it has this week. I apparently recently got put on some call list for every senior health insurance scam in the world, and I literally get about 25-30 calls per day now. I’m ready to heave ho it out the window… I can get by without contact to the outside world.

  2. Death by 8-Ball, awesome! lol

  3. Trisha says:

    I love the wheel of death. Wood chipper, fire ants, paper cut – you have quite the array of deaths there!

    I love the psycho Madame Mitzi too, leading her callers to starvation. Her Mitzi-isms always crack me up!

    • When I did the first Madame Mitzi episode two years ago, someone told me I should make her a regular feature. Mitzi certainly makes a great psycho psychic, but it’s very hard to properly pose her with such an elaborate costume that continually likes to fall apart and come undone…. not that Mitzi hates it when she has a wardrobe malfunction…

      The Wheel of Deathies was the idea that got this episode made, because despite stewing on the exact “plot” of this story for a couple days, all I still had Friday morning was a bunch of random meh ideas….

  4. Madame Mitzi certainly (cough cough) helped a lot of critters out with her Magic 8-ball…..The Wheel of Death is a keeper – Even Buster was “up” for it. I wonder, does he have a “frequent flyer” (or frequent dier) discount at the local blood bank? He should.


  5. Madame Mitzi’s Wheel of Deathies!!! OMG I’m spitting my coffee out this morning (almost) reading this. Bahahahahahahaha

  6. draliman says:

    Poor Buster. Is it telling the future when you make it happen? And Rainy, ever the optimist.
    Your set of the Mos Eisley Cantina is so realistic, it’s like I was there…

    • Ah, Madame Mitzi and her wheel merely divined what would happen moments before it happened. I mean, everyone knew it was going to come up Zeeba…

      I put even more work into my settings and special effects than that Lucas hack ever did…

  7. Only Mama Mitzi could do this post on a Mother’s Day weekend. 🦄

    • Considering last year’s Mothers Day episode had her little ones giving Mitzi a special “adult” gift for the occasion, this may have been a step down (or up?) on the ruining a sentimental holiday meter…

  8. Oh dear, so much happening to everybody, a dead wheel also. Madame Mitzi is amazing, you should was her mouth sometimes with soap…
    What an imagination you have.

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