If you were a kid at any point in the past 60 years, you have undoubtedly quenched your thirst with the one and only sugary fruit drink Kool Aid. And even if you were raised by possums and somehow missed out on the Kool Aid experience, you’re certainly familiar with the official spokespitcher for the product, the one and only Kool Aid Man.
Here’s an old commercial for Kool Aid from the greatest decade of all time. This ad seriously couldn’t scream “1980’s” more if it was being rapped to by Ronald Reagan…
Kool Aid intended to market itself as an innocent looking kids drink that was so cheap and easy to make that no mom in the world could resist buying it for their children. Those plans all went to hell when they hired Kool Aid Man to be their mascot. This dude has some serious issues that would have most mothers today clutching for the minivan keys hanging around their neck.
Kool Aid Man came to this planet from a world without doors, which is the only possible explanation for why he can only make an entrance by crashing through a wall. Kool Aid Man broke through plaster, wood fences, brick and even cement walls in commercials throughout the decades. Amazingly, he never managed to maim or kill any of the innocent children who were just thirsty for some Kool Aid with his wall shrapnel, or if he did, Kool Aid’s insurance company worked quickly behind the scenes to pay off the affected parties and hush everything up.
Not only did Kool Aid Man have violent tendencies when it came time to make an entrance, but the lazy fuck wouldn’t even clean up the mess he made by choosing to create his own door. Not one time did Kool Aid Man apologize for the giant pitcher sized hole he made in anyone’s wall or offer to pay for the damages. Graffiti artists get busted for vandalism all the time, but at least they leave the object they violated looking pretty. Kool Aid Man creates a public eyesore and probably hasn’t spent a day in jail for it… not that there’s a jail out there that could hold his badass self…
What makes Kool Aid Man an even worse influence on kids is the obvious fact that he’s been taking a whole heap of steroids to attain his wall-breaking powers. I tested out his favorite pastime by filling a glass pitcher full of Kool Aid, taking it out behind my house and throwing it as hard as I could against the wall. My house isn’t the sturdiest out there, but when this trial was all said and done, my wall stood there laughing at the red mess dripping down its side onto the shards of glass below. Sorry Kool Aid Man, but it just isn’t natural for a glass object to be able to break through walls. What gives?
So the next time you pour yourself a nice refreshing glass of Kool Aid, think about what you are supporting by drinking it…. a freakishly oversized pitcher who carries around his own facilities, who offers his own secretions to thirsty children, who has absolutely no respect for the property nor the safety of others, who thinks that a little “Oh yeah!” makes him look cute enough to forgive the collateral damage of his visit, and who has the absolute most creepiest shit-eating grin that literally could be wiped off his face. He’s either a product of Three Mile Island or maybe a reject from Misfits of Science… but regardless of his origin, he is the one and only Kool Aid Man. And should you ever find yourself in a situation where a nearby child calls out for Kool Aid, there’s only one sure way to stay safe from a surprise Kool Aid Man attack…. stand in front of the door. It’s the last place he’d think to enter…
That is a quality commercial.
Definitely. The construction of the walls, however…
Thanks for pointing out the truth…Kool-aid man is a douche.
A douchepitcher? LOL!!! Now we know what he has on ice….
Daughter: Mom, have you ever had that not so fresh feeling?
Mom: Yes dear, what you need is some Massengill…
Massengill Man: (Crashing through wall) Oh, yeah!!!!
I remember, a long time ago, when I was a kid…the advertisements used to tell moms that Kool Aid was better for your kids because you made it with your OWN sugar! Yes, your own white sugar. I think we put an entire cup of sugar in. It was a lot of fun and stained our mouths! Better living through chemistry! And there was Funny Face. Does anyone remember that? Then my mom started to recycle and eat organic (fake soy meat, bean sprouts replaced pasta, more sprouts) so we replaced all the sugar bomb drinks with herbal sun tea.
Every time I’d try to make Kool Aid, I’d put the wrong amount of sugar in, and it would taste like crap. My Grandma knew what how to make Kool Aid totally rock though… she filled her ice cube trays with it! “Colored icecubes” was our favorite treat at her house!
Reblogged this on Knocked over by a feather and commented:
Please check out my brother from another, he is a really funny dude.
Now I know the truth about this guy … maybe he can make a career as a porn star? “Oh yeaaahh”
Well, that brings a new meaning to Kool Aid Bursts….
I had some comic books starring the Kool-Aid Man as a child. I’m kind of surprised Hollywood hasn’t tried making them into a movie yet.
Now there’s an idea for 3-D! Kool Aid Man bursting through the screen! Unfortunately, he’d violate the “no outside drinks” rule at theaters….
I’m sure they could work out some sort of promotional tie-in where theaters sell Kool-Aid
I miss the commercials of yesteryear!
The ads back in the 80’s were awesome! Completely wacked out, but awesome!!!
’80s ads were the craziest. It explains so much about our generation. 😉
Yes! It was a smorgasbord of wackiness…
How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?
What is it with fruit juice mascots and violence!?!?!? And they say whiskey makes you mean…
The companies were contractually obligated to subliminally warn parents about would happen once they tank up their destructive little Tasmanian rugrats with liquid sugar and them let them loose on an unsuspecting society. Despite all that, parents did it anyway….oh, yeah!
I just realized how close the douchepitcher’s catch phrase is to another 80’s icon… Macho Man Randy Savage. How did I miss this before??? I’m going with I was a kid and completely brainwashed by commercials I watched during Saturday morning cartoons.
The Macho Man!!! Back when wrestling was actually cool!
And he did commercials for Slim Jim with another mascot who enjoyed making “grand entrances”….
We had great commercials back in the day, our PSA’s were my favorite! (the pills singing “this is serious, we can make you delirious …” how awesome was that one? I still sing it before I take meds LOL)
I’ll have to look that one up! I’ll definitely be doing a Tuesday post at some point on those wacky anti-drug PSA’s of the 80’s….
My bro made the unique discovery in university that if you drink too much kool-aid, you will pee in rainbow colours!
I didn’t know that! Unfortunately, I did know that kidney stones can make you pee pretty colors as well….
Parents faint now if red cordial arrives. They fear “hyperactivity” I miss the old days before anyone knew anything and you just ate and drank what you wanted to without food police popping up and telling what is wrong with everything. I believe “a little bit of what you fancy does you good”
One of these days, the food police will have come to the conclusion that everything will kill you, and we’ll all starve to death!
Awww. It never occurred to me that he should have gone through doors not walls. Hmmm.
KOOL AID — OH YEAH!!!!
Having typed that, I’m certain he’ll be stomping through my wall at any moment. Better hide the dogs. =P
Hurry and get yourself and the muttlies in front of the door!!!
Is that last image an “Alien” Kool Aid guy busting out of his chest?
I was laughing at your sicko jokes and law suits with hurt children from the crashing pitcher. Only you would insert bodily fluids into this. How in the world do you come up with this junk? (I am laughing and teasing you, E.S.) 🙂 🙂
I consider everything you said to be a compliment! This was the post that really got me rolling on mocking old TV ads… and I can’t even begin to explain what is going on with that crazy tattoo!