NOTE: If you haven’t already noticed by now, I’m a bit peculiar in my tastes. They don’t often agree with the norms. So today, I’m beginning a new irregular series (as in, it won’t be weekly nor confined to a certain day) to post about things I think are overrated in our society. These posts will have a heavy dose of my very own opinion, and possibly be extremely ranty. Today’s topic can be found right outside your front door, unless you live in the concrete jungle…
Question: Do you buy a house to live on the inside of it, or the outside?
I’ll give you a few minutes to think about it…
Some people’s yards look better than than their living rooms. Lawn care products sell like crazy at my store in the Spring and Summer. What is it with the obsession over how “pretty” our yards look?
OK, I stay inside waaaay more than most normal people do. About the only times I’m ever even standing in my yard are when I’m refilling the corncob feeder or mowing the damn grass. Whoever invented the lawnmower didn’t have a huge fucking yard, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, this cozy little house I was able to find has an expansive backyard which the city Nazis say I must keep trimmed to an unreasonable short length or else face stiff penalties. The one good thing about how hot and dry it was last summer was that it turned my lawn into this:
I had to break out the lawnmower just twice the entire summer. And I didn’t give a care in the world that my lawn was brown and yellow. Served it right for growing so tall when it rained all Spring. Die grass, die!!!
You think I give a shit if grubs are feasting on my lawn’s roots, or if dandelions are sprouting up everywhere?
And then there are those who obsessively water their lawns… even in the middle of a drought. Yeah, that makes sense. We’re all thirsty, and you’re giving the yellow grass a damn two hour drink! You misguided people are the Dusty Bottoms of suburbia!!!
I’m sure by now you all must think I’m that crummy neighbor who is infesting your lawn with my flora vermin and dragging your property values into the toilet with my outdoors eyesore. Well, I have something growing in my yard that you can sit on….
Here’s to those out there like me whose only item of lawn care equipment is a mower. We aren’t lazyass good for nothing neighbors, we just have different priorities than you do. If you want to spend the entire weekend poisoning four leaf clovers and spreading animal feces on your lawn, that’s fine and dandy with me! It’s a relatively free country. But don’t expect me to waste hours of my time and dollars in my wallet beautifying my outdoors when I choose to live inside instead. The squirrels don’t care about the grass, so why should I?