Kiss My Grass

overratedNOTE: If you haven’t already noticed by now, I’m a bit peculiar in my tastes.  They don’t often agree with the norms.  So today, I’m beginning a new irregular series (as in, it won’t be weekly nor confined to a certain day) to post about things I think are overrated in our society.  These posts will have a heavy dose of my very own opinion, and possibly be extremely ranty.  Today’s topic can be found right outside your front door, unless you live in the concrete jungle…



How suburban....

How suburban….

Question: Do you buy a house to live on the inside of it, or the outside?

I’ll give you a few minutes to think about it…

Here's a little music while you ponder...

Here’s a little music while you ponder…

Some people’s yards look better than than their living rooms.  Lawn care products sell like crazy at my store in the Spring and Summer.  What is it with the obsession over how “pretty” our yards look?

Go to hell, Scott!  This guy's lawn is as green as a gofl course, and you have him a nervous wreck!

Go to hell, Scott! This guy’s lawn is as green as a golf course, and you have him a nervous wreck!

OK, I stay inside waaaay more than most normal people do.  About the only times I’m ever even standing in my yard are when I’m refilling the corncob feeder or mowing the damn grass.  Whoever invented the lawnmower didn’t have a huge fucking yard, that’s for sure.  Unfortunately, this cozy little house I was able to find has an expansive backyard which the city Nazis say I must keep trimmed to an unreasonable short length or else face stiff penalties.  The one good thing about how hot and dry it was last summer was that it turned my lawn into this:

Burn baby burn!

I had to break out the lawnmower just twice the entire summer.  And I didn’t give a care in the world that my lawn was brown and yellow.  Served it right for growing so tall when it rained all Spring.  Die grass, die!!!

You think I give a shit if grubs are feasting on my lawn’s roots, or if dandelions are sprouting up everywhere?

hee hee hee!

Dandelions are purty!

And then there are those who obsessively water their lawns… even in the middle of a drought.  Yeah, that makes sense.  We’re all thirsty, and you’re giving the yellow grass a damn two hour drink!  You misguided people are the Dusty Bottoms of suburbia!!!

I’m sure by now you all must think I’m that crummy neighbor who is infesting your lawn with my flora vermin and dragging your property values into the toilet with my outdoors eyesore.  Well, I have something growing in my yard that you can sit on….

Maybe this will remove that stick you have in your nether regions...

Maybe this will remove that stick you have in your nether regions…

Here’s to those out there like me whose only item of lawn care equipment is a mower.  We aren’t lazyass good for nothing neighbors, we just have different priorities than you do.  If you want to spend the entire weekend poisoning four leaf clovers and spreading animal feces on your lawn, that’s fine and dandy with me!  It’s a relatively free country.  But don’t expect me to waste hours of my time and dollars in my wallet beautifying my outdoors when I choose to live inside instead.  The squirrels don’t care about the grass, so why should I?


Help!!! I think I’m being gnawed on by a Venus flytrap!!!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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18 Responses to Kiss My Grass

  1. Amen!! One of the things we always joke about since we’ve been living on the road is missing the lawn care torture of a stick and brick house with a yard. That is to say… we point and laugh at people sweating their asses off pushing, driving, lugging around every variety of lawn care maintenance machinery on the market … as we drive by in the comfort of our air-conditioned truck. “SUCKERS!” Baaahaaahaaa Great post! Put your feet up, grab your laptop and enjoy your Sunday Funday 🙂

  2. Oooh! My lawn looks like yours. I hate mowing so much (mostly because I’m allergic to grass) and if I thought I could get away with it I’d kill it all and replace it with rock. I love greenery, I just hate the upkeep.

    • Really! I’d love to pour concrete over the whole yard if it wouldn’t be so expensive. Well, I guess I’d have to leave a small sanctuary around my tree for my arboreal buddies….

  3. merbear74 says:

    Damn right, I hate that yard shit!!

  4. gentlestitches says:

    I grew up with people who had a serious lawn obsession, you could almost call it a fetish. Well I grew up I can’t speak for anyone else. To keep it short can I just say ” I really do not like lawns”. Also I live near a creek and the council is beautifying it with indigenous plants that don’t need to be watered or mowed because they are the plants that thrive in this environment. Gee! Who would of thought of that?
    Native gardens are slowly catching on here.
    Did I mention I REALLY don’t like lawns? 🙂

    • That sounds like a great idea! I’m going to petition the city to protect the indigenous dandelion! Every yard will be peppered with pretty yellow and white flowers with no maintenance required!

  5. pishnguyen says:

    Woo Hoo! Well said!! I love the idea of a beautiful, park-like lawn. But I know I don’t have it in me to make my idea a reality. Ha! 😀

    Now, a tangle of flowers and native plants — that I would LOVE.

  6. C.K. Hope says:

    I like how the dandelions look spotting up the boring green grass, it gives the lawn a splash of color!

  7. Juliette says:

    I’ve discovered that having a house built on river rocks and lawns don’t mix…and my mower NEVER works. My neighbor is obsessive about his lawn, but then again, I don’t think his wife likes having him inside of the house for more than 8 hours a day. I’m killing my lawn in favor of native plants (expensive upscale weeds I can buy at the nursery) and planter boxes, but my squirrels don’t care as long as they have someone to bark at.

  8. Pingback: Kiss My Grass | West Coast Review

  9. psquirrel says:

    LOVED this post!! Lawns are unnatural!!! =) Better to live with nature then try to fight it all the time.

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