No Pets Allowed

Wait.... what's the title of this post!?!?

Wait…. what’s the title of this post!?!?

I have two cats, the furry specimens you see above.  That’s Biskit in the ebony coat, and Ody dressed in the tuxedo.  There are many benefits to pet ownership, especially for us single people.  Note that I didn’t try to cleverly reverse the ownership like some strange people like to do.  Cat people like to say they are “owned” by their cats.  My cats do not own me, or boss me around, or run my life, or anything of the kind.  If they did, they would instead be owning the back alleys and garbage cans and other stray cats my fine hometown has to offer…

And sleeping with the possums.

And sleeping with the possums.

My cats are good for companionship.  Sometimes they even get a little too aggressive with their need to be loved and bother me while I’m doing something very important, like trying to write a blog post… but that’s OK.  I let them interrupt me for a few minutes and rub all over me before flinging them off the desk.  They are kinda cute, so they have that going for them.  They also like to sit in my windows, which is good for scaring off burglars while I’m away at work during the night.  I am happy with them, and considering what the alternative would be for them, I can only assume they are happy with me.

I couldn't possibly be happier.  Don't expect to see any new blog posts here for a few days...

I couldn’t possibly be happier. Don’t expect to see any new blog posts here for a few days…

However, there is one practice that pet people like to partake in with their animals that is absolutely off limits in my nest.  It is a prohibition so galling and reprehensible, that every pet lover who reads this post will likely faint at the very admission I am about to make…

When it’s time to turn in for the day, I evict the cats from the bedroom and shut the door.

I do not let my cats sleep with me.

Ever.

squirrel shocked

OMG!!!! Someone call the Humane Society!!!

Of all the strange things I occasionally tell people about myself, none seems to draw more aghast looks and wrinkled brows the fact that I don’t like being surrounded by animals while I sleep.  From the reactions I get, you’d think I was the Hitler of pet ownership or something.  How could I possibly not want to experience one of the greatest JOYS of having pets around the house!?!?

cat sex

Is this the kind of joy they’re talking about?

Of course, these JOYS I’m missing out on consist of…overrated

  • Being woken up by the cats any time they feel hungry (i.e. all of the time)
  • Having to endure the cats change the spot they are sleeping in whenever they feel like it (i.e. all of the time)
  • Having to endure the most annoying places the cats decide they want to sleep… like on top of your face, or on your stomach within stretching claws distance of your precious and sensitive parts.

What makes this even crazier to me is that oftentimes the sleeping buddy is a dog… and a LARGE dog at that.  I love dogs even more than I do cats, but I would never want a beast that big having free reign of my bed while I was deep in REM sleep…

This would not be this cute at 2:30 in the morning (or afternoon for me)

This would not be this cute at 2:30 in the morning (or afternoon for me)

I can forgive these people somewhat for being completely desensitized to extremely annoying interruptions of important bodily functions like sleep, because a lot of them also have kids and like to rave about how cute it is when little Suzie wakes them up at 3:30 in the morning for a drink of water.  Then I get growled at when I brag about how I got a good 9 hours of sleep because I chose sanity over spawning…

Dreaming of squirrels contributes to a restful night's sleep...

Dreaming of squirrels contributes to a restful night’s sleep…

It’s not that I didn’t try it out when I first got the Ody and Biskit’s predecessor Spilly four years ago, and let them hop up and nap with me.  I actually gave it a full week before I had enough of the disruptions and closed the door for good.  I toss and turn enough while trying to sleep as it is, and don’t need two tiny tossers and turners helping to create a major seismic event on my bed.  And since I’ve been sleeping alone all of my life, I’m just too used to being completely undisturbed in my bed.  And since me and sleep deprivation do not get along very well, there’s no time for a learning curve.  Sorry kitties…

You big meanie!  Look how CUTE we are when we're laying here in bed!

You big meanie! Look how CUTE we are when we’re laying here in bed!

So my cats are more than welcome to all of the amenities of my home, just as long as they aren’t pawing at my face while I’m trying to get some shuteye.  Beddy-bye time is my version of ME time, and that means the pusses can go find their own place to sleep.  And they needn’t worry, because I will never seek out their makeshift beds and plop myself on their belly and expect them to get their catnap.  What’s good for the goose is also good for the gander…

Activating death ray....

Activating death ray….

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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24 Responses to No Pets Allowed

  1. I AGREE. I have cats, and I shut the door every night otherwise sleep would not be an option. I let them in first thing in the morning, and they’re always fine.

    • Yes, they manage somehow! I think the key is the plural… the reason why I have two cats instead of one was to keep from having a lonely cat not only while I was away at work, but also asleep. Each of my cats had one short period where they were the lone cat, and only then did I temporarily lift the bedroom ban…

  2. goldfish says:

    How smart of you. I kind of wish I had kicked my dog and cat out of the bedroom when I got them, but that ship has sailed.

  3. I totally agree with you. My hubby once had a cat that would wake him by sticking his nose in hubby’s nose. Ew!

  4. C.K. Hope says:

    Why would pet owners look at you oddly for shutting the kitties out of the bedroom so you can sleep? I mean no, I don’t do that, the cats can sleep in bed with me. They keep evil demons away and warn you if vampires are coming … The dog however can not. Ever. She likes to roll in other creatures poop, that’s just not hygienic and is not coming into my bed. I actually know a lot of cat owners who don’t let them in the bedroom at bedtime, though I don’t know how you all have lived through the nights without a demon/vampire early warning/protection system. 😉

    • Ahhh, well see, that’s the advantage to sleeping mostly during the day! I outwit the demons and vampires… 😉

      I apparently know a lot of obsessive pet people… you know the kind, who see the hot dog costume in the store this time of year and think how cute that would look on their poor doggie. I’d never do that to a poor creature, not even a squirrel!

  5. No judgment here…I don’t even sleep with Hubby. Our sleep divorce has led to a better marriage! 🙂

  6. ksbeth says:

    it certainly looks like they are happy enough with each other to not miss sleeping with you )

  7. draliman says:

    I’m with you. I used to have cats and loved them, but not in the bedroom while I’m sleeping!

    • Cats are creatures that will only have anything to do with us when it suits them, so why not humans play that same game with them! I’m glad the comments were all positive to this post… that means the crazy cat lady doesn’t read my blog! 🙂

  8. I get (secretly) annoyed when pet owners complain bitterly about how Fluffy or Fido wakes them up all night long. Life has so many problems that aren’t easy to deal with but this problem could be solved by shutting the door. It seems silly to be literally and metaphorically walked over by one’s pets. Gotta run now, my critters will be furious if their tea is late. 🙂 Your cats are very handsome and charming BTW!

  9. So you are the Evil one, is it? Is that why you don’t like pets? Just asking 🙂

    Shakti

  10. reocochran says:

    I am not sure, since I have never slept with our dogs in the past, now am in a one bedroom apt. and no pets. The deposit and monthly fees just don’t motivate me to have an animal. Plus, it is sad that I work long hours… I digress! If I could I would have a cute cat and enjoy it on my lap and beside me in bed! Hope I meet a man who has one…Smile! yours are cute and special, too!

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