Don’t use drugs!

If you grew up anytime in the last five decades, you undoubtedly heard this message screamed at you from all those unfun authority figures in your life…. from your parents, teachers, Officer Friendly, and a talking crime dog.  Of course, with all the peer pressures thrust upon us in our teen years, those adults may as well have been trying to speak in a Charlie Brown cartoon for all kids paid attention to them.  After all, if your best friend (let’s call her Merby) were to offer you a hit off of her bong and says it’s totally cool and you won’t get in trouble for it, are you going to listen to someone who’s your age, or your prick of an algebra teacher who caught you reading comic books in class and made you stay after school?

For detention, I want you to copy the entire contents of this blog in triplicate.

The anti-drug organizations wanted to stop the cycle of drug addiction by discouraging children from ever even trying drugs.  But they knew that kids weren’t going to pay much attention to the people they were actively rebelling against.  So they decided to attack at the youth of America’s weak points, like in the arcades…

The only reason anybody ever remembers William S. Sessions.

The Partnership for a Drug Free America bombarded kids’ programming with seemingly countless Public Service Announcements, each trying to scare kids about what bad things will happen to them if they use drugs, and parents about how they need to clean up their act and be role models for their children rather than recklessly dance on police cars.

So we were told our brains would end up sunny side up if we snorted some blow behind the bleachers…

This propaganda didn’t work on kids who really liked eggs.

Fathers were warned what might happen if little Tommy caught them shooting horse in the bedroom with some lady who wasn’t Mommy…

I also learned how to use anal beads by watching YOU!

And we were generally shown just how much of a douchebag smoking dope can turn you into…

Get out of here, loser! It’s almost time for us to go to the New Kids on the Block concert!

So many memorable ad campaigns, so may dollars down the drain trying to proactively keep kids from growing up and making their own meth lab.  But there was one that always stuck with me… a great PSA that seemed lost to the dustbin of Just Say No history until I finally managed to dredge it up on YouTube this morning!

This ad has everything you need in a classic anti drug PSA!

Concerned parents… check!

You can trust us, son. We collect ponehs too!

Looks like it’s time for that uncomfortable family talk.  You can tell they’re really parents because they look fucking old.  Chances are, you never questioned how much older parents always looked compared to their children on TV if your folks had 30 or 40 years on you… but my Mom & Dad were both 20 when I was born, so I can’t relate to this wide generational chasm.  They could just as easily both be sporting “World’s Greatest Grandparents” T-shirts from Mecca, though…

Oh, yeah, the potentially troubled kid…. check!

I hope this isn’t another talk about how possums fuck each other, Dad….

And you can tell he’s just one bad blunt away from turning into a rabblerousing crackhead.  Note the backwards baseball cap and the flannel shirt… two sure signs you were dealing with a badass from the 90’s.  If he got up from the couch, I’ll bet his Spiderman boxers would be showing above his saggy pants.

Parents about to do something supposedly hip to try to communicate with their spawn on his own level…. check!

That’s a lame ass boombox, but we’ll give Granny credit for not hoisting up a tricked out Victrola.

Shit going to hell like a bad LSD trip?  Check!!!

Grandmaster Grandpa in da house!!!

The dad’s tribute to Old School is almost as absurdly classic as the Crazy Calls rap.  No really, this is great!

The wacky weed
It is bad
This I know
Believe your dad

Remember this
It’s your decision
But marijuana
Can lead to prison

Parents totally failing at being hip because they’re stuck in the wrong decade…. check!

Way to relate to your 90’s kid there, DJ Support Hoes.

We have to assume that after getting assaulted by this little family talk gone horribly wrong, that our troubled hero of this story packed up his Soundgarden albums and Kathy Ireland posters and ran the hell away from home.  Together with his pot smoking buddy, he moved into a run down apartment in some back alley until he had finally done enough drugs to erase the memories of that horrendous bonding moment.  The irony behind this ad is that it actually worked to keep kids away from drugs only because it was obvious the people who created it were under the influence of heavy hallucinogens and nobody wanted to be like those losers.

Douchers are losers, and losers are douchers, so don’t use drugs!

Knowledge is the anti-drug, and nostalgia is what we have to get our high from thanks to the killjoys who wanted to put Colombia out of business.  So for the awesomest worst rap in television history, we at The Nest would like to salute the Partnership for a Drug Free America.  You may not have cleaned up the mean streets of our country of every last bong and dirty needle, but you certainly gave us a lot of egg frying, empty swimming pool jumping laughs to distract us from the school dope dealer.  Thanks to completely fucked up messages like these, we took steps in the 80’s to ensure a better future for America in the 21st Century….

Now Georgie, put down “My Pet Goat”… I want you to listen to Daddy’s little rap about Mary Jane now.