Just Dew It

I meant to do that.

I meant to do that.

You only live once.tuesday tv

It’s become a much repeated mantra among the brain damaged youth and wannabe youth these days.  Apparently, you aren’t living unless you are doing some kind of stupid shit that could either get you arrested, killed, or possibly both.  Heaven forbid you might die before you’ve experienced the thrill of bungee jumping off of a high cliff, streaking through the local bingo hall, or playing beer pong all night long until your liver melts into a puddle of malty goo.  Yes, young people are essentially stupid, and YOLO is the lame ass self-esteem boosting excuse we allow them to use to justify being a menace to society and themselves.

Hey, that’s alright… to thine own self be true.  Darwinism will ensure there is not a future iteration of Generation Douche.

No procreating for you, Sk8er Boi!

No procreating for you, Sk8er Boi!

Back in the 90’s before we were overrun by stupid texting acronyms, the youth were just as wild and crazy.  Like today’s hooligans, they needed their supercharged caffeine buzz to make sure they wouldn’t sleep a wink of their completely fulfilling lives away until they turned 35.  While the teen of the 21st Century can gulp down a Red Bull or a Monster energy drink to kill off what’s left of their kidneys, those types of concoctions weren’t as readily available two decades ago.  No, back then, the trendy, hip, totally tubular drink that all the cool kids used to get amped up for stupidity was good old Mountain Dew… and PepsiCo targeted this demographic with deadly accuracy…

That ad was from 1998, and it never fails to crack me up.

Nor fails to crack up many of its co-stars.

Nor fails to crack up many of its co-stars.

What’s not to like about this commercial?  The jazzy version of the kiddie standard “Dem Bones” is great ear candy.  The montage of extreme sports fails tickles the funny bone… as does the horrified reactions of the four demographically pleasing Dew fans who are dressed in their finest scrubs.

Ummm, I don't think that's your funny bone there, boys.

Ummm, I don’t think that’s your funny bone there, boys.

What hospital doesn’t have malfunctioning vending machines that’ll eat all of your snack money while you visit Aunt Bertha on her deathbed?  But how about a Mountain Dew machine that randomly discharges full 12 ounce cans at approximately 100 miles per hour down crowded hallways?  I think there may be a health violation here somewhere.

Try explaining this incident to your health insurance company.

Try explaining this incident to your health insurance company.

The makers of Mountain Dew would like to remind you that there is only one proper way to enjoy their carbonated beverage…

Given how dirty some of the tops are on soda cans, this may not be a bad idea after all.

Given how dirty some of the tops are on soda cans, this may not be a bad idea after all.

Uh oh… I think shit’s about to get totally cray cray!

My totally 90's facial hair has just come up with an awesome idea to wreak even more mayhem to disturb all of the sick and dying patients in this building!

Hmmmm… my totally 90’s facial hair has just come up with an awesome idea to wreak even more mayhem and disturb all of the sick and dying patients in this building!

Whaddaya say, partner?

Oh yes!  Let's do it!  You only live once!

Oh yes! I’m totally buzzed! Let’s do it! You only live once!

What do you get when you mix four chronically unemployed kids with four energy packed cans of Mountain Dew?

This makes Weird Al's video for "Like A Surgeon" look dignified by comparison.

This makes Weird Al’s video for “Like A Surgeon” look dignified by comparison.

Uh oh, children!  Watch out for that cart full of stool samples!

Now the shit's really hit the can.

Now the shit’s really hit the can.

As much as troublemakers like these four need to be punched very hard in the junk, the fact is that I really enjoyed most of the ads Mountain Dew released in this late 90’s campaign aimed at the generation that made the X Games relevant and turned snowboarding into an Olympic sport.  The ancient Greeks who used to compete in the Olympic Games in the nude would have really hit the hemlock had they known that abomination was coming…

OK, they almost have the naked thing down.  The Greeks would be proud.

OK, they almost have the naked thing down. The Greeks would be proud.

Mountain Dew also gets ESN credit for not being afraid to parody itself.  Those of you who love real retro ads will get a kick out of this commercial for Dew from the year Y2K…

Classic!?!?  Why, I remember when we'd chug Dew at the Alamo and then kick some Mexican ass!

Classic!?!? Why, I remember when we’d chug Dew at the Alamo and then kick some Mexican ass!

So here’s to the one and only hillbilly concoction turned YOLO fuel Mountain Dew.  Your power packed hyperstimulant took the youth of America, who threatened to tear apart the very fabric of our wholesome society with their outrageous stunts and shenanigans they’d do simply because they could, and turned them into post-grunge clowns whose caffeine high induced crotch snapping fails made us laugh until we burned a hole in our underwear from the liquid fire we were inspired to drink along with them.  While we are impressed with the powerful effects of your product, we’ll certainly be keeping it far away from our furry denizens here at The Nest, for the safety of everyone…

Well, on the bright side, I'll bet he'd provide me with a whole year's worth of Saturday Squirrel pics!

Well, on the bright side, I’ll bet he’d soon provide me with a whole year’s worth of Saturday Squirrel pics!

Advertisements

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in TV Commercials and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Just Dew It

  1. I think the only lesson I really learnt was not to drink from cans. I think the only explanation for the health insurance would be: I have no clue what happened :O)

  2. merbear74 says:

    I drank MD like water back in the 90’s…and it did make me a bit cray cray.
    Had a smile the entire time reading this, thank you so much…one of your finest!

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Mountain Dew is how I motivate my child to get anything done*. Especially now that Baja Blast is available for the first time in stores and not just Taco Hell.

    *Not all the time…just often…

  4. Don’t hold back 🙂 Tell us what you REALLY think!

  5. crimsonowl63 says:

    I laughed out loud several times while reading this post. I really needed that today. Loved the Weird Al reference, too. My kids were MD drinkers and thankfully did not end up in the hospital (especially not the one in the commercial) from the rush of said MD. lol

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    Have you thought about going into comedy? You are hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing…I still can’t stop laughing. Hahahahahaha. Apologies, I really needed this. You have no idea. Thank you, so much.

    • I absolutely adore comments like this… it makes me feel like this blog actually serves a purpose in the world! I certainly couldn’t do live comedy, but I can obviously write some funny stuff if given the chance to edit and edit. I’m glad you enjoyed it, and I hope I can continue to be this funny in everything I post….

  7. I’ve never seen such a hilly billy squirrel. Cute and scary at the same time.

    Yes, they’ll (kids) will do almost anything for Dew. Sigh. I have to share this one.

  8. Pingback: Just Dew It | West Coast Review

  9. draliman says:

    I’ve never heard of Mountain Dew but it seems to turn people into psychos. Is it packed full of nutritious mind-altering substances?

  10. All I can say is “OUCH”! I don’t like Dew…never have. I have seen it mess people up! And don’t get me started on Diet Dew?? WTH is THAT? Yuck! Have a good ‘un! 🙂

Jabber Away...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s