Read my post, and I’ll send you $200 straight from my Nigerian bank account!

In a civilized society, we have expectations that all advertising directed at us is going to be honest and straightforward.  These expectations are about as realistic as every world peace aspiration ever voiced by a naive Miss America contestant.  What we generally get are advertisements that mask any concrete details with a lot of hype and style and volume, contain descriptions that overuse the word “virtually”… which is virtually meaningless, and try to make us hungry by showing us pictures of food that looks extremely appetizing… if we are up for a little makeup and acrylic paint on our burgers.

Hamburger supermodels are evil.

In the late 80’s, a car company came up with a brilliant advertising campaign that played off the Pinocchioism of the ad industry by coming right out and lying to us on national television.  That automaker was General Motors’ Japanese puppet brand Isuzu, and in 1986, they brought in the biggest liar of all to pitch cars for them… the legendary Joe Isuzu.  Here’s a sample of his dishonest work:

While the exact formula behind the Joe Isuzu commercials changed during its five year run, the basic premise was always there… you can’t trust ol’; honest Joe.

Who, me?

Joe Isuzu was masterfully played by actor David Leisure.  He was a slick, smooth talking snake who would say anything under the sun to make you buy a car from Isuzu.  Of course, Isuzu had to add the clarifying subtitles on the screen each time Joe said something so outrageously ridiculous that his pants were likely to spontaneously combust at any time.  The reason for this is the fact that…. well, let’s face it, there are a lot of fucking stupid people in this country who can’t figure out obvious things on their own.

There was nothing on the book of matches that said not to do this!

This is why we have so many forehead slapping warning labels on basic, ordinary consumer products that most people would never consider to use as implements of death.  Do not use this barbecue grill indoors.  Do not stick hand into lawnmower blade.  Do not use curling iron as a pleasuring device… at least until it is cool to the touch.

Now you tell me! I’m cum… er, suing!!!

So Isuzu made sure to cover its ass just in case somebody took Joe’s liar schtik seriously.  In the commercial above, the first thing Isuzu has to “correct” is Joe’s claim that this ad is being presided over by a Supreme Court Justice….

I’ll bet he also never sang with Diana Ross.

Come on, seriously?  One of the first things we learn in American government class is that Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life with good behavior… a proviso which, by government standards, is as virtually meaningless as the word virtually.  If you had a set job for life, would you waste your time appearing in a car ad for chump change?  Of course not!  Not with all the partying going on in those chambers…

Justice Thomas is bringing the Coke.

Next, Joe tells us that you can drive your Isuzu forever.  This is impossible on many fronts unless there is an afterlife and you really can take your beloved Isuzu with you… but just in case, Isuzu is there to disclaim Joe’s dishonest statement…

Some of you may crash it into the giant gorilla holding our balloons while driving it off the lot.

Joe finally stretches the truth until it looks like a sumo wrestler’s inner thighs when he mentions that this brand new Isuzu is so inexpensive, that you can buy one with your spare change!

Now there’s some sticker shock for those of us in 2014…

And this is where even Isuzu has to break out the ultimate invention of advertising hell… the fine print.  At least this fine print is slightly larger than a quark and isn’t scrolling past your eyes at ludicrous speed.  So in this part, they have to back off not only from Joe Isuzu’s exaggerated statement, but the fact that their price is misleading and subject to change at their whim…

Kinda makes you wanna bring 618,900 pennies into your local Isuzu dealer to buy one.

Lastly, Joe throws in the total load of BS that Isuzu’s factory incentives are so generous, that you can buy one car and get one free!

This says nothing about Joe’s claim being a lie, so I expect two cars for my 618,900 pennies.

Of course, the joke’s on Isuzu here.  Their neighbors to the north at Kia have somehow managed to turn the automobile BOGO into a reality.  The boggles the mind trying to imagine all of the creative accounting and hidden trickery that goes into this scam to keep it profitable…

Come back tomorrow for Triple Coupon day!

Like all other ads in this campaign, it ends with Joe Isuzu’s ironically trademark phrase, “You have my word on it.”  This is the capper that helps brilliantly mocks all of those typical used car salesmen we see yelling on TV who seem to coincidentally all have the nickname “Honest” while having enough lemons on their lot to put Kool Aid Man out of business.  Joe is so charmingly sleazy in his delivery, that you could almost believe him… if you were also stupid enough to put your cat in a microwave.

Who doesn’t like nuked pussy?

Of course… perhaps the most unbelievable thing about Isuzu isn’t their overly untrustworthy spokesman, but the fact that they’re trying to shamelessly win over the cute demographic by naming one of their truck models the Pup…

Dogs…. love…. trucks!

Commercial breaks are the one place outside of the political arena where we can faithfully count on being lied to on a consistent basis.  So we here at The Nest would like to take this time to give a long nosed salute to Isuzu and their upstanding spokesman Joe for helping to clear through the slimy layer of pure, unadulterated male cow feces on television by being so untruthful that only a moron who’d use a tampon to clean wax out of their ears would believe them.  And you can count on us at ESN Central to keep rolling back the odometer of time to toast and roast the best retro ads of yesteryear every single Tuesday.  You have my word on it!

You could take that to the bank…. if it weren’t Wednesday… and I hadn’t missed three of the past four weeks.