Yakity Yak

I went to the taping of a game show, and a talk show broke out!

I went to the taping of a game show, and a talk show broke out!

Welcome back to another freaky Friday edition of everyone’s favorite neverending story, my Millionaire Journey!  Last week, I blew my first chance at entering the Hot Seat when a caterpillar ate a hole in my brain.  But my loss was Amy Turner’s gain, and she gets to be the first contestant from my group to get a shot at a seven figure payday.  Let’s see how the pride of Athens, Tennessee does in her moment of glory….

Dolly Parton never mentioned any of this being in the Smokey Mountains.

Dolly Parton never mentioned any of this being in the Smoky Mountains.

One of the first things Regis comments on is how Amy shot up out of her seat “like a rocket” when she found out she’d won.  Leave no doubt about it, Amy was quite excitable and had the sparkling personality to match.  She was everything the production crew for the show could have ever wanted in a contestant to make for great TV.  Those same qualities would also grind on the very last nerve of those who were patiently waiting for the next chance at one of those Fastest Finger questions…

Well, bless your little hearts!

Well, bless your little hearts!

Amy has brought her husband Paul along to watch her play for the big bucks.

Hey, there!  I've never been featured on a squirrel blog before.

Hey, there! I’ve never been featured on a squirrel blog before.

Amy is a “database application programmer,” yet another fascinating field that I don’t remember from any career day in high school.  She describes this job by saying she “writes the programs that help the data go in so people can get it out.”

Pictured above: A database applications programmer.

Pictured above: A database application programmer.

Nobody can spend their entire day on GIGO duty, and Amy has an awesome hobby to unwind in her spare time.  She races a 1959 Austin Healey Sprite… which I’d assume is not made out of a big green soda can.

And I thought my Neon looked like a happy car.

And I thought my Neon looked like a happy car.

She doesn’t just race these classic cars, she actually maintains and restores them as well!  Sorry all you car guys out there, but she’s already taken.  She even has hubby whooped into being her “pit crew”, through his own admission.  Amy’s type of racing is “autocross”, where rather than have everyone out on the track at one time, each driver races on the course by themselves with the best time winning.  If you’re aware at how “thrilled” many NASCAR drivers are at the prospect of having females on the track with them, then you can feel free to insert your own “woman driver” joke in here…

You can't have this kind of fun at an autocross event.

You can’t have this kind of fun at an autocross event.

Forgetting that he has a game show to conduct, Regis decides to dig a bit deeper into this racing fascination and asks Amy what got a woman like her interested in such a male dominated hobby anyway.  Blame it on Jill Taylor from “Home Improvement”, she says, who brought home an Austin Healey in an early episode of the show.

ABC had to be thrilled with this kind of cross-promotion of one of its sitcoms.

ABC had to be thrilled with this kind of cross-promotion of one of its sitcoms.

Oh, hurray!  We’re finally going to get the game started.  Not that any of us are in a hurry or something…

$100 – When something comes as a complete revelation, it is said to be a what?

A. Elbow-bender
B. Jaw-chewer
C. Eye-opener
D. Toe-cracker

You know you wanna pick D!

You know you wanna pick D!

It would have been a real jaw chewer had Amy missed this, but she did not.  C. Eye opener, final answer.

$200 – Most erasers on pencils are made from what material?

A. Rubber
B. Wood
C. Cotton
D. Plutonium

Imported by Doctor Emmett Brown from LIbya.

Imported by Doctor Emmett Brown from Libya.

I liked to chew on the wood of my pencils, but not on the A. Rubber erasers…

$300 – If someone’s chances of succeeding are ruined, it is said that “his” what “is cooked”?

A. Chicken
B. Hot dog
C. Goose
D. Veggie burger

How odd that both Ed and Amy got $300 questions where “goose” was one of the choices.  However, unlike the former contestant’s “gag” question, this time C. Goose is quite obviously correct.

It's always the right time for a goose.

It’s always the right time for a goose.

$500 – Which of the following letters is not normally found on a standard automatic gearshift panel?

A. R
B. D
C. P
D. X

“Right down your alley,” Regis says to Amy before he can even read off the choices… since, you know, a lot of 1959 Austin Healeys have automatic transmissions in them.  Amy confirms that her race car is a manual, but she obviously knows this… and having grown up entirely on automatic cars in my life (Flog away, old timers!), this is right up my alley as well.  There is no D. X, unless that is possibly the hidden gear that allows you to automatically parallel park…

As my Dad would say, you could park a semi truck in there...

As my Dad would say, you could park a semi truck in there…

$1,000 – Which of the following beverages is best known for being chocolate flavored?

A. Jolt
B. Yoo-hoo
C. Fanta
D. Mountain Dew

I honestly don’t believe I had even heard of Yoo-hoo until I started working at Mecca two and a half years before this taping.  I can’t even say at the time if I knew for sure whether it was a chocolate flavored drink or not… but process of elimination would have given it to me since I know the others are not.  I’m sorry, but anything chocolate flavored is just not drinkable… whether it’s hot chocolate, anything coffee related , or something called Yoo-hoo.

Stir it up all you want, Nestle Quik bunny.  It still looks like a glass full of diarrhea.

Stir it up all you want, Nestle Quik bunny. It still looks like a glass full of diarrhea.

Amy’s niece drinks B. Yoo-hoos, as I believe it is some kind of educational requirement in the South, so she knows the answer… and with that, she’s locked in the $1,000 payday!



But no, they will not be going on to the next question just yet… it’s already time for that second commercial break.  What!?!?  Already!?!?!?

Da-da-doo-doo-doo... another one bites the dust.

Da-da-doo-doo-doo… another one bites the dust.

As he does during each commercial break, the warm up comedian Q comes back out to unleash his brand of audience perkifying levity on those who merely came to watch others compete for big bucks.  Seeing how fast one taping segment got burned, I’m starting not to buy into the lighthearted atmosphere anymore.  The competitive part of me wants that next shot at redemption… this time doing it right!

But I’ll never get it if they can’t put a lid on the Mouth of the South, and coming back from commercial break was the perfect opportunity to pump their charming goldmine for more sparkly nuggets…

Oh, you love me and you know it, ES!

Oh, you love me and you know it, ES!

One of the first things Amy will buy with whatever she wins today is a dishwasher.  She has lived her entire adult life without a dishwasher, and I cried the same crocodile tears for her 13 years ago that I do now, having never lived in a house with a dishwasher myself.  I sure as hell can’t buy one with what I’m going to win stuck in Bendy Side Out® Seat 9…

Welcome to the lonesome club, squirrel.

Welcome to the lonesome club, squirrel.

Oh, but that’s not all.  She wants to get a tattoo.

tramp stamps for all!

A tramp stamp, no doubt.

This was a few years into the craze that continues to this day of tattoos for the everyman rather than just the social outsiders and tough guys.  If you want to piss off a real ink-stained rebel, bring up the fact that tats have become the trendy, hipster thing to do.  They’ll probably cuss like a sailor and then deck you with their anchor-inscribed arm.  My two youngest sisters were both coming of age around this time, and clamoring for the time they could legally hit the tattoo parlor up so they could get scarred for life with something that meant a lot to them at the time that they would soon likely regret getting indelibly etched into their skin…

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

OK, enough of the crazy ways Amy’s going to spend the money I’m not going to be winning… it’s time to continue on with this damn game!

$2,000 – On the TV series “I Love Lucy”, what is Fred and Ethel’s last name?

A. Mertz
B. McGillicuddy
C. Vance
D. Frawley

You dingbat!  Oh wait, wrong show...

You dingbat! Oh wait, wrong show…

It is well known by both me and Amy that Fred and Ethel’s last name was A. Mertz.  It is not as well known that William Frawley and Vivian Vance hated each other’s guts during the entire run of “I Love Lucy.”  If only they could have drawn the same wisdom that caused the producers of “My Three Sons” to replace old gin and tonic Frawley with the more likeable Uncle Charley…

$4,000 – What were the radio speeches made by FDR during The Great Depression called?

A. Sunday conversations
B. Living room visits
C. Coffee talks
D. Fireside chats

Everyone gather 'round the fireplace!  I wanna talk to you all about the gold standard...

Everyone gather ’round the fireplace! I wanna talk to you all about the gold standard…

I don’t even think any of these other three choices even sounds plausible.  Of course it’s the D. Fireside chats.  And Amy keeps moving along…

$8,000 – Which of these branches of the U.S. military has a rank of petty officer?

A. Navy
B. Air Force
C. Marines
D. Army

And finally, the great Amy Turner has been stumped….

Must sit and stare.... be the question.  Be the question.  Be the question...

Must sit and stare…. be the question. Be the question. Be the question…

I know the answer, but despite having some experience around military installations, Amy can’t recall which branch has the petty officer.  This was the first question where Amy took a rather inordinate amount of time hemming and hawing, trying to figure out what to do.  She spent nearly as much time in debate over how to proceed on the petty officer question than Ed had taken trying to make sense of his glowing potato query…


I'll answer when I'm darn good and ready, y'all!

I’ll answer when I’m darn good and ready, y’all!

Finally, with nine pairs of eyes glaring a hole in her back, she throws out a few complimentary bouquets to the audience before letting them have at this question.  Keep in mind, Amy, that this “good looking audience” was the same one who ran our friend Ed out of the Hot Seat just a few minutes ago.  Let’s see if they can redeem themselves…

Things that make you go, duh!

Things that make you go, duh!

Dear old Dad, who helped lead to Ed’s demise earlier, managed to vote correctly for this one rather than help his poor, unfortunate, stuck-in-Seat-9 son out.  The 80% vote for Navy is off the charts, and much more convincing than the first audience vote for “tomato”.  Amy doesn’t even hesitate… she’s going with these guys!

In the Navy, final answer!

In the Navy, final answer!

$16,000 – A famous 1951 UPI photograph shows what scientist sticking out his tongue?

A. Louis Leakey
B. Robert Oppenheimer
C. Albert Einstein
D. Jacques Cousteau

OK, Amy’s once again evened the score with me.  I’ve never heard of this photo before, though the correct answer did pop into my mind before the choices were revealed.  Amy, on the other hand, has a magnet of this picture on her icebox:

No wonder he dropped out of school, the little imp!

No wonder he dropped out of school, the little imp!

So she knows this one cold…. it’s C. Albert Einstein!

And now Amy has made it to the all important $32,000 question!  If she can get this one right, she’ll be guaranteed to leave with enough money to buy that dishwasher, get a whole sleeve full of ink, and even give her pit crew a raise.

Now I can afford to actually put some air in those tires.

Now I can afford to actually put some air in those tires.

But Amy’s run in the Hot Seat is about to turn into one huge, discombobulated mess.  And I’m gonna need some time to catch my breath before I rant and rave go on about that, so we’ll revisit our good friend Amy Turner next time!  Remember, we have a date next Friday!

Don't worry, I'll pick you up!

Don’t worry, I’ll pick you up!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Millionaire Journey and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

45 Responses to Yakity Yak

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I used my then 4-year-old son to get a picture of us (then him) in an Austin Healey that exact same color (first car, not the Neon). It was on display at the fair, and nobody was allowed to get in, but M charmed the owner with cuteness and we got pictures 🙂 I wish I could find those pictures now, such a nice car *sigh*

    • It is a nice car for sure. I’d still take my Neon though since we’ve been best buds now for 14 years…

      And if only we had places to keep all those pictures online back in the day…. actually, in some cases, I’m glad that some old photos can no longer be found! 😀

  2. I had the same thought as I saw the car… but sprite cans were always green right? Imagine the erasers on pencils were made from plutonium… think Alice Cooper would pick answer D… school’s out for ever :o)

    • As far as I know Sprite cans have always been green, but I don’t know firsthand about what they’d have looked like in 1959. I do think plutonium would have helped erase a lot of things from existence… or maybe sent someone back to the future as well.

  3. PigLove says:

    Eating popcorn and reading this weekly edition. OMP – you can’t leave me hanging like this again! Oh dear sweet heavens. What will I do for another seven days of waiting? NNNOOOO – XOXO – Bacon

  4. Twindaddy says:

    I’m somewhat jealous of the Kool-Aid man tat. That’s bad ass right there.

  5. I think you should be nice to data-basers because we are weird and unpredictable. Who knows what strange revenge we might take on someone who disses us! I myself spent many happy hours linking objects and/or building tables. The excitement never ends in the outer reaches of my nerdy world 🙂

    • Awwww, just because I was comparing databasers to the large intestine doesn’t mean I was being cruel! It’s more of a lack of computer knowledge past what I need to know to traverse the internet… and never being able to pass up an opportunity to make a twisted observation!

      Now I will have to always watch out behind me for a surprise ambush by a driver in an Austin Healey! I kid, of course… though I raked her over the coals a bit, and will almost certainly do so even more next week, Amy was an absolutely wonderful person. And she made for tremendous TV viewing… at least for anyone who didn’t have to watch her from the finalists row that afternoon!

  6. My dad had an Austin Healey Sprite! It was red and cute as can be. Anyway… I used to get antsy about these posts wanting you to JUST FINISH but today I realize that I’ll miss them when you FINALLY get done. Thanks for the Friday Fun. Looking forward to a big dose of squirrel cuteness on Saturday.

    • Today was Part 24…. in a couple weeks I’ll have been updating this story for an entire half a year! It feels like this has always been a part of my Friday routine now! I already know what I want to follow it up with as my Friday feature, but it’s still going to be a bittersweet (November) day for me when I type up the final segment…

      I wonder if I have a photo of a squirrel in an Austin Healey Sprite in my archive….?

  7. merbear74 says:

    Yoohoo is disgusting…do they still make that shit?

  8. gentlestitches says:

    Is that a joke way of spelling appendicits or is my inner pedant showing? 😀

    • I’m thinking that must be Latin for appendix, or something. I thought it said “appendicitis” at first glance too…

      • gentlestitches says:

        I fear it is a typo. My limited Latin has appendix as an appendage and itis for inflammation. So appendicitis
        is inflammation of appendix. This mob seem to have two bob each way. 😀

  9. draliman says:

    Wow, I got them all right despite going 50/50 on the drink question, never having seen an automatic gear shift and never having watched “I Love Lucy” 🙂 I’m on fire!

    I was actually quite desperate to answer “Plutonium” for the eraser question though, just for laughs.

  10. Ally Bean says:

    I’m not rooting for Amy to win, so please adapt your story accordingly. That won’t be a problem, will it?

  11. markbialczak says:

    Did her pit crew rush out and dab at the sweat under those arms on the petty officer dilemma, ESN? Now that would be a pit crew! Looking forward to the $32,000 question next week. Month. Year.

  12. The Cutter says:

    I’m just now catching up with this saga. I feel like I know most of these answers, but I’m not sure if I’d be able to come up with them in a pressure situation.

    • The fact that you have millions of eyes watching you, and one mistake is all it takes to end your day, do have a way of making you unsure of even the easiest of questions. The running joke was that most people, with 500K already in the bank, would probably walk away from a million dollar question asking what their name was…

  13. T_Bone says:

    You’d have to be of a “certain age” to remember Yogi hawking the Yoo-Hoo in ads..he actually liked the stuff, so much so that he bought into it as I recall..hence his enthusiastic endorsements..

  14. T_Bone says:

    Good little Yankee fans that we were, Yogi’s sales pitch resulted in a whining campaign until our mom bought us the stuff. My brother loved it. Me? Well, let’s just say that I formed the opinion that drinking that radioactive swill was probably what turned the Joker’s hair green…

  15. I knew there was a reason I’d let myself get behind on posts. It was so I could catch up on all your Millionaire installments in one sitting!

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