Like everyone else, I get a lot of spam sent to my email address.  It doesn’t mater how well you try to keep your email off the internets for evil bots and nasty creepy crawlers to find, they’ll eventually find you.  Luckily, most email sites have a built in spam filter that siphons these scams off into a separate folder.  It amuses me that Yahoo Mail asks for confirmation anytime I try to delete something in my Spam folder, but won’t when I delete something from my main folder.  God forbid someone accidentally delete that offer for cheap ¢iali$…

Don’t throw that away!!!

You can usually view a spam message without picking up anything malicious, and many people on my forum like to share those phony, grammatically hilarious spam emails they get from time to time.  But that’s not a risk I like to take, so I delete my spam folder completely unread.  Though some of the senders and subject lines are quite interesting.  It’s been a few days since I last purged my Spam, and I currently have 25 cans of Treet just begging to be opened.  I’m not about to do that, but I do like providing my, (ahem) funny commentary on just about anything.  So let’s use our imaginations and pretend what’s in Evil Squirrel’s Spam folder….

Sender: Asian Dating

Subject: Browse 1000’s of Asian Singles

Who needs 1000’s of Asian singles when you have Hottie?

Sender: Mesothelioma Info

Subject: Treatment and Diagnosis.  Find Legal Options for Those with Mesothelioma.

Mesothelioma is a lung disease caused by  prolonged exposure to asbestos.  I live in Southwestern Illinois, the mesothelioma lawsuit capital of the world.  When I was called for jury duty in 2003, the case I would have been in the pool for (had it not been settled pre-trial, and most are) was a mesothelioma lawsuit.  Mesothelioma has killed thousands of workers over the years, and made billions of dollars for plaintiffs lawyers.  What a great country this is!

Sender: Franchise Business

Subject: Own a Franchise – Become Your Own Boss!

YAY! Now I can get stressed out by my ownself!

I have enough people tell me what to do, let alone have to listen to myself.  I’ll pass, thank you.

Sender: Christian Mingle

Subject: Browse Christian Singles Photos for Free

Dear God,

Please tell Your followers that You are perfectly capable of using Your divine powers to help them find their own soulmates, and that they don’t need help from some sleazy dating service.  If I don’t have to see that creepy eHarmony guy again, I may even smack my atheist sister just for You.

Sincerely,

Your Keeper of the Squirrels.

Sender: VA Loans

Subject: Are You Eligible?  Find out now.

They’re eligible. I’m not.

Sender: Big Beautiful Women

Subject: Browse Thousands of Big, Beautiful Singles Online Now!

According to the medieval charts used by doctors to determine a person’s ideal weight, I am 25 pounds too heavy for my 6 foot frame.  Therefore, I am obese, and that gives me the legal right to make fun of other fat people.  Still, I think it would be best if I just left this one alone, as I shudder to think of some of the profiles in that database…

Sender: Nevada Corporate HQ

Subject: Find out how to get $50,000 for your Business.

Take me to your CEO!

I hear the business opportunities in Nevada are booming, not to mention all the prime real estate.  Area 51 is just begging to be bought by a theme park tycoon….

Sender: Skinny Fiber

Subject: Finally! Diet without hungry!

Finally!  A spam email that actually looks like it was sent by someone from a foreign country!  Jenny Craig should steal “Diet without hungry!” as her new slogan…

Sender: Bed Bug Warning:

Subject: Warning!  The American Bed Bug infestation is spreading!

WARNING! This advice is no longer safe! If the storm doesn’t get you, the bedbugs will!

Sender: Cougar Dating

Subject: View 1000s of Local Cougar Profiles and Pictures

Where can I find a woman like that?

What is it with all of these dating sites trying to get me to look at singles?  Oh well, this one at least gives me a chance to introduce one of the lost characters of the ES universe, Jessie the Cougar.  Rowl…

Sender: Erase My Mortgage

Subject: New Government program saves homeowners 50 percent on their mortgage bill!

Yeah, I keep seeing how this one ridiculously easy trick will save me money on my mortgage, get me free auto insurance, help me sport ridiculously ripped abs in just 6 hours, and allow me to cure cancer.  Somehow, though, I think it just may be scam…

Sender: Health Alert

Subject: Coffee Bean That Melts Fat?… Dr. Oz thinks so

Dear Satan,

There is going to be a special, particularly nasty level of hell for Oprah Winfrey, is there not?  If I don’t have to see this nitwit Dr. Oz or that hokey Phil McGraw guy again, I may even pat my atheist sister on the back for you.

Sincerely,

That guy who tortures everyone with squirrels.

Sender: Dermatend All Natural

Subject: Don’t Suffer Through Life With UNWANTED Moles & Skin Tags!

This one really cracks me up because of the all-caps treatment for UNWANTED.  I don’t know if there’s anyone out there who is really suffering due to a mole or a skin tag, but I do have a WANTED tag myself.  It’s a little skin protrusion from the base of my right wrist that I used to always call my “claw” because it actually once came to a sharp point.  It’s rounded off now, so it isn’t quite as cool as….. hey!  I wonder if Dermatend All Natural can make my claw sharp again!?!?!?  Maybe I should open this one…

Sender: Exclusive Travel Discounts

Subject: No washed up actors, no gnomes, just great travel deals

Beautiful downtown Bolivia!

Somewhere out….. there.  William Shatner is….. at a loss….. for.  Words!

Sender: Match

Subject: Chat with singles near you

Hey Baby!!!

If all the singles were like me and just got their own blog, I wouldn’t have to empty my spam folder so damn often….

Sender: Instagram Survey

Subject: What do you think of Instagram?  Tell us and get a $25 iTunes gift card!

Dear Instagram,

I have no idea what in the hell an Instagram is, but if it’s a way to communicate with deperate singles like I think it is, you can take your iTunes gift card and shove it up your Insta-ass.  Thank you for asking for my candid feedback.

Sender: Belly Fat Blast

Subject: A SURPRISING Fruit that BURNS BellyFlab (Quick Tip Today)

Look for this SURPRISING fruit in your grocer’s freezer.

I don’t know about you, but personally, I’d be awfully damn SURPRISED if any fruit out there BURNED BellyFlab.  Of course, I’m not a fruit expert… everything I eat is fried.  I’m guessing their Quick Tip involves an AMAZING salad that DEVOURS ToeJam….

Sender: SeniorPeopleMeet Dating

Subject:  Meet Senior Singles Online Today

Get off of my domain!

Oh damn, I accidentally hit the delete button!  Oh well, I guess I’ll never find my perfect single match out there, but at least I know there are plenty of big, beautiful senior Asian Christian cougars out there should I ever become bored with my critters.  I just hope my Dermatend arrives soon so I can get my claw fixed before I finally meet one of them….