Phonic Boom

I'll bet there wasn't a space for this career choice in The Game of Life.

I’ll bet there wasn’t a space for this career choice in The Game of Life.

tuesday tvIf you are following my blog, congratulations!  At some point in your life, you learned how to read!  Well, I guess you could only be here because you like looking at childishly cute artwork and internet memes I steal off of Google, but chances are if you made it this far in today’s post, you are indeed literate.

Have you ever gone back and wondered how you came to learn how to read?  It’s not really all that intuitive an exercise… going from sounds, to letters, to remembering all of the fucked up spellings of many of our English words.  How did we learn to speak English in the first place?  Fortunately, our brains are much more receptive to picking up language at an early age, and so we learn how to speak by listening to how our parents speak…

Mommy!  The fucking bill collector wants to talk to you again!

Mommy! The fucking bill collector wants to talk to you again!

And we learn to read by…. well, most of us were taught in school by something called “phonics”.  Phonics uses the sounds each letter or letter combination makes to help us understand and pronounce words, and back in the day, we were all hooked on it…

Yes, in an era when everyone from Nancy Reagan to Officer Friendly was telling us of the dangers of getting hooked on drugs, teachers everywhere were trying to get us kids hooked on phonics.  Yeah, it’s hard to resist the first time someone offers you a hit off of their digraphs, but we all know the rush we get from those consonants just leads to vowel abuse, shooting up schwas in dirty diphthongs that will make you completely incomprehensible to those hoping to make an intervention in your phonics addict life…

Hooked on Phonics worked for Ozzy.

Hooked on Phonics worked for Ozzy.

Let’s take a look at the Hooked on Phonics ad I chose for today’s Retro Ad Tuesday, and look at the shady tactics that were used by the pushers of this literary crack…

She grew up to found a major automotive company... not bad for a phonics user...

She grew up to found a major automotive company… not bad for a phonics abuser…

The ad starts off with nine year old Kia, whose parents were obviously inspired by this commercial, displaying her awesome reading skillz that she picked up during her days of selling her body for phonics hits.  The first thing she tells us is that “there is no excuse for literacy….” wait, what!!?  Why would people need an excuse for being literate?  Are you still on a long vowel high there, Kia?  I think you meant to say “illiteracy”, but you are either a phonics failure, or your speechwriter is your evil little brother.

Brothers can be like that...

Brothers can be like that…

After Kia is done verbally ejaculating about the joys of huffing phonics, we get to see all of the hardware behind this wonder drug.  You get books, and cassettes, and flash cards, and probably even your own crack pipe!  And it’s accessible to three kinds of people!

Will it work on douchebags as well?

Will it work on douchebags as well?

No child or adult should ever be without the joys of overdosing on phonics, but what about all of those remedial people out there?  The burnouts who sit in the back of the class and smoke more than just flash cards while they repeat the same grade over and over again until they get kicked out of school for being older than the teachers… Hooked on Phonics will break some off the home stash just for them as well!  Hooked on Phonics is totally inclusive in destroying lives one hard G at a time…

Better keep that phonics ghost hidden in the closet should you enter politics...

Better keep that phonics ghost hidden in the closet should you enter politics…

But that’s not all, you also get this nifty little kit to help you understand what you’ve smoked read…

Over 60 million people can't be wrong, at least when a ballot box isn't involved...

Over 60 million people can’t be wrong, at least when a ballot box isn’t involved…

This reading comprehension program has been used by “over 60 million people”.  According to the latest population estimates in the United States, that means that 1 out of every 6 of my readers can better comprehend the gibberish I post here thanks to this very Hooked on Phonics workshop!  Wow, why were so many parents so eager to purchase this 12 step program for their future zombies?  Was it really that good at teaching kids how to read, or maybe there was another explanation…

I'm surprised Kia's brother didn't turn that into a 1-900 number.

I’m surprised Kia’s brother didn’t turn that into a 1-900 number.

Every Hooked on Phonics commercial had the same easy to remember number for ordering, 1-800-ABCDEFG.  And of course, they had to turn it into a semi-song every time.  Can you imagine trying to decipher this number after you’ve become hooked on phonics?  Abb.. uh, abkuhhh, abkudefug?  Your phonic-addled brain would flip out and start hallucinating about all those mushrooms on the Mm flashcard and Rainbow Donkeys on the Uu card.  In fact, if you are one out of every six of my readers, you are probably having terrible phonics flashbacks right now….

No, no, no!  It's just a miraggy!

No, no, no! It’s just a miraggy!

At The Nest, we believe there is no excuse for literacy, and would like to take this time to thank the makers of Hooked on Phonics for resorting to a bad drug reference to convince us we really need to know about sounds in order to read the search warrant the police have shoved in our face.  But don’t take our word for it, or the words of a company who has the world’s most annoying phone number.  Here is what the testicular linguist Oswald Bates, leading expert on The Great Bowel Shift, has to say about this truly genital phonics program….

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in TV Commercials and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

42 Responses to Phonic Boom

  1. The Cutter says:

    Sadly, we used to make fun of the stupid kids in school by mocking them with “Hooked on phonics worked for me!”

  2. reocochran says:

    Funny as all heck! I loved the bad words associated with your pictures, they are ones that I say silently and often! I am saddened by the lack of literacy and that the newspapers are being smaller and less read. My Mom’s Cleveland Plain Dealer only comes every other day and the Columbus Dispatch looks the size of a pamphlet! They made it smaller to fit purses, because heaven forbid we would have too big of a paper!

  3. ksbeth says:

    love the first one so much

  4. merbear74 says:

    I am going to stand over here until you are done verbally ejaculating….

  5. C.K. Hope says:

    Miraggy LOL! They still use it in the school here – for the kids with reading/speech problems.

  6. Mental Mama says:

    I wish they still taught this way, the brat has trouble reading and looks at me like I’m the idiot when I try to help her sound shit out.

  7. Hilarious stuff, you are a clever squirrel ES!!

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  9. 1jaded1 says:

    I always laughed at the phone number. If you don’t know how to.read, you are screwed.

  10. PigLove says:

    OMP – OMP (oh my pig). I can’t breathe. You and dad’s brainwaves were right on track – it’s almost eerie. He was making phone of this last week. He was picking on mommy telling her that he was going to get *me* the program. As if! XOXO – Bacon

  11. st sahm says:

    Okay, so I read often but this post is my favorite… Mind ‘Sillage’ if we’re talking word(s) of the day.

  12. I had to look that up! Thanks for teaching me a new word!

    The sillage I leave behind is usually more…. um… unpleasant!

  13. draliman says:

    Hee hee “miraggy”!
    I escaped phonics. My parents taught me to read before I started school and they were so worried phonics would screw me up they managed to get me into a different school which didn’t use it :-).

    Now they’ve started using it in schools again (in the UK). I guess kids these days are already half way there having grown up with “words” like “gr8” and “l8er”.
    Don’t come running to me, Mr Government, when it turns out none of them can spell any actual words l8er on in life.
    LOL.

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