The Cards Know All

wacky cards

A few weeks ago, some of my friends in blogland tried out a website that gave you your own free tarot card reading.  I’m thinking Merby was first, then the NaNoMoJoPaBloMeGoGo crowd jumped on it as a convenient excuse topic for one of their daily posts.  Anyway, it did pique my interest because I had gotten an amateur tarot card reading a while back, and was a bit surprised at how well some of it fit me.  15 years ago in the middle of my first year working at Mecca, we had this short-lived co-worker who was a professed Satanist and had a deck of tarot cards.  He offered anyone who wanted to volunteer a free reading, and I figured what the heck.  I don’t remember all that much about it, other than the last card summed me up perfectly… someone who absolutely, staunchly hates change.  I am perpetually stuck in a rut, and I wouldn’t have it any other way…

Hell hath no fury...

I always trust Satanists.

So being the slacker that I am, it took me a while to finally try out the website’s free tarot card reading, but I got mine this morning.  I was a bit bummed it was only a partial reading, and there wasn’t any of those cool six of coins, douche of cups, or eleven of wands cards to be had.  Not even a Happy Squirrel card, apparently.  Oh well, I’ll take what I can get… and here’s what the “Universal Six Card Spread” had to say about me.  Included are the amazingly detailed images of each card the website provides, with lifeless illustrations by the same guy who draws all those bible stories books for kids…

Card 1 – How you feel about yourself now

I must feel pretty damn good, because I drew the Strength card for this one!

Strength apparently translates into cruelty to animals.

Strength apparently translates into cruelty to animals.

You feel that despite the challenges you have been faced with in the past, present or future, you will find the strength and courage to succeed. Whether you are recovering from ill health, a broken marriage or relationship, or challenges at work, you will find the will power to come out on top. If you are looking to give up any bad habits, such as smoking or drinking for example, this is a good time to do it.

Yeah, I’m always overbrimming in self-confidence.  Where’s that Strike One graphic from Family Feud when you need it?  I’m a born pessimist, and it is my belief that everything that can go wrong will go wrong that keeps me so damn happy when the roof doesn’t fall in on me.  About the only bad habits I have are pop soda and spending too much time slacking on the internet instead of doing something constructive… like getting my place clean for Thanksgiving.  Sorry Strength, you can keep choking that pussy all you want, you are not relevant to me…

Card 2 – What you most want at this moment

The cards say I want a High Priestess most at this moment.  Well, who wouldn’t?

Although maybe one who looks a little more happy to see me.

Although maybe one who looks a little more happy to see me.

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is for a secret to be revealed, a secret held deep within yourself or another? Go within and listen to your heart and instincts. The appearance of The High Priestess tells you that the power of the divine feminine is with you, trust it.

The power of the divine feminine is with me?  Great, even the fucking tarot cards want to mock the fact that I like colorful unicorns and am a pseudo-Brony.  Looks like that secret’s already out of the bag, though, Miss Nosy-ass Priestess.  Maybe you should go back to sniffing your glue, or eye of newt, or whatever it is that made you such a high Priestess in the first place…

Card 3 – Your fears

Don’t fear the Tower!  More cowbell!

Neptune apparently dislikes any towers that don't store water and have the city name in big print on them.

Neptune apparently dislikes any towers that don’t store water and have the city name in big print on them.

You are afraid your world is falling apart, you’re experiencing sudden changes and disruption and you don’t quite know what to do. Perhaps subconsciously you’ve wanted a solution to an issue but didn’t quite expect things to have turned out as they have. Use this change as an opportunity for a new beginning. If you have been planning to move home you will be experiencing setbacks.

Three cards into this reading, and already one card is calling the other card a liar.  Strength told me I had things under control, and he said that while he was strangling some random lion that wandered by with his bare hands.  Now some mysterious tower is telling me that’s all bullshit and my world is falling apart!  In the name of Dionne Warwick, get your act together you silly cards!

Card 4 – What is going for you

I’ve got the Hermit going for me!  Something tells me I’m into something good….

Go back to your cave, and take that raven with you.

Go back to your cave, and take that raven with you.

You are instinctively taking time to relax and reflect, drawing on your inner strength and wisdom to guide you through these difficult times. Time is a great healer, so if you don’t know quite what to do now in time you will. The Hermit signals a warning not to make hasty decisions, and if you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.

Yeah, rest and recuperation at the busiest time of the year for my occupation.  Thanks a lot for the laugh, hermit.  Not all of us are chronically unemployed like you are, getting all the time we want to relax and recuperate, and living off whatever critters are slow enough or stupid enough to let you whack them with that scythe.  Strength told me to go ahead and make hasty decisions, because I know what I’m doing… and if you don’t watch it, he’s going to choke that stupid bird on your shoulder and sell it to KFC.

Card 5 – What is going against you

The Moon!?!?  How can the moon be going against a creature of the night like myself?

This reminds me of the saying about a dog with three dicks...

This reminds me of the saying about a dog with three dicks…

You are frozen with fear, lack of nerve and confused as to what it is you actually want. You are allowing all your fears and anxieties to hold you back when you should be opening your mind to new and unexpected possibilities. You do need to be careful however, as there are deceitful people around who may seem charming but are only out for their own gains. If in a clandestine affair beware, your secret may be exposed.

If I’ve learned one thing from this reading so far, it’s that the other cards in the deck absolutely hate that showoff Strength.  The Tower, The Hermit, and now this three-faced bitch have all told me not to listen to him, and each with a more dire warning than the next.  Sorry, but the reason I’m probably frozen in fear is because I’ve never encountered a three-headed creature before, and I have a right to be afraid of all six of you.  Even Strength only has two hands and wouldn’t know which neck to start choking first.  I’m going to be keeping an eye on some of those deceitful people that creep around my blog, though.  I hear one of them even has a trained hawk

Card 6 – Outcome

What else, but the fucking Devil Himself?

I knew it!  The Devil is Zamfir!!!

I knew it! The Devil is Zamfir!!!

If your previous cards have been positive and your main consideration has been about a relationship then there’s a possibility of commitment, even a proposal of marriage. If this is not the case this a final opportunity for you to change course, because the temptation you are experiencing concerning a relationship, money or materialism or any other kind of addiction won’t lead to a happy ending. If you are feeling low in self-belief and self worth and doubt your abilities, don’t, have more confidence – its not too late to change direction.

Satan wants me to try to draw some conclusion based on the first five contradictory cards I drew.  Yeah, welcome to Hell.  I wasn’t feeling low in self belief and self worth until I had a steroid fueled strongman, a strung out priestess, a crumbling tower, a pathetic hermit, and siamese triplets all try to steer me in different directions with their shitty advice.  Unfortunately, it’s too late for me to change direction, because I’ve already suffered this crummy reading and typed up this damn post… but thanks for warning me that someone might propose to me.  I’ll be damn sure to sic the three-headed dog on the first girl who tries that with me…


Tarot cards are evil.

We're even eviler with a Facebook app!

We’re even eviler with a Facebook app!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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30 Responses to The Cards Know All

  1. acuriousgal says:

    Oh, Evil Squirrel, you made my day…..too darn funny. I wonder if anyone’s ever got the death card? That’s why I stay away from those things. I noticed you crossed out pop….you’re like one of those anti Dentites from Seinfeld….you’re an anti popite

  2. OMG laughing so hard at your dire misfortune! At least you didn’t draw Death as what you’re most looking forward to (see my post today). Ah, Tarot, you hoot!

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Thank you for the Peter Noone and his backup band earworm this morning 🙂

  4. merbear74 says:

    Dude, I have no words that can fully encapsulate how funny this post was.

  5. Twindaddy says:

    The devil doesn’t look so intimidating in that picture. I think we can take him.

  6. C.K. Hope says:

    I’ve had a few tarot readings and they never turn out well, as in the people doing the readings gather up the cards and say, “Yes, well. That can’t be right at all.” And I have never had a reading that didn’t include the devil and the tower. That does not inspire confidence in my life … I literally had a psychic have a meltdown, scream at me and close the shop telling me I cursed her by letting her read me as she shoved me out the door.

    I haven’t tried this reading thing of Mer’s yet. I’ve been afraid the site will burst into flames or something. Though your take on the cards was hysterical so maybe I’ll risk checking mine … Oh and I would never set the Hawk on you, ES, regardless of how er, potentially evil this whole comment makes me out to sound 😉

    • Oooh, since I got the Devil and the Tower, I must be just as cursed as you are! I’m glad my reading didn’t piss off the Satanist I worked with, or I might have wound up sacrificed on the altar!

  7. Mental Mama says:

    I must be the only one who got a totally bullshit reading. I got as far as it telling me I was going to get pregnant and stopped right there.

  8. PigLove says:

    Snorts – too funny was your reading. Mommy went to New Orleans one time and had a reading. Some true / some way off base. Like she would never have a child. What do you call me? Mince meat? uumm.. wrong choice of words there. What do you call me? snorts. XOXO – Bacon

  9. youngatfifty says:

    I am sure ES can do better (evil ) predictions than those cards…never once tried them so far ! why would anyone want to believe what is already written on a pre printed card !!

  10. That was so funny!! The art work really is funny all on it’s own. The priestess looks like a zombie or similar and not at all friendly. Loved the ref to bible stories. I loved being read bible stories as a kid but it is true, the pics were all like on the cards. Kind of both menacing AND dead at the same time!! HaHa!! 🙂

  11. Teepee12 says:

    Considering Tarot is entirely intuitional, how in the world could any kind of computer application give a meaningful reading? These apps are designed so that whatever it says, it also says the opposite. Actually, those apps are an art form in their own right.

    • The fine art of speaking in generalities while still being able to sound relevant to the participant! At least a real psychic is more convincing than a pre-written computerized explanation.

  12. 1jaded1 says:

    I couldnt stop laughing at this. Douche of cups. Even though i used to read cards a lifetime ago, this was hilarious….um…death is not the worst card…bwahahahaha.

  13. Pingback: Haiku Part Two | OK, Who Ate The Daisies ...

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