In The Green Room

This is how we treat people who act up in Mr. Green's room!!!

This is how we treat people who act up in Mr. Green’s room!!!

…with black curtains, at the station!  Oh, excuse me!  I was just singing to myself there.

Well, guess what day it is again?  Yep, good ol’ Friday!  Thank God it’s time for another installment in my long-winded drama packed saga chronicling my appearance on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire 13-some years ago!  Yes, if I were to opt to actually participate in NaNoJaBloMePoGowhatever this November, I could just repost this little bloggy novel every day and sit back and dream of turducken, assuming I finish this series before November that is…

Mmmmmm!  Kinda tastes like bifurcated possum!

Mmmmmm! Kinda tastes like bifurcated possum!

Hey, last week we rode the cramped short bus to the ABC studio and were just settling into the green room when we left off.

I had mentioned at the end of last week’s post that the green room is often mentioned and sometimes even shown on TV talk shows, so even people who have never been near a television studio are familiar with the term for the guest lounge, and probably even have a reasonably good concept of what a green room looks like.  If you do, congratulations!  Because 13 years have pretty much shot my memory of the basic design of the damn green room I occupied for several hours on that cold January morning.  My brain is the type that will remember stupid little background crap nobody else would even think of noticing, yet miss the most obvious features…

Hey!  I think I have those same purple flowers growing in my backyard!

Hey! I think I have those same purple flowers growing in my backyard!

I do know the green room had some chow.  After a light dinner of mystery meat and Ritz crackers, I could have sure gone for something to keep my stomach from wanting to digest my brain.  There was a nice, long table on which a scrumptious continental breakfast was beautifully set upon.  As I gazed upon the feast before me, I couldn’t get over just how totally fucking unappetizing the whole damned mess seemed to me.  Being a night person, I’m not much on the entire concept of whatever the hell “breakfast” is supposed to be anyway.  Let alone when it has the fancy-pants adjective “continental” added in front of it…

You can't beat Antarctica for continental breakfast!

You can’t beat Antarctica for continental breakfast!

There are seven continents in this big wide world that make up a good majority of the earth’s land mass.  Unless this endless collection of muffins, croissants, and things that resembled muffins and croissants came from some island in the middle of nowhere, then no shit it’s a “continental” breakfast!  And whatever continent it came from can go fetch their navy to take this shit back to the mainland and feed it to the sewer rats.  I could really just go for a big bucket of fried chicken right now….

Do you deliver to green rooms?

Do you deliver to green rooms?

Then again… this could be another pre-taping learning experience.  Pick a game show, any game show, and the one category that kills me over and over and over again is FOOD.  My culinary knowledge does not extend much beyond comestibles that have the prefix “Mc” attached to them.  If there was a pop quiz on the names of most of these so-called edibles at the continental breakfast table, I’d be sent back on the next plane to St. Louis before ever getting to even meet Regis.  It would help if they had little signs for what everything was like they do down at Golden Corral…

That's better!  Knowledge is power.

That’s better! Knowledge is power.

Not feeling too adventurous, I picked up the only two things on the table I could both identify and eat without wanting to spit it back out.  That wound up being a plate full of watermelon bits and a cup of orange juice.  Yum yum!  Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, after all…

What a healthy way to start the day!

What a healthy way to start the day!

Since me and Dad were almost literally at the back of the North American breakfast line, that meant that thirty-something other people had already gotten the chance to grab all of the comfy seating in the spacious green room.  All of the couches, love seats, comfy chairs…. yeah, they were already occupied by my rivals and their friends.  So that left us with a couple of plain old, regular chairs down towards the end of the room near the window.  And yes, these were just ordinary chair chairs…

Though a bit more sturdy than what I had back at the Dumpire Hotel.

Though a bit more sturdy than what I had back at the Dumpire Hotel.

Once everyone grabbed something to eat and made themselves comfortable (or a reasonable facsimile thereof for us), the show’s associate producers began to converge on the green room.  Each contestant for each individual taping was assigned to a different associate producer, and these AP’s were seeking out the contestant they were responsible for to extract some interesting details that Regis could discuss in the Hot Seat with them.  That means another interview from hell is coming… only this time, without the pressure of it deciding whether I make it on the show or not.  Just whether they might want to slip me the set of impossible questions to give me a quick boot…

For $100, here's your first question, Evil Squirrel!

For $100, here’s your first question, Evil Squirrel!

As I’m watching the Millionaire Inquisition begin to chat up its intended victims, all of a sudden a phone rings!



It is sitting in the windowsill  not far from where me and my Dad have camped out.  There’s another contestant, fellow first taping finalist Wynema Kimbrough, and her companion who are sitting within reaching distance of the mystery phone.  We trade awkward glances, then look around to see if any of the AP’s are going to come answer this very important phone call, but they are too engrossed in creating fantastic conversational tidbits out of ordinary boring details of people’s lives.  Now Wynema’s desperately looking at me like I have the best answer on what the proper protocol is for answering a telephone in the green room.

Finally I say, “Pick it up and answer, ‘Good morning, Tom Brokaw here!'”

Which of course is funny in some lameass way if you know that Tom Brokaw was the anchor for NBC Nightly News at the time...

Which of course is funny in some lameass way if you know that Tom Brokaw was the anchor for NBC Nightly News at the time…

The phone was allowed to ring until it rang no more.  It shall forever remain a mystery who was on the other end of that call…

...twenty-seven ringy dingies... twenty-eight ringy dingies...

…twenty-seven ringy dingies… twenty-eight ringy dingies…

Finally Wynema’s AP finds her and starts the process of finding out what makes her so special.  I eavesdrop carefully listen to the back and forth of this conversation to hopefully prep myself for when my turn will come…. if ever.  Wynema goes on and on about her fascination with the wrestler known as The Rock.  She is The Rock’s number one fan.  The interviewing AP is very excited about this nugget since game show fans love contestants who idolize steroid fueled professional actors wrestlers.

Particularly those who KEPT ME AWAKE THE NIGHT BEFORE!

Particularly those who KEPT ME AWAKE THE NIGHT BEFORE!

It seems like everyone who will be in my group is being interviewed except for me.  Not that I’m complaining, mind you… but I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been forgotten, or maybe my AP can’t find me because someone spelled “Bill” wrong on my nametag.

You don't seem to belong here, son.  Someone call for Secutiry...

You don’t seem to belong here, son. Someone call for Secutiry…

One of the female AP’s who was noticeable because she walked with a cane had concluded the interview with her contestant and noticed I was still sitting around looking like a little lost dumbass.  She seemed to know I was Brent’s charge, and that Brent is apparently a very busy guy around the studio, what with having to bake the continental breakfast, take Rosie O’Donnell out for a walk, and clean Regis’ toilet.  So she began asking a few questions, none of which must have been of importance because the only two things I can remember about this woman are the cane, and the fact that she had The List…

I believe Twindaddy was looking for this the other day...

I believe Twindaddy was looking for this the other day in my Little Caesar’s post…

No, not that kind of list… the list of contestants for my taping group.  More importantly, the ORDER of contestants.  It was on the top sheet of paper in the clipboard she was carrying around, and I noticed my name was dead last on it… tenth out of ten.  This was good, because I figured it was also going to be our seating order as we occupied the “Ring of Fire” that made up the chairs of the ten potential contestants-in-waiting.  On the Millionaire message board, there was believed to be a curse attached to whoever sat in Seat #9, which also happened to be the seat directly behind Regis’ chair, because a large number of high profile members of the community had been assigned to it without ever making the Hot Seat.  Though I am one of the most non-superstitious people you will ever find, I still had to feel a slight boost of confidence upon learning I had avoided the show’s black hole…

Typical Seat 9 contestant.

Typical Seat 9 contestant.

Oh, it looks like Brent has finally managed to find the time to make an appearance!  That’s OK, dude, I had fun chilling here for an hour while everyone else was being treated like a VIP and you were busy finding the next very small room you were going to try squishing us all in.  Oh, by the way, Mimi called while you were out and my secretary here took a message…. she wants you to rewash Drew Carey’s laundry until the skidmarks in his tighty whiteys are completely gone this time!  Got that?

Thanks, Doll!  You're the best!

Thanks, Doll! You’re the best!

Oh, and since you made me wait, I’m going to make you wait as well!  How about them watermelon chunks apples, Brent?  We’ll pick this up next week as I get my own personal little inquisition from the man who practically runs the ABC Network.  See ya in seven days!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Millionaire Journey and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to In The Green Room

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    The Clue picture made my morning, more so than Cream (and I love Clapton).

    I’ll never look at continental breakfast the same way again, though really only one continent counts: ours! Minus those other countries, of course 😉

    • That Clue image would have been even better had it actually been an animated GIF! When I found it, I initially held out for an animated version, but the best I found was one showing Wadsworth’s re-enactment of the slap. Clue may very well be my favorite movie ever…

      I did consider your soft spot for penguins before using that other (obviously Photoshopped) picture, but it just tied in too well with the joke I wanted to make. And how much I hate continental breakfasts!

      • NotAPunkRocker says:

        It’s fine, I get the whole “circle of life”. Whales have gotta eat 🙂

        I think I know what I am watching tonight, I just hope it is still on Netflix!

  2. Is there any chance to find out who was on the other end of that call ? Maybe it was an extra phone joker for the one who picked it up?

    • I don’t know if it’s possible to do a trace of a 13 year old call… though I’ll bet if forensic phone tracing could be done, someone on one of the CSI shows could do it….

  3. PigLove says:

    WOW – Maybe at the other end of the phone was Publisher’s Clearing House – you could have won! Snorts – Who needs breakfast like that. Why does breakfast *have* to be breakfast food? It can be anything in my books… including chicken 🙂 Can’t wait for next week’s installment my friend. XOXO – Bacon

    • Wouldn’t that have been a hoot to win a sweepstakes while waiting to tape a game show! If it was Ed McMahon and Dick Clark calling, I’d really be kicking myself!

      • PigLove says:

        Exactly! It could have been your lucky call my friend. It would have been a snort of a time if was them calling. I could see you jumping for joy and knocking over the so called ‘breakfast’ table – PLOL. XOXO – Bacon

  4. I’m on the edge of my seat waiting until next Friday. In the meantime I’ll find breakfast (minus the squirrel loaf.)

  5. Twindaddy says:

    Did something happen after the pic of the girl in a bikini? I lost all focus after I saw that…

  6. draliman says:

    I thought for sure this week you’d have made it to the taping 🙂
    I can’t believe you strung us along with that phone call, making us think it was some important plot twist, and then no-one answered it. Shame on you!

    • You might want to cut and paste that first line and save it… you will be wearing it out over the next few weeks… 😉

      And I would never ever dream of adding anything to the story that wasn’t of 100% vital importance to the plot! Maybe….

  7. Lynda says:

    My comments this week:

    Oh dear…
    I have that phone!
    There really is a Shit List? (who knew?)
    Gag me with a spoon! (Cheerios filled toilet)
    That turkey had been hangin’ out downriver from the nuclear power plant perhaps?
    and finally…
    Squirrel loaf? Mmmm…


  8. 1jaded1 says:

    All this happened in only the first hour? Wow! Food buffets freak me out. Ick! Off to wait for another week…oh, how you torture us so (but we love it).

    • For lack of a clock in the green room, I can’t say exactly when anything took place that morning. I do know we got there around 7:00 AM and the taping was scheduled for 12:30 PM… so my story will pretty much take on the pace of “24” since there’s still about 5 more segments to go before showtime!

  9. 1jaded1 says:

    Oh how you torture us so (and we love it).

  10. 1jaded1 says:

    Weird, my comments went to spam. You know how to keep us on the edge of our chairs! See you next week.

    • Looks like WP is randomly sending stuff to akismet again! I have extracted your comments (and another I was unaware of) from the spam filter. Maybe akismet doesn’t like the word torture… but it better get used to it on Fridays! 😉

  11. I definitely think you should enter the “NaNoJaBloMePoGowhatever” thingie in November. I did last year and it was a total waste of time and effort, so it should work for you, too. Mystery meat is my fave since college where it was a regular feature of the menu … and I have those little blue flowers in my garden, too. I think they are mayflowers or something else.

    • Oh, I wouldn’t even waste the time and effort to consider it! I’m not a novel writer by any stretch of the imagination, nor do I aspire to be one. I do seem to have a knack at series writing, though… and dragging out the suspense! 🙂

  12. merbear74 says:

    I believe it’s a white room…oh wait, I see what you did there. Clever. 😉

Jabber Away...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s