Ask any Health Nazi worth their dietary swastika about breakfast, and they will cheerfully tell you that it is “the most important meal of the day!” If you don’t eat a nutritious breakfast in the morning, you will have a shitty day and probably die from malnutrition even before Robert Goulet can mess with your stuff. This is why every commercial for cereal in advertising history showed us that a breakfast was not complete if we didn’t have both a glass of orange juice AND a glass of milk…
As you may know, I work the night shift and have toiled on nights for 15 years now. Obviously, breakfast is a foreign concept to me… or at least one which is a bit confusing. When I wake up in the evening and throw together a meal before work, is that considered to be dinner or breakfast? What about when I come home from work in the morning and grab whatever I can find to tide me over until it’s time to hit the sack, what is that called? Am I missing out on the most important meal of the day, or am I actually indulging in it twice?
Just what in the fuck is breakfast in the first place!?!?!?
Well, if we are to believe the majority of dining establishments in the fast food industry, breakfast is a matter of timing. Breakfast can only happen between set hours each day. You can not have a Sausage McMuffin at 10:31 in the morning, unless it’s a Sunday because for some reason weekends have different breakfast rules. If we are to go by the Mickey Dee’s criteria for what constitutes breakfast, then my after-work meal counts me in as a champion breakfast eater. I truly enjoyed that hamburger I fried up this morning and guzzled down with a hernia jug full of Pepsi, and because it’s considered to be breakfast, it must have been healthy for me as well!
“No, no, no, no!” you are saying. Hamburger and Pepsi is NOT breakfast! But why isn’t it? I can have hamburger and Pepsi for lunch or dinner, and nobody would even blink. But go into McDonald’s and ask for a Big Mac during breakfast hours, and you’ll confuse the cashier and upset the manager when you try to reason with them.
No, breakfast is unique among the three meals of the day because it is the only one which has a very specific set of food items which one is supposed to eat, and which generally are not supposed to be eaten for either of the other two meals. It sucks to have such a limited culinary choice for a meal that is supposed to be the one that gets you through your day, and then not be able to select any of those items later on for lunch or dinner. Sausage, eggs, toast, hash browns, muffins, orange juice, cereal, bacon…..
What in the name of all that is overrated has gotten everyone into orgasmic seizures over fucking bacon!?!? I like bacon. It’s about the only breakfast food I actually do like other than cereal straight out of the box. But I can take it or leave it. I certainly don’t worship bacon, or salivate over bacon, or have to change my pants after just getting a whiff of frying bacon. Seriously folks, bacon is fine and dandy, but it’s not all that. Heck, I don’t even eat regular bacon! Bacon is not a flavor, and absolutely NOTHING that tastes like bacon that isn’t just plain bacon is even edible. Bacon is certainly not the food of the gods, and I believe a check of the Bible will even confirm that. And you don’t need to have 69 strips of bacon on your cheeseburger anymore than Mr. T needs to have Fort Knox hanging around his neck…
So what have we learned today?
1. Breakfast is the most important, but also the most regulated meal of the day. Make sure to check all state and federal laws for compliance before enjoying your balanced breakfast, or else prepare to suffer the consequences of Food Justice.
2. Restaurants that serve whatever, whenever rule!
3. Bacon worship is dumb.
So remember, don’t let the clock tell you when you can have a hankering for some cold cereal, nor let the morning sun dictate what you can throw in the microwave. We live in a land of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, so why should we tolerate the chains of breakfast? Breakfast may be the most important meal of the day, but it is also the most ridiculous meal of the day…