Breakfast Of Chumpions

Good morning!  This should keep you on the pot all day long...

Good morning! This should keep you on the pot all day long…

Ask any Health Nazi worth their dietary swastika about breakfast, and they will cheerfully tell you that it is “the most important meal of the day!”  If you don’t eat a nutritious breakfast in the morning, you will have a shitty day and probably die from malnutrition even before Robert Goulet can mess with your stuff.  This is why every commercial for cereal in advertising history showed us that a breakfast was not complete if we didn’t have both a glass of orange juice AND a glass of milk…

Nice try, Cap'n, but it's not a COMPLETE breakfast if you don't have strawberries thrown in the cereal as well...

Nice try, Cap’n, but it’s not a COMPLETE breakfast if you don’t have strawberries thrown in the cereal as well…

overratedAs you may know, I work the night shift and have toiled on nights for 15 years now.  Obviously, breakfast is a foreign concept to me… or at least one which is a bit confusing.  When I wake up in the evening and throw together a meal before work, is that considered to be dinner or breakfast?  What about when I come home from work in the morning and grab whatever I can find to tide me over until it’s time to hit the sack, what is that called?  Am I missing out on the most important meal of the day, or am I actually indulging in it twice?

Just what in the fuck is breakfast in the first place!?!?!?

How about you serve me some French Toast Sticks and just all it lunch?

How about you serve me some French Toast Sticks and just all it lunch?

Well, if we are to believe the majority of dining establishments in the fast food industry, breakfast is a matter of timing.  Breakfast can only happen between set hours each day.  You can not have a Sausage McMuffin at 10:31 in the morning, unless it’s a Sunday because for some reason weekends have different breakfast rules.  If we are to go by the Mickey Dee’s criteria for what constitutes breakfast, then my after-work meal counts me in as a champion breakfast eater.  I truly enjoyed that hamburger I fried up this morning and guzzled down with a hernia jug full of Pepsi, and because it’s considered to be breakfast, it must have been healthy for me as well!

fat possum

Check out my awesome breakfast belly!

“No, no, no, no!” you are saying.  Hamburger and Pepsi is NOT breakfast!  But why isn’t it?  I can have hamburger and Pepsi for lunch or dinner, and nobody would even blink.  But go into McDonald’s and ask for a Big Mac during breakfast hours, and you’ll confuse the cashier and upset the manager when you try to reason with them.

I'm making minimum wage and I have to wear a fucking tie.  Don't mess with me, sir...

I’m making minimum wage and I have to wear a fucking tie. Don’t mess with me, sir…

No, breakfast is unique among the three meals of the day because it is the only one which has a very specific set of food items which one is supposed to eat, and which generally are not supposed to be eaten for either of the other two meals.  It sucks to have such a limited culinary choice for a meal that is supposed to be the one that gets you through your day, and then not be able to select any of those items later on for lunch or dinner.  Sausage, eggs, toast, hash browns, muffins, orange juice, cereal, bacon…..

Now we know why they tried to kill us with their flu four years ago...

Now we know why they tried to kill us with their flu four years ago…

What in the name of all that is overrated has gotten everyone into orgasmic seizures over fucking bacon!?!?  I like bacon.  It’s about the only breakfast food I actually do like other than cereal straight out of the box.  But I can take it or leave it.  I certainly don’t worship bacon, or salivate over bacon, or have to change my pants after just getting a whiff of frying bacon.  Seriously folks, bacon is fine and dandy, but it’s not all that.  Heck, I don’t even eat regular bacon!  Bacon is not a flavor, and absolutely NOTHING that tastes like bacon that isn’t just plain bacon is even edible.  Bacon is certainly not the food of the gods, and I believe a check of the Bible will even confirm that.  And you don’t need to have 69 strips of bacon on your cheeseburger anymore than Mr. T needs to have Fort Knox hanging around his neck…

I think I'm going to get my ass kicked...

I think I’m going to get my ass kicked…

So what have we learned today?

1. Breakfast is the most important, but also the most regulated meal of the day.  Make sure to check all state and federal laws for compliance before enjoying your balanced breakfast, or else prepare to suffer the consequences of Food Justice.

All I did was enjoy a waffle at high noon!

All I did was enjoy a waffle at high noon!

2. Restaurants that serve whatever, whenever rule!

Thank you, Mr. Box.

Thank you, Mr. Box.

3. Bacon worship is dumb.

George worship is not.

George worship is not.

So remember, don’t let the clock tell you when you can have a hankering for some cold cereal, nor let the morning sun dictate what you can throw in the microwave.  We live in a land of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, so why should we tolerate the chains of breakfast?  Breakfast may be the most important meal of the day, but it is also the most ridiculous meal of the day…

Well, almost the most ridiculous meal of the day...

Well, almost the most ridiculous meal of the day…

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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52 Responses to Breakfast Of Chumpions

  1. Twindaddy says:

    I had Buffalo chicken tenders for breakfast. Should I be looking to move to another country? One with no extradition treaty with us?

  2. draliman says:

    There’s nothing quite like cold pizza with Tabasco sauce chucked on top for breakfast.
    Unfortunately I’m so greedy these days there’s not usually any pizza left over from the night before 🙂
    Mmm, pizza.

  3. addercatter says:

    I love making Brinner. If my kids wouldn’t object I would make Brinner every evening…

  4. merbear74 says:

    I agree, nothing better for breakfast than cold pizza right out of the box.

    Are there squirrels afoot? 😉

  5. acuriousgal says:

    Oh you’re soooo funny, great post!!!! Dare I say, I’ve served Waffles and French Toast for dinner on a number of occasions!! The shame!!!!! For a night shifter, I think you can have whatever you want, whenever you want…..although true, you can’t have an Egg McMuffin at 10:31am, that really sucks!!!!! I just saw a donut with maple frosting and bits of bacon on top, hmmmmmm, interesting!!!

  6. C.K. Hope says:

    I have coffeh for breakfast. Lots of coffeh. I hate mornings, I loved working nights; for one I could go to bed and skip the hated mornings, for two – not too many people go shopping after 11 pm and that makes for a better work environment!

    Breakfast though? The closest I get to breakfast food for breakfast (I will however have breakfast for dinner on occasion) is oatmeal cookies. 😉 My older kids would have me make mac and cheese for them before school. The youngest eats a peanut butter sandwich or pizza.

    • Mac and cheese before school! Ha! What would all of those cereal mascots think about that? Who cares, they were all douchebags anyway! 😉

      Working in a store that is closed the majority of the time I am on the clock rules. I would have to punch someone during the day….

      • C.K. Hope says:

        The only time my kids wanted cereal is when they happened to have a toy in it they wanted. Then I’d have kids fighting over a toy and a box of cereal sitting around getting stale.

        The mascots that weren’t douches were just morons 😉

        The BEST job I ever had was store set-up, I got done with one and the place wanted me to stay on as part of their customer service team when they let people in. I laughed.

  7. Mental Mama says:

    My hubs would pretty well take his “breakfast” for any meal – scrambled eggs, corned beef hash, and a couple of toast “shovels” to get into his face hole with. I get utterly tired of it.

    I generally don’t eat in the mornings because I just don’t get hungry until around lunch time. I drink a lot of tea though, which may account for that.

    • Yeah, I generally don’t eat right after I get up on my days off either. I just wait for lunch and pig out then. I skip the whole nasty lot of nasty breakfast foods….

      • Mental Mama says:

        I don’t mind breakfast foods – on the weekend. During the week most of that shit is just too heavy for me. I’d rather have some fruit or a yogurt, maybe a nice scone if I can get an ice cold bottle of milk to go with it.

  8. 1jaded1 says:

    I’ve made a “breakfast” of steak and garlic potato. Yum. Conversely, I’ve had eggs and hash browns for dinner…food is food.

    Lol, I was the nerd geek who looked at the picture and said…you forgot the Orange juice… I’m sure my parents asked where did we go wrong…

    BTW, maggot donalds has the after midnight menu, where you can order breakfast and dinner together.

    • That always bothered me that there was milk AND orange juice! Who drinks both at the same time? What was with the strawberries in the cereal? All those cereal mascot clowns were trying to make breakfast as unfun as possible!

      It’s been a long time since I went to Mickey Dee’s in the middle of the night. One of the last times I did, they took my order and money then conveniently forgot about me until the next car pulled through 20 minutes later. They couldn’t hear me banging on the window due to their loud music they were playing….

  9. Juliette says:

    Looks like a full scale breakfast rebellion going on here. I’m not a morning person…coffee is about all I can handle, and well, you know what I eat.

  10. The words Swastika and Nazi have a very horrendous connotation for many people. The choice of words describing a breakfast might be more carefully selected.

    • I appreciate and understand your concern, but this is just the kind of thing that irritates me about political correctness. Feeling unfree to use certain terms, symbols, references in even a lighthearted manner goes against everything we believe in. Even popularly-implicit restrictions on free speech are still restrictions. For better or worse, the word Nazi has become an add-on to a general subject to mockingly describe someone who is overly authoritative with regards to the domain at hand. Blame Jerry Seinfeld, who I believe is Jewish himself…

  11. krangara says:

    Shoot – you have brilliantly articulated what has enraged me for so long! hahahaha What’s up with all the rules surrounding Breakfast anyway?! lol

    For instance, every time I tell someone I want to have an Omelet for Dinner, they are like, “At that hour? Why not wait until the next day and have it for breakfast?!”

    But I do not want to have it the next day. I want to have it NOW! 😛

    Very well-written – gave me a much-needed laugh! 😉

  12. gentlestitches says:

    Bloody hell!!
    I like the phrase “health natzi” I like the way “natzi” is used to remind us of the evils of fascism.
    I like the fact that I have been lucky enough to have been born free of an evil dictators regime.
    I am glad I am aware of and realize the above.
    Hoorah for free speech. Hooray for “natzi” being used as an unacceptable way of being.
    It is now a popular cultural way of using a shortcut to point out what can happen if people who need to control others are not kept in check. We know what can happen. Many of us have lived what can happen.
    We need to keep the victims and survivors in our hearts and prayers and never, ever forget.

    This was a humorous post. The world needs more humour. Stick your political correctness up your jumper. I love the new Australian way cafes are adopting of ALL DAY BREAKFAST!

  13. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Last spring break, when the kid left town for the week, I ate Apple Jacks for dinner every night.

    Cold pizza, Pad Thai or General Tso’s chicken are great breakfast choices.

  14. ksbeth says:

    hello, my name is beth and i am a bacon-obsessive….

  15. We talked McDonalds into letting us have the unsold sausage McMuffins this morning 10 minutes after the magic hour. We shouldn’t have. Blechhhhh!!!!!

  16. The Cutter says:

    I am a member of the “I would eat breakfast foods all day if I could” camp. This has caused some marital tension, as Mrs. Cutter is not as big a fan of breakfast foods. So when I suggest having dinner at IHOP, she is not excited.

  17. Lynda says:

    We got home wiped out last night after all our hard work. We had eggs (from my hens) thick sliced bacon, and toast with butter. Bob added a serving of vegetables to his eggs in the form of salsa. (Hey, Ronald Reagan called catsup as a vegetable) It was good, filling, and FAST! Anyone who has a problem with that can go eat whatever pleases them. 😉

    Love breakfast for dinner… whatever time is!

  18. psquirrel says:

    I remember the first time I showed up to a McDonalds at 8am after working all night, craving nothing but a big, tasty, saucy Big Mac. Not only was my request denied, it was denied with impunity! I was infuriated! Big up’s to places who will serve whatever, whenever! =)

    • That sucks! I have yet to have a craving for fast food when I get off work, but if I do, I know I can hit Jack in the Crack and fulfill it. In fact, since I discovered Jack brought back their classic fries, I have yet to go back to McDonalds. They can just keep looking at their watch and telling me what I can and can’t order!

      • psquirrel says:

        Classic fries you say? This sounds like it bears investigation! =) McDonald’s has become more and more of a disappointment, and one of the worst offences my local franchises committed is when started charging a dollar for extra sauce on the Big Mac. YES – an entire DOLLAR for what amounted to maybe a tablespoon of sauce. OUTRAGEOUS!

      • That’s ridiculous!!!! The one here has a sign that proclaims they will charge for “extra” condiments. Sheesh! Aren’t you a multi billion dollar corporation? I’m lucky if I can even extract salt and pepper from them anymore…

        I used to go to Jack’s all the time just for the fries, then they changed to those natural cut atrocities. Now they’ve gone back to the classic fries, and they’re some of the best in the fast food business!

  19. fransiweinstein says:

    Having breakfast for supper is one of my favourite things.

  20. Big Guy and I really enjoy Brinner – Breakfast/Dinner, whereas Hubby thinks chocolate chip Mickey Mouse pancakes and sausage is just wrong (well, he thinks it’s wrong any time of day)!pinion)!

  21. PigLove says:

    sniff sniff… mommy is not a huge breakfast eater. But, sniff sniff, I do have to set you straight on one thing my friend. “Bacon worship is dumb.” UNLESS it is this Bacon that you worship 🙂 XOXO – Bacon

    • Well, I guess it was hard to tell since I started off the sentence with it, but that was bacon with a lowercase B! We all love the real Bacon! Accept no substitutes!

      • PigLove says:

        Snorts – that’s my friend. See, I agree 100% about the eating kind of bacon. Why? Really why? I don’t eat it – snorts. Mommy I think she does at times but she doesn’t tell me about it or do it in front of me. I mean, that would be weird, right? So, love me – Bacon in its purest form. XOXO – Bacon

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