Soft And Creepy

snuggle bear

Congratulations!  You have just created a product that is so awesome, the entire world tuesday tvneeds to use it!  Of course, if you want people to buy your product, you will need to find a way to market it to the public.  One creative and fun way to market your product is to create a mascot to be the product’s spokesperson.  Creating just the right mascot to pitch your product to an audience with money burning a hole in its pocket is very important.  You don’t want to create a cool looking camel to sell your cigarettes, or a six foot tall cockroach to sing the praises of your potato chips, or a talking dildo to sell sugar coated cereal (though that would be totally awesome).

No, you need a mascot that truly represents what you want your product to convey.  If, for instance, you were selling fabric softener, you would want to create something cute and cuddly and snuggly soft to personify how your product will make clothes feel that way…

Like this...

Like this…

When the makers of Snuggle put their heads together in 1983 to create a mascot for their fabric softener, they decided that a fluffy plush teddy bear would be the perfect embodiment of cute, cuddly, and snuggly soft.  But something went wrong between the drawing board and the assembly line, because the result was one of the creepiest commercial mascots in the history of advertising…

You should really feel how soft this sheet is while I sink my teeth into the side of your neck!

You should really feel how soft this sheet is while I sink my teeth into the side of your neck!

Here is Unilever’s most horrific mistake Snuggle Bear wreaking havoc in the laundry room in this classic commercial from 1986.

Would you let this thing into your house!?!?

It's time to add the dryer sheets..... BITCH!

It’s time to add the dryer sheets….. BITCH!

It’s very easy to take something that might otherwise be adorably cute and turn it into a monster that emits creepiness from every furry pore.  It’s hard to pinpoint just what exactly makes Snuggle Bear so creepy, though having learned about cute and creepy from YouTube’s vSauce, the problem seems to be in the facial details.  For how big and poofy the bear’s head is, the eyes are way too small and beady.  The small mouth also is frequently flashing a sinister looking grin that combined with the piercing eyes and a little alcohol make the Snuggle Beast look downright evil…

Oh shit!!!  I really need to change to Downy sheets!

Oh shit!!! I really need to change to Downy sheets!

I am entirely too familiar with laundry’s most eerie looking freak show, because it has been my job for the past 12+ years to put his products on the counter in Mecca’s detergent aisle.  Thankfully, his mangy little mug no longer appears on the packing cases Snuggle is shipped in anymore, but it used to be.  There was a case for the old refill carton we used to carry that had Snuggle Bear snuggling up to a towel inked on the side of it that looked downright terrifying with the way the printing on corrugated cardboard made it look.  I’m pretty sure I could have scared both small and large children by flashing it to them, even in broad daylight….

Time to put your intestines through the rinse cycle!  BWAHAHAHA!!!!

Time to put your intestines through the rinse cycle! BWAHAHAHA!!!!

Somehow, despite the very high creep factor of the talking bear, Snuggle has not only thrived over the past 30 years, but the horror of Snuggle Bear lives on to this day on Snuggle’s packaging and in TV ads.  Never mind that kids everywhere are afraid to go into the laundry room for fear they might encounter the creepster rubbing up against the dirty socks.  Who knows what that shady little fuck is up to while he’s supposed to be checking the softness of our freshly cleaned clothes….

So we here at The Nest would like to give a warm and fuzzy salute to Snuggle fabric softener for instilling fear into the minds of people everywhere while somehow still getting our underwear soft enough to not chafe.  Snuggle Bear might be more fit for a cheesy 80’s horror film, but he’s softened our hearts the same way he’s made those bath towels that were used to clean up all the blood in the shower fluff up to new heights.  That dastardly little ursine is going to end up killing us all, but at least we’ll feel all cuddly and snuggly soft while we await the grisly way Snuggle Monster is going to set up for the final spin cycle….

Giddyup, Rainbow Ass!!!  To the laundromat, and make it snappy before I use to you clue my eyes back on!!!

Giddyup, Rainbow Ass!!! Off to the laundromat, and make it snappy before I use you to glue my eyes back on!!!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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43 Responses to Soft And Creepy

  1. merbear74 says:

    “It’s time to add the dryer sheets….. BITCH!”

    You owe me one bowl of vanilla rice chex. It came out of my nose. By the way, Snuggle is adorable and can do my laundry anytime.

  2. merbear74 says:

    And the perverted Snuggly bear….what a raunchy little stuffy.

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    If you want disturbing, see if you can find Robot Chicken’s spoof of the Snuggle Bear. Turns the tables around on that perverted fluffy that wants to roll around in my unmentionables.

  4. acuriousgal says:

    I going to have nightmares now of both the menacing snuggle and pervy snuggle!!! My mom used these sheets all through the 80’s…..oh the humanity!!!!

  5. Christie1111 says:

    OMG ES! Too funny! I love Snuggle riding Rainbow Donkey! You would have been so creeped out to work here. They put one on everyone’s desks at one point. So everywhere you turned, there would have been a Snuggle Bear to greet you. BWAHAHA!

  6. Christie1111 says:

    Oh, and thanks for another view of the quilt.

  7. Mental Mama says:

    Holy buckets, this was so very disturbing…

  8. The Cutter says:

    But sweetie, we’ve got to wash your blankie. It’s dirty! Noooo! Bear will eat it!!!

  9. Tranny Snuggly hahahahaha
    Loved it!
    Snuglly always looked like Pedobear to me

    • Damn, I wish I knew Pedobear was a wider known phenomenon before I just went and and looked, or I’d have definitely made that connection in the post! Yeah, the perverted little fuck might be kinky, but he does damn good laundry….

  10. Twindaddy says:

    That stupid bear got on my damn nerves.

  11. Juliette says:

    I thought I was the only one who thought that bear was creepy (and it takes a lot for something to be creepy to me.) You know what it is really like, it is like one of those little kids who shows up at a party or other gathering and acts like a grown up. You know the kid all the grown-ups love to brag over because he is so smart and cute… but as soon as your turn your back he is telling the other kids how superior he is and being a total back stabbing turd nugget. And by the end of the night he is the only kid who isn’t in trouble. That bear reminds me of that kid.

    • Good comparison!

      Snuggle Bear should be the bear they give you for stress relief, with the detatchible arms and head. Who wouldn’t want to take out their aggression on that snotnose little twerp?

  12. C.K. Hope says:

    Well, thanks to rabid snuggles I won’t be able to sleep tonight. And poor Rainbow Donkey, the look in his eyes is pure terror with that creepy-assed bear on his back.

  13. eww! I too thought I was only one who thought the bear was creepy! I hope Rainbow donkey turns around and nips him!

  14. ksbeth says:

    that bear has always freaked me out!

  15. 1jaded1 says:

    Time to put your intestines through the rinse cycle…bwahahahaha…creep bear…sniffing through the laundry. Ick!

  16. draliman says:

    Fortunately you can’t get it in the UK (at least I’ve never seen it) – according to Wikipedia it’s sold in the US and Canada.
    The Wiki also told me that the bear was created by someone calling himself “Kermit Love”. I think that says it all, really.

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