Scene: It’s noon on Tuesday at a bar that faces a giant car wash. A rabbit walks in to the nearly empty watering hole and has a seat at the bar…
RABBIT: Bartender! I need a shot of whiskey!
RABBIT: Bah, it’s been another one of those shitty days.
BARTENDER: (Spit shines a glass and pours a shot for the Rabbit) Well, go ahead and spill your guts. I ain’t got nothing better to do than listen to your hare-brained problems.
RABBIT: It’s those kids. Those lousy….. no good….. KIDS! They never let me have any of their Trix!
BARTENDER: Is that’s all that’s bothering you?
RABBIT: They’ve been cereal blackballing me for half a fucking century now!!! Here’s just one example!
BARTENDER: You gotta admit, Rabbit, that was a pathetic disguise…
RABBIT: Why should I even have to wear a disguise!?!? What do kids have against cute little rabbits like myself?
BARTENDER: Now come on, you know as well as I do that all the old cereal commercials were full of assholes! Fred Flintstone, that Sugar Smacks frog, Snap…
RABBIT: Snap? How was he an asshole?
BARTENDER: Come on, you know he always bullied that douchebag Pop around. Why do you think it’s not Pop Crackle Snap?
RABBIT: It’s not fair, though! If I snapped on those kids and bit one of them to take their Trix, they’d call Animal Control and have my brain dissected for rabies. There has to be some way to get those Trix I crave!
BARTENDER: Well, you could always buy your own box at the grocery store instead of drinking all your money up like you’ve been doing for years.
RABBIT: That’s against the rules of cereal advertising. I can only plead for handouts. It’s in the Cereal Mascot Actors Guild bylaws on the side of the box.
BARTENDER: OK, I tell you what, Rabbit. There’s this weird guy who comes in around this time every day. He’s got a problem of his own, and I think it might do you some good to talk to him. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the back and shoo the possums away from the vodka…
RABBIT: But how will I know who….
BARTENDER: You’ll know him when he walks in….
The Rabbit fiddles around with his empty shot glass, contemplating whether he should have asked for another shot before the Bartender left when all of a sudden he’s shaken from his deep thoughts by a raving lunatic….
RABBIT: What the fu….
SONNY: (Leaps onto the stool next to the Rabbit, then grabs ahold of him screaming) I’M CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!!!!! But I’ll never be tempted by them in here!
RABBIT: What’s your major malfunction, numbnuts?
SONNY: I go crazy every time I think of that munchy, crunchy, chocolatey cereal that is also part of a nutritious breakfast!
RABBIT: I’d be embarrassed to be associated with a cereal that became a slang term for a black man’s testicles.
SONNY: Embarrassment is the least of my concerns given the way I act when I see Cocoa Puffs. In fact, kids love to see me act like a complete spaz! No matter how I try to hide from that insanely delicious taste, they find a way to force the cereal on me and make me go bonkers!
RABBIT: You mean they make you eat the cereal you love!?!?
SONNY: They sure do! Check this out!
RABBIT: I’ll be a son of a bitch! Kids won’t let me have a single bite of the Trix I crave!
SONNY: Oh, I’d give anything to be in your shoes…. er, rabbit’s feet. I can’t take the breakdowns anymore!
RABBIT: Well, like the bartender said, kids in cereal commercials are flat out assholes. The problem is the way you try to hide from any exposure to your chocolate puffballs so you don’t flip out. The kids are gonna exploit that for all its worth.
SONNY: You think I’m just being used?
RABBIT: Sure. You’re like the special education kid in junior high who seemed to exist only for the amusement of the other kids. Start acting like you actually want the Cocoa Puffs, and I guarantee you those little pricks won’t be so forthcoming with the cereal anymore.
SONNY: Heeeeeey, I just might try that! Thanks a lot, Rabbit!
RABBIT: I’m glad someone’s problem’s been solved…
SONNY: Maybe you should cut out the whiny act and start ignoring the kids, and maybe you’ll get that fruity delicious cereal you rave about, but obviously have never gotten to taste before.
RABBIT: Whiny? What!?!?
SONNY: Come on, Silly Rabbit! You cry and pout like a little girl when the kids won’t share their Trix with you. Grow a pair of Cocoa Puffs! If you ignore the kids when they tease you with their cereal, that’ll piss them off in a hurry and you can bet they’ll chase you down and be forcefeeding lemony and orangey goodness down your little rabbit gullet.
RABBIT: I guess you’re right.
SONNY: Of course I’m right! All it takes is a little self control, and…
Two kids peek in through the door.
KIDS: Ohhhhhhh, Sonny! Want some puff puff Cocoa Puffs?
SONNY: (Starts sweating profusely) Uh oh!
RABBIT: Hey! Where’s your self control, buddy?
KIDS: (Wag bowl of Cocoa Puffs back and forth) Chocolate tasting Cocoa Puffs!!!
SONNY: (Begins to flood the floor with saliva)
RABBIT: (Grabs Sonny’s arm) Stay calm. I’ll get you a shot, or a Dos Equis…
KIDS: Munchy crunchy chocolatey!!!!!!
SONNY: YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!!!!!!!!!
RABBIT: Sigh…. Silly Cuckoo. BARTENDER! I’ll take another whiskey… and pour it in a bowl of Trix, dammit!