For The Birds

squirrel birdfeeder

random rantIf you have been following my blog for any significant amount of time, and gazed upon my posts, comics, and drawings that have celebrated the little critters in our world, you might get the impression that I am an animal lover.  Well… I am to an extent.  I’m not the kind of person who is going to be found volunteering at an animal shelter, or hanging around the inhuman lunatics who belong to PETA (Which stands for People Eating Tasty Animals)… but I do have two cats, I love dogs, I feed and photograph my squirrels, I even  praise raccoons and possums and skunks (oh my!)… I am certainly a bit of a furry little rascal lover.

Anyone who doesn't love us is going to hell in this handbasket!

Anyone who doesn’t love us is going to hell in this handbasket!

My big, warm, fuzzy heart however certainly has its limits.  In fact, there are even some animals in particular I actually loathe.  Meet my public enemy #1:

The squirrel is smart to cling for dear life to that tree from the surprise air raid...

The squirrel is smart to cling for dear life to that tree from the surprise air raid…

I hate birds.

No… I fucking hate birds.

They could all fall out the sky right now, and I would be perfectly content.

Don't open your mouth!

And if they did, it’d be worse than a damn hailstorm…

Both of those pictures above were taken from the same window in my computer room.  I get swarms of birds around here…. ugly, nasty, noisy, wretched starlings by the bucketful…

Finger lickin' good..... not.

Finger lickin’ good….. not.

Tell me… which animal in this picture looks cuter to you?

Watch out Mr. Squirrel.. or you might get pecked to death by that monster!

Watch out Mr. Squirrel.. or you might get pecked to death by that monster!

Now that’s not to say there aren’t any pretty birds out there, but avians like this fellow here are the exceptions to the rule in these parts..

I'm not enjoying this post... not one bit!

I’m not enjoying this post… not one bit!

You know what else birds are good for….?

I hope the defogger will take care of this....

I hope the defogger will take care of this….

Can you remember the last time a squirrel shit on your car?  Yeah, they frolic above us just like the birds do… but they can do their business in a proper place.  Birds will just unload wherever they darn well please, thank you very much…

Birds could at least travel with their own facilities...

Birds could at least travel with their own facilities…

You know what really pisses me off about the birds though?  The favoritism they have somehow earned from the public.  We have an entire counter at Mecca dedicated to outdoor wildlife feeding.  You will find a wide array of seed to feed every kind of winged beast out there from a hummingbird to a damn dodo.  Oh…. and at the very end of the counter, you’ll find a couple options for feeding squirrels.  It’s like the sliver of a squirrel food section was added to the shelf as an afterthought…

So I'm an afterthough, huh?  We'll see how much people ignore me when I knock out all of your power during the Super Bowl...

So I’m an afterthought, huh? We’ll see how much people ignore me when I knock out all of your power during the Super Bowl…

Rather than spend precious brainpower figuring out ways to achieve world peace or create a car that runs off of urine, our most ambitious inventors out there are instead wasting far too much time and money trying to concoct the perfect squirrel-proof birdfeeder.  Who in the hell does the birdfeeding club think they are anyway not wanting to share the wealth with a few hungry squirrels?  Birds are just as capable of finding their own dinner as the rodents are.  I don’t care if a bird decides to take a few pecks of the corn cobs I put out for my squirrels… and I guess it’s a good thing since you never see anyone trying to invent a birdproof squirrel feeder…

Mr. Einstein... we're impressed by all the effort you went into designing this new feeder... but here in America, we kinda despise squirrels.  Why don't you invent something more practical, like an atomic weapon...?

Mr. Einstein… we’re impressed by all the effort you went into designing this new birdproof squirrel feeder… but here in America, we kinda despise squirrels. Why don’t you invent something a little more practical and useful, like an atomic weapon of mass destruction…?

Yes, it’s considered perfectly fine and dandy to maintain a birdfeeder in your yard.  Just try telling someone you feed the squirrels.  That’ll certainly draw an uncomfortable reaction, and probably a call to the NSA to keep tabs on your suspicious activity.  Why does this double standard exist with birds and squirrels?  Do the birds merely have a more powerful lobby in Washington, DC than the squirrels do?

The Squirrel Deportation Bill has passed the House 434-1.  Security, please find who cast the one dissenting vote and send them to Guantanamo Bay...

The Squirrel Deportation Bill has passed the House 434-1. Security, please find who cast the one dissenting vote and send them to Guantanamo Bay…

This is all the more reason to take advantage of Squirrel Appreciation Day this Tuesday to rally around those poor, unfortunate squirrels who are the victims of this blatant discrimination on the part of our American culture.  The long history of speciesism that has made birds the elite, privileged class while oppressing our unlucky little furball neighbors must come to an end, and all backyard wildlife must be treated equally!  Let’s make squirrel appreciation something to be proud of, and not something to hide from your family and friends in shame….

Where did you get this squirrel corn, son???

Where did you get this squirrel corn, son???

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Random Rants and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to For The Birds

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I feed squirrels! I fill the bird feeder *ducks and runs*

    Just kidding. Cardinals are all over the place here. We have a big tree in front of our apartment and the cats window stalk them, Blue Jays and ugly brown birds all day.

    The squirrels at work are cute but aggressive. They are used to students feeding them and think human=vending machine.

    • A vending machine you don’t have to put any money in. I don’t think mine have ever figured out how that corn cob on the tree magically resprouts every few days… either that, or they are a bit ungrateful…

  2. Mental Mama says:

    Squirrels are adorable (see my collection at work, oh wait, I haven’t photographed and posted that – oops) – but they will also crap on stuff you really don’t want them to. Our bird feeders are on the porch – hung from shepherd’s hooks – and the one is loose in it’s hole to the point where the squirrels can swing it in when they wish to dine. That’s fine, they deserve noms as well – but they piss and shit on the hand rail. Nasty little tree rats.

  3. reocochran says:

    The critters are adorable and so glad I can honestly say this, I don’t want to be heading downward in the after life! Ha ha!!

  4. HaHa! Fine and dandy link had me bordering on hysterical! :-D.
    On a serious note your post was hilariously accurate also. 😦 with laughter.

  5. 1jaded1 says:

    It can become downrigjt scary to see a bird and squirrel fight for food.

  6. draliman says:

    Ugh, not that picture of the ugly-ass possums again. I’ll go sit in the basket now and wait to be pulled down to the fiery underworld 🙂
    I’m sure they’re all screeching “braaaaaiiiins”.

  7. merbear74 says:

    I hate birds too! I have been shit on by a bird 4 times in my life.

    • C.K. Hope says:

      My Grt. Grandmother told me being shit on by a bird was good luck and I should stop hopping around screaming “EW!” and gagging and appreciate the gift of luck.

      Honestly, I think she was full of shit and just wanted me to shut up 😉

    • Ick!

      We had a home video of one of my sisters getting pooped on by a bird once. She didn’t even realize it had happened until we went back inside to watch the tape and caught the doodoo dropping onto her shoulder!

  8. C.K. Hope says:

    I feed the squirrels, and I feed the chipmunks. The birds I only feed when the bear is hibernating, because I DON’T feed the bears 😉

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