If you have been following my blog for any significant amount of time, and gazed upon my posts, comics, and drawings that have celebrated the little critters in our world, you might get the impression that I am an animal lover. Well… I am to an extent. I’m not the kind of person who is going to be found volunteering at an animal shelter, or hanging around the inhuman lunatics who belong to PETA (Which stands for People Eating Tasty Animals)… but I do have two cats, I love dogs, I feed and photograph my squirrels, I even praise raccoons and possums and skunks (oh my!)… I am certainly a bit of a furry little rascal lover.
My big, warm, fuzzy heart however certainly has its limits. In fact, there are even some animals in particular I actually loathe. Meet my public enemy #1:
I hate birds.
No… I fucking hate birds.
They could all fall out the sky right now, and I would be perfectly content.
Both of those pictures above were taken from the same window in my computer room. I get swarms of birds around here…. ugly, nasty, noisy, wretched starlings by the bucketful…
Tell me… which animal in this picture looks cuter to you?
Now that’s not to say there aren’t any pretty birds out there, but avians like this fellow here are the exceptions to the rule in these parts..
You know what else birds are good for….?
Can you remember the last time a squirrel shit on your car? Yeah, they frolic above us just like the birds do… but they can do their business in a proper place. Birds will just unload wherever they darn well please, thank you very much…
You know what really pisses me off about the birds though? The favoritism they have somehow earned from the public. We have an entire counter at Mecca dedicated to outdoor wildlife feeding. You will find a wide array of seed to feed every kind of winged beast out there from a hummingbird to a damn dodo. Oh…. and at the very end of the counter, you’ll find a couple options for feeding squirrels. It’s like the sliver of a squirrel food section was added to the shelf as an afterthought…
Rather than spend precious brainpower figuring out ways to achieve world peace or create a car that runs off of urine, our most ambitious inventors out there are instead wasting far too much time and money trying to concoct the perfect squirrel-proof birdfeeder. Who in the hell does the birdfeeding club think they are anyway not wanting to share the wealth with a few hungry squirrels? Birds are just as capable of finding their own dinner as the rodents are. I don’t care if a bird decides to take a few pecks of the corn cobs I put out for my squirrels… and I guess it’s a good thing since you never see anyone trying to invent a birdproof squirrel feeder…
Yes, it’s considered perfectly fine and dandy to maintain a birdfeeder in your yard. Just try telling someone you feed the squirrels. That’ll certainly draw an uncomfortable reaction, and probably a call to the NSA to keep tabs on your suspicious activity. Why does this double standard exist with birds and squirrels? Do the birds merely have a more powerful lobby in Washington, DC than the squirrels do?
This is all the more reason to take advantage of Squirrel Appreciation Day this Tuesday to rally around those poor, unfortunate squirrels who are the victims of this blatant discrimination on the part of our American culture. The long history of speciesism that has made birds the elite, privileged class while oppressing our unlucky little furball neighbors must come to an end, and all backyard wildlife must be treated equally! Let’s make squirrel appreciation something to be proud of, and not something to hide from your family and friends in shame….