Out The Wazoo

It's a bitch, squirrel.

We’re just five days away from the most overrated spectacle humans have ever invented.  Super Bowl Sunday has practically become a secular holiday in America, bringing people of all walks of life together for unhealthy parties, pregame analysis overload, overproduced commercials, and…… um, oh yeah.  Some might even pay attention to the game on the field.

It's dog eat dog out there, and the fans are all waiting for you to call a timeout so they can see the next Bud Light ad...

It’s dog eat dog out there, and the fans are all waiting for you to call a timeout so they can see the next Bud Light ad…

tuesday tvDid I mention overproduced commercials?  I’m on record numerous times on this blog complaining about the hype that goes into the Super Bowl ads each year.  I am a commercial connoisseur who can appreciate an ad that is clever, funny, and even warped.  Alas, those kind of commercials have been few and far between for a while on Super Bowl Sundays.  How can this be when advertisers now target Super Bowl Sunday for their best ads that will get people talking and be well worth the obscene amount of money it costs to buy precious Super Bowl space?

Is that Abe Vigoda?  I thought he died 40 years ago!

Is that Abe Vigoda? I thought he died 40 years ago!

The problem is that they try too hard.  Good ads, the ones that stand the test of time, aren’t carefully crafted and test marketed and polished and overwrought with celebrities of all status.  It’s just a good idea that is thrown out there and happens to resonate with the people when they least expect it to.  We come in to the Super Bowl expecting to see ads that will blow us away… and while that works for many people out there (See: Summer Blockbuster Movie), I want my hilarity and adorable quirkiness in a more everyman and unexpected form.  Most of the ads I feature here that I fondly remember weren’t trying to win Clio Awards or compete for the honor of being the best commercial to air during the most watched television event of the year when they were developed.  They were just made, and turned out to be memorable…

Accidental brilliance is brilliant in itself.

Accidental brilliance is brilliant in itself.

With all that said, I am going to honor what is by far not only my favorite Super Bowl ad of all time, but what might very well be the funniest and most cleverly written commercial in the history of words from our sponsor.  This ad was for one of the many dotcom sites that around the turn of the millennium was vying for consumer dollars that at that time were still largely being spent off the budding internet.  This commercial first aired during Super Bowl XXXIV on January 30, 2000…

I can watch this commercial a million times and still laugh every single time I see it.  It’s just so unexpected, and surreal… and the acting is spot on… played straight up serious and deadpan!

These doctors have probably seen patients come in with possums up their rectum... but nothing can prepare you for seeing money coming out the wazoo...

These doctors have probably seen patients come in with possums up their rectum… but nothing can prepare you for seeing money coming out the wazoo…

While the ad is supposed to highlight E*Trade’s low commission policy as a superior alternative for those who aren’t well off enough to afford the high fees of more established brokers, one can’t help but notice it’s also a nice satire on the state of the health care industry as well.  After all, as soon as the one doctor is informed that they have a patient with money coming out of the wazoo, he instantly skips the normal 20 hour ER wait and gets transferred to a private room.

Out of the way, lowlifes!  This nurse absolutely makes this commercial!

Out of the way, lowlifes! This nurse absolutely makes this commercial!

And of course, when the man’s wife is asked if he has health insurance, the doctor overhears and says, “Insurance?  He’s got money coming out of the wazoo!”  For those who want to complain about Obamacare, you can blame this ad for bringing to light this horrible healthcare injustice that existed between those with money coming out of the wazoo, and those who only have poopoo and corn coming out of the wazoo….

Who clogged up the john with all of these silver dollars?

Who clogged up the john with all of these silver dollars?

This commercial is such a classic, that I can even forgive E*Trade for the later travesty that was that #&@* #@&* @#^&* annoying baby…

Don't hate me because I'm cute, Baby Squirrel!

Don’t hate me because I’m cute, Baby Squirrel!

So, whether you’re looking forward to the game, the ads, or just the booze… we here at The Nest would like to wish everyone a happy and prosperous Super Bowl Sunday, or whatever other sports holiday you choose to observe.  While everyone is pondering whether Peyton Manning will match his sucky brother’s championship ring collection, whether Richard Sherman will be able to keep his mouth shut, or how hilarious it will be when the Super Bowl has to be played in a blizzard… I will be thinking of more important issues, like what will the logo for Super Bowl 88 played in 2054 look like?

How did the Romans put up with this?

How did the Romans put up with this?


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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23 Responses to Out The Wazoo

  1. PigLove says:

    Dad loves to watch the Super Bowl. Mom likes to watch the commercials. But I like to watch Puppy Bowl. That’s where the money should be my friend. The best entertainment. Gee – I hope they bring back the hedgehog cheerleaders this year. Squeal. XOXO- Bacon

  2. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I forgot about that commercial. Yes, I would rather see that again than those babies talking in their weird-not-cute grown-up voices.

    The DMV tried to pull a person’s license plate a few months after this commercial first aired. It was “OTDWAZU” or something like that and he had it for years before. I guess people got offended seeing that after the commercial.

  3. Mental Mama says:

    I have never understood the appeal of professional sports – regardless of the sport. The only reason I’ve ever watched the super bowl is for the commercials, and in recent years they’ve sucked. The last one I actually liked was a few years back and had something to do with herding cats.

    • I think the cat herder commercial was about 10 or so years ago. I can’t remember what it was for off the bat, but I think it was another of those dotcom companies. Anyone tuning in for just the ads is going to be mighty disappointed, especially since half of them have already been “leaked” out onto the internet….

  4. Twindaddy says:

    Superbowl commercials have gotten insanely lame in recent years. I’d be embarrassed to be one of the companies paying millions of dollars to roll out a 30 second piece of shit.

  5. That was fun! Don’t forget the toxic cute Kitten Bowl! http://www.hallmarkchannel.com/kittenbowl
    My favorite is still the 1884 Apple commercial for the new Macintosh computer. Holy Crap – even I was surprised by that one. And 30 years later I’m still using a Mac.

    • I don’t think I’ve ever watched at ad before. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Mac before… but thank you for bringing Macs up though, because it gave me another future idea for one of my favorite (recently) old commercial series!

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    Meh. I love football. I hate the superbowl…and it isn’t just sour grapes. You post was funny and as always, spot.on.

  7. gentlestitches says:

    I hope your team wins! 🙂 It would be useful to have wazoo money! I wonder is one would have to launder it first?

  8. draliman says:

    I’m sure one can watch the Superbowl over here if one has “satellite” or “cable” TV but American football just seems to be huge blokes in body armour running at each other and knocking each other over 🙂 [braces himself for possible backlash]. It’s probably on in the wee small hours as well, GMT. I’ll sure miss those expensive adverts, though!
    Not that there’s any such thing as cable TV within about 50 miles of where I live.

    • Ha, and they like to tell us the Super Bowl is watched by billions all over the world! I knew it! More media propaganda! 🙂

      • draliman says:

        I think American Football has the same sort of popularity over here as rugby is gaining over there (rugby is a lot like American Football but without the body armour and you can only chuck the ball backwards).
        American Football is not played in schools but there is a league, I think.

  9. reocochran says:

    I happen to love Abe Vigoda and he is funny in the Snickers commercials. You may not have seen him in them, check it out on youtube or something! But the whole post is tongue in cheek, funny as always and you make me laugh more than any other blogger! Thanks! Robin

  10. I love that commercial! I wish I had money coming out a wazoo, or well, anywhere.

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