Good morning everyone. In a scientific effort to discover the effects of dangerous drugs on our arboreal neighbors, today we have secretly coated this squirrel’s tree branch with a special mixed coating of marijuana, cocaine, LSD, and methamphetamines. Let’s see the subject’s reaction upon the ingestion of this Charlie Sheen cocktail….
Within several minutes of these chemical compounds swirling around in the squirrel’s stomach, our subject appears to have achieved a super-heightened sense of awareness to his surroundings. His eyes are alert to the slightest variations in color, his ears are sensitive to the faintest of heartbeats around him, his body is in an excited state of jittery motion that is ready to burst into an energy supernova, and his tail is beginning to fade away like a photograph in Back to the Future. No predator stands a chance of sneaking up on our guinea pig for a quick meal at this moment in time.
After five minutes in a hyperstimulated state, more visible changes become apparent in our subject. He seems to be calling out to critters that can be found only in his vivid imagination, as the effects of the drugs are causing the neural connections in his puny brain to go haywire. His supersciurine sight is now starting to wear down, as he and his surroundings start to get fuzzy… further blurring the lines between the reality we can perceive, and the world our subject’s chemically intoxicated mind is beginning to fabricate for him.
Within 15 minutes of the drugs entering the squirrel’s bloodstream, he no longer has any fucking idea whether he’s coming or going.
The results of our experiment offers up only one conclusion: Don’t offer your squirrel any drugs from your personal collection. Remember, a sober squirrel is a happy squirrel… and a happy squirrel acts like they’re already on drugs.
Disclaimer: No squirrels were harmed in the production of this week’s Saturday Squirrel feature.