A Beer Run Fail

It doesn't get any better than this!

Tis the season to get wasted!  Fa-la-la-la-la hic-hic-la-la!

The holidays have a way of bringing out the best in everyone!  Everyone is a little more cheerful, everyone is a little more friendly, everyone just seems to have the Christmas squirrelsinnewsspirit oozing out of every orifice of their body.

But for some people, the stress the holiday season can bring can have just the opposite effect.  Some people are just born misanthropes, and when you bring alcohol into the equation… or better yet, a lack of alcohol into the equation, they can be spurred to do things that not would get them put on the naughty list, but maybe fitted for a brand new straightjacket…

quiet riot

Happy holidays from the padded room!

Take this heartwarming story that took place on a peaceful Christmas Eve evening in North Charleston, South Carolina.  What was to be a beautiful trailer park Christmas with plenty of booze and mistletoe turned violent when a man returned home that evening without any beer due to all of the local stores closing early for the holiday. The man’s wife was furious that she wouldn’t get to celebrate the season by indulging in some quality American brew…

It doesn't get any better than this...

It doesn’t get any better than this…

Upset that her husband failed to bring home the hooch, the woman did what any sane, rational person would do when faced with the crisis of having to spend Christmas Eve sober.  She picked up a ceramic squirrel and proceeded to beat and stab the everloving shit out of her thoughtless husband.

REEEEK!  REEEEK!  REEEEK!  REEEEK!!!

REEEEK! REEEEK! REEEEK! REEEEK!!!

The man luckily survived his squirrel beatdown, and the woman was arrested and charged with criminal domestic violence.  I don’t know if there are any additional laws about using squirrels as weapons of mass destruction, but for this senseless act of sciurine aided violence, I hope they throw the book at her!

Folks, take it from us here at The Nest… squirrels are peaceful, fun loving creatures who would never believe in harming anyone.  Please, the next time your significant other forgets to bring home the liquor, don’t take it out on them by beating them to a bloody pulp with a squirrel.  Use this instead….

Dispatch, this is Officer Johnson.  We have a man down who was impaled by a possum.  Please send backup, and a photog.

Dispatch, this is Officer Johnson. We have a man down who was impaled by a possum. Please send backup, and a photog.

Advertisement

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrels In The News and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to A Beer Run Fail

  1. goldfish says:

    I totally want that ceramic possum.

  2. merbear74 says:

    That is the most horrendous thing I have ever seen. 😀

  3. Pingback: A Beer Run Fail | West Coast Review

  4. reocochran says:

    Funny, yes, some things may drive a person to distraction or even killing! Hope you have a wonderful and ‘spirited’ New Year’s Eve! Take care, Robin

  5. W O W!!!(hanging my head in shame…because I might react that way if you told me there was no chocolate…just kidding)

  6. Oh America, you never disappoint! Love that possum, but I love those critters except when the Gs decide to bark at them at 3 am.

  7. Ha! I have to play Devil’s Advocate here… If they were headed to her in-laws for holiday hoopla that evening (and her in-laws are anything like mine)… I find the defendant acted reasonably and therefore not guilty. Just saying… 😉

    Wishing you a Happy & Healthy New Year Evil Squirrel!!

  8. gentlestitches says:

    HaHa!! That is right up there with your story of the bloke who tried to cook his deceased squirrel or possum with a blow torch and set the whole neighborhood on fire!!! Gorgeous ceramic possum!!

  9. draliman says:

    Wow, death (almost) by squirrel.
    I wonder if the jury will keep a straight face when the attempted murder weapon is displayed inside its little evidence bag.

    • Prosecutor: Your Honor, I would like to submit State’s Exhibit 69, the attempted murder weapon.

      Judge: Awwwww, that’s so cute! I want to take it home!

      Prosecutor: Your Honor! This is very important evidence!

      Judge: You are out of order and in contempt! Bailiff, take the prosecutor to jail, and bring me that squirrel!

  10. Twindaddy says:

    I wonder how people this dumb survive.

  11. The Cutter says:

    I think anyone who is married has at least one thing that they could see setting them off into a violent rage. For me, it’s the proper loading of the dishwasher. I guess that’s why I don’t keep any ceramic squirrels around.

  12. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Screw knitting, I want to take a ceramics class this year and make cool creatures.

    • I’d love to learn how to make those too. I wasn’t very good with Play Doh, though, so I doubt I’d be any good at making ceramic critters…

      • NotAPunkRocker says:

        My mother used to buy the pre-made forms, paint them and then take them to be fired in the kiln. I am sure with some different paints a lot can be done to create some cool critters!

  13. C.K. Hope says:

    I’ve got nothing to say, I’m too busy laughing – which is really wrong but seriously, what the hell? Are they going to add ceramic squirrels to Clue now?

    “It was Professor Plum in the library with a ceramic squirrel!”

    • That would make the game so much better… not to mention points out a major flaw in the movie (which I absolutely adore). Why worry so much about the six weapons Mr. Boddy brought in when ANYTHING in the mansion could have been used as a weapon?

  14. Mental Mama says:

    The insane things idiots will do when deprived of their poison of choice….

  15. Christie1111 says:

    I was sure that it was going to be a frozen squirrel that was meant for a special dinner. 🙂

Jabber Away...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s