One of this weekend’s biggest stories gone viral (You know, they do have immunizations for that) has been brought to my attention by just about everybody on both of my internet communities… which can only mean it features a squirrel. A squirrel who, as you are about to see, is not only a fine representative of its noble species, but a true American hero, and a crusader for common decency and against the digital retardedness that has plagued our society in the second decade of the 21st century.
Here is a link to the story as reported by NBC’s The Today Show. Apparently, 17 year old Brian Genest and his mother were on a college touring trip to Tampa, Florida from their home in beautiful downtown Auburn, Maine. While strolling through a local park, Brian came across a squirrel sitting on the handrail of a wooden walkway, and the squirrel didn’t have the good sense to head for the hills. Most people would have thought, “Aw! What a perfect opportunity to capture a cute Saturday Squirrel picture!”
Unfortunately, Brian was just like most other 17 year olds, and thought this would be the perfect opportunity to get a selfie with the squirrel so that he could be the talk of
Evilbook Facebook. However, no sooner had Brian snapped the shot heard round the internet, that the squirrel decided this human needed to be taught a lesson on how to properly appreciate nature. The squirrel jumped in the poor kid’s shirt and then clung on to his back as he ran away like a little girl. To add insult to injury, Brian’s mother didn’t even bother to come to her baby’s rescue…. no, she just had to get out her own phone to get this great shot:
So, you are probably chalking this up to another case of the Steve Irwin syndrome… a wild animal attacking someone stupid enough to get too close to it. But not me. No, I like to think squirrels have some self respect… and this squirrel was just taking a stand against the ridiculous selfie craze out there. You will never see a squirrel stooping so low as to taking a selfie…
Selfies are one of the most ignorant byproducts of the two absolute worst inventions of the new millennium…. camera phones and Facebook. Back in the good old days, if you wanted to show off to the world how vain you were, you had to fly your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia to see the total eclipse of the sun. Now, kids and immature adults alike can whip out the ol’ smartphone, hold it out at arm’s length, and aim it at their ugly face to get a snapshot that can almost instantly be shared with their “friends” on Facebook so they can pretend to Like it, just as they also were forced to enjoy your dinner you had at Burger King the night before. Or then there are the mirror selfies, where amateur sluts of all ages and genders can let all of cyberspace know how hot they seem to think they are… probably before they’ve even washed their hands after using the restroom.
Let us hope that not only did Brian learn his lesson that maybe college might not be such a great idea at this point in his life, but that all of us have gained the important knowledge that this sciurine warrior has taught us…. selfies are stupid. Put away the phone, back away from the social media, and just enjoy nature for what it is… beautiful, free, wild, and of course, hungry for your nuts should you get all up in their grill.
Let’s sum it up, shall we?