Prepare To Qualify

Excuse me, but do any of you fellow drivers know anything about opera?

Excuse me, but do any of you fellow drivers know anything about opera?

I must be the only person on this earth who can take a week off of work and have it seem like an eternity.  I swear, the past 9 days have simply dragged out like you wouldn’t believe… and it seems like it’s been months since I posted the most recent installment of my Millionaire Journey series.  Heck, even I have to go back and see where I left off!

You had just gotten the callback, dumbass!

You had just gotten the callback, dumbass!

Ah yes, the good news.  I will in fact get to be a contestant on a future episode of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire!  After waiting 5 weeks between the audition and the callback, now I get to wait ANOTHER five weeks between the callback and the taping.  Sheesh, what am I going to do with all of that time?

If it weren't the Year 2000... I'd probably spend it listening to horrible wonderful music on YouTube.

If it weren’t the year 2000… I’d probably spend it listening to horrible wonderful music on YouTube.

To me, this was almost like having a term paper assigned in class.  Despite the fact that I was usually given a couple of months to prepare it, I’d always wait until the night before it was due to actually do the quickie research, then type up something that made it look like I knew what I was talking about.  You may haven noticed in reading my blog posts here that I do have somewhat of a knack for bullshit making myself look fucking brilliant.

Thanks Mrs. Pruneface for helping to make me a better blogger.

Thanks Mrs. Pruneface for helping to make me a better blogger.

But I didn’t completely blow off all of the time I had to prepare for this once in a lifetime event.  Five weeks advance notice is a very rare gift in the game show world, which gave me plenty of extra time to cram as much excess useless knowledge as I could into my already clogged up brain.  Believe it or not, one of the best outlets of trivia information I had at my disposal was my workplace.  I had already answered a number of questions that had appeared on the show with knowledge I picked up somewhere along the line at Mecca.  So I paid extra attention to the little details on the products, checking out the new books and movies that were coming in, and listening to the repetitive, but still informative Mecca TV that had just been installed in our store that Summer.

The longest continuously burning light bulb has been on since 1901 in the Livermore, CA firehouse.  I learned about it on Mecca TV.  Seriously.

The longest continuously burning light bulb has been on since 1901 in the Livermore, CA firehouse. I learned about it on Mecca TV while I was boning up for my Millionaire appearance. Seriously.

I spent that holiday season at Mecca stocking the Toys department.  I made damn sure to learn as much as I could about all of the hot toys of the year… it’s current pop culture that is always ripe for appearing on the show.  Curious about what the must-have toys for bratty kids in the United States were that year?

Razor Scooters!

Take the helmet off, kid.  You're embarrassing...

Take the helmet off, kid. You’re embarrassing…

Robotic Dogs!

Woof!  Need input!  Woof!

Woof! Need input! Woof!

Pokemon Figurines!

Back when there was still only 151 of these bastards to catch.  Pikachu was #25, and would have made a damn good trivia question.

Back when there was still only 151 of these bastards to catch. Pikachu was #25, and would have made a damn good trivia question.

And of course….

Makes an excellent parting gift.

Makes an excellent parting gift.

2000 was the debut year for the WWTBAM board game.  Yes, you correctly guessed that I was given this for Christmas that year.  And like a lot of other gifts I’ve been given over the years, I never bothered to open the damn thing…

Ah, but this holiday gift I did!

Much better than a book of opinions.

Much better than a book of opinions.

I read just about everything in the World Almanac during the three weeks I had it before it was time to tape.  I even brought it to work with me and read it on lunch breaks.  I was very encouraged when the show that aired on January 14, 2001 (Four days before I was to tape my show) contained not one, but TWO astronomy questions valued at $250,000 that I had literally just learned the night before from the Almanac!

Studying up certainly wasn’t my problem, since I could do that even while I was working or goofing off.  Where I procrastinated was on the real homework I needed to do before I left for The Big Apple, and that’s round up some lifelines!

The answer's NUTS!  General McAuliffe said "NUTS!"

The answer’s NUTS! General McAuliffe said “NUTS!”

All contestants were to come prepared with a list of five people to be on their list of eligible Phone a Friends.  It was one of these people you’d have to turn to at some point in the game when you got a tricky question about what scent of douche Lindsay Lohan uses.  Chances are, someone on your list has probably already slept with her and could give you the correct answer.

Ah, America's sweetheart....

Vinegar and crack, final answer!

Well, my Mom was an easy choice, especially since I already knew her strengths.  She was my go-to for any kind of medical question… and WWTBAM was good for having upper level questions asking what obscure medical terms meant to common folks.  My aunt also made the list, with her bailout specialty being recent literature.  The “Left Behind” series was the big seller at the time, and I was told she had me covered on any question they might ask regarding those books.  I was also referred to a friend of someone my Mom worked with who played a lot of bar trivia.

I'm sorry, that was an incorrect answer.

I’m sorry, that was an incorrect answer.

All of a sudden, it was the day before I was to leave and I still hadn’t filled my other two Phone a Friend slots.  Oh dear, what do I do now?  Where does someone without connections find two more people who might be able to help them answer trivia questions on a moment’s notice?

Sorry, I'd love to help you out, but I have relativity equations to solve tonight.

Sorry, I’d love to help you out, but I have relativity equations to solve tonight.

Oh wait… I have a whole message board full of trivia people at my disposal!  I had no shortage of Horshaks who raised their hand when I asked for some assistance filling my two PaF vacancies.  If there’s one thing you can count on from a community full of trivia people, it’s knowing they will jump at any chance they can get to show off how smart they think they are.

Did you know that possums have a bifurcated penis?

Did you know that possums have a bifurcated penis?

OK, list of phone a friends – check!  Trivial information crammed into tiny brain – check!  Vacation time taken off from work – check!  Unwanted party thrown by my co-workers the last night I worked – check!  Very late arriving travel information from my dear friend Brent in New York – check!  Dad ready to come along as my companion on ABC’s dime – check!

Looks like I’m finally ready to hop that plane for New York City!

Yeah!  Let's get this party started, bitches!

Yeah! Let’s get this party started, bitches!

And you will be traveling along with me!  Beginning next Friday………..

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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30 Responses to Prepare To Qualify

  1. Ooooh! It is getting more exciting each time! Shane and I will discuss the pokemon when he gets home. They still play pokemon you know. Also Shane won a trivia comp at school for being the only one who could list Uncle Donald’s nephews. Isn’t that the first thing parents teach their kids?
    Go go Evil Squirrel!

    • I didn’t even realize Pokemon was something you “played” until one time not too long after this story takes place, I watched my two nephews (Who were probably about 6 and 5 years old at the time) slapping down Pokemon cards and I’m just scratching my head at how they know how to play what seems like such a complicated card game. And it will always be inexcusable for any kid not to know the names of Donald’s nephews!

  2. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Not gonna lie…I was thinking this was going to be about Pole Position.

    I had no idea the amount of prep work involved in an appearance like this.

    Until next time… 🙂

    • I obviously had Pole Position on the brain when I was trying to come up with a catchy title for this segment! I never cared for that game since the few times I played it, I always blew the little car up…

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    You so smart. So much preparation…can’t wait for the next installment….seven days from now.

  4. Twindaddy says:

    You know….I’m not really a violent person at all, but for some reason I’d really like to throatpunch Justin Bieber.

  5. The Cutter says:

    Darn it, I thought this was going to be about Pole Position! Not that this story wasn’t good. But still…

    So why haven’t you played the home version of the game? Is it one of those things where once you’ve done the real thing, there’s no point in doing the imitation? Or are you just not a board game person?

  6. PigLove says:

    YES! Can’t wait to hear the rest of this story. It’s been a while. XOXO – Bacon
    P.S. Darn – I have to admit it as well. I thought we were going drag racing on a video game at the start – snorts.

  7. crimsonowl63 says:

    Can’t wait to hear how this turns out!

  8. Fan- freaking- tastic!! I can’t wait to hear of your success and adventures in the Big Apple! Good luck! :-0

  9. can’t wait to hear more! Please add me to that throatpunch line, what’s my number on thge waiting list? btw: my mom has a speed trap photo, she looks exactly like a drunken Lindsay… think it was worth the 50 bucks :o)

    • I think you are #485,098,342… but don’t worry, the line moves along fast.

      LOL on the photo! They must use the same camera at speed traps that they use to take pictures for drivers licenses…

  10. markbialczak says:

    I am so excited for part 56 next week, ESN!

  11. Mental Mama says:

    I don’t usually take more than a few days off at a time – like no more than a 4 day weekend. I go batshit crazy otherwise.

    • I’m beginning to come around to that way of thinking. Maybe start splitting my time up into 3 and 4 day weekends rather than take them in whole weeks. I’m really too much of a homebody to stay away from work for very long without getting stir crazy or just feeling like shit because I’m vegging out too much…

      • Mental Mama says:

        I’m one of those poor sick bastards that thrives on the routine normally found at work. I always joke with my boss that I’ll never retire, they’ll just end up finding me dead at my keyboard.

  12. draliman says:

    I’m sorry, when I saw the picture of Bieber I was overcome with the urge to kick him in the nuts and quite forgot what this post was about!
    Still, I’m looking forward to “joining” you in NYC next week for the Big Day 🙂

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