Live For Today

More 80's lameness than you could ever hope to handle...

More 80’s lameness than you could ever hope to handle…

tuesday tvFame is fleeting.  Just ask any has-been who was once famous enough to date a supermodel, but these days can’t even find anyone who wants to flirt with them on Zoosk.  One day, you are the idol of the masses, the cream of the celebrity crop, the trending hashtag on Tweeter Twitter.  Then before you can say “Milli Vanilli”, you’ve suddenly found yourself  crashing on people’s couches, pawning off your Best New Artist award, and applying for employment at Mecca.  Nobody wants to put you in the spotlight anymore, and the only people who even remember who you once were are those who enjoy mocking the overbloated celebrity persona you became…

What were we thinking in the 80's???

What were we thinking in the 80’s???

Eventually, though, a random thought will enter someone’s mind… and they’ll wonder, “You know, what ever happened to so-and-so?  He was such a big deal back in the day and had a huge hit song, yet I haven’t heard a thing about him in years!”  Sometimes, this person will be told by the caretakers that he’s special, and put back in his padded cell to continue chewing on the strings of his straightjacket.  But occasionally, that person will find themselves working for VH-1… and that stray shot of nostalgic curiosity will inspire an episode of “Behind the Music.”

Discover Card rammed both of these ideas together in 2000 and gave us this classic commercial featuring a 30 second documentary about the fictional heavy metal band Danger Kitty:

So our fictional heroes Danger Kitty had a heavy metal hit in 1983 with a song called “Love Rocket”…

It's a good bet that A Flock of Seagulls and Wham kept "Love Rocket" off the top of the charts.

It’s a good bet that A Flock of Seagulls and Wham! kept “Love Rocket” off the top of the charts.

Great research work there, Discover Card.  Long haired heavy metal may have been all the rage in Los Angeles in the early 80’s, but it hadn’t exactly gone mainstream yet in 1983.  Here is a list of the Top 100 songs of 1983 according the the magazine that makes the charts, Billboard.  Cruise on down that list and let me know when you get to a hair band.  The only artists who are even close are Loverboy, The Tubes, and solo Sammy Hagar… and they all appear towards the bottom of the countdown…

quiet riot

Apparently Quiet Riot wasn’t mainstream enough for Billboard…

And how shitty of an act must Danger Kitty have been to have already shot their wad tanked and become irrelevant the very next year, especially when the very genre they were involved in was just about to explode onto the national scene?  That’s like having some success as a grunge band in 1990, only to have everyone think you’re ripping off Nirvana when you’re playing the county fair in 1991.  Damn, even Andy Warhol would have admitted they got cheated out of some of their fame time.

Even punk rock squirrels have a longer shelf life than that!

Even punk rock squirrels have a longer shelf life than that!

Perhaps they were just too busy buying “mansions, cars, and the finest women’s clothing” to bother actually going out on tour or recording another fucking album.  Everyone likes to mock the many androgynous musicians of the 80’s, who had no qualms at all about wearing the opposite sex’s clothing back when Mark Knopfler could still call them faggots without everyone thinking he was a homophobe.  Steven Tyler thought they looked like a lady before he bothered getting a good look at himself in the mirror.  And even Buster Poindexter, formerly of the glam rock band The New York Dolls, dedicates the first part of his video for “Hot Hot Hot!” getting a shot in at the posers who copied his style by calling them “heavy mental bands” who “dress in their mother’s clothes”….

Well, now we know where he came up with the song "Hot Hot Hot!"

Well, now we know where he came up with the song “Hot Hot Hot!”

Of course, the real affront to common decency in the Danger Kitty story is that it’s one of those types of scenarios we hear of all the time that make us want to kick some egotistic douchebag right in their Giorgio Armani designed codpiece.  Someone hits it big, comes into a great deal of money, then somehow manages to blow it all and end up in worse financial shape than they started out in within a few years.  How we’d all like a shot at making a million dollars… by golly, we’d make sure to live within our means and sock some of that dough away so we could rest assured we lived comfortably for the rest of our lives!

Like hell we would...

Like hell we would…

But not here in America where we’re all living in a material world.  If we got an instant infusion of big bucks like Danger Kitty did, we’d also buy mansions, cars, and hell, probably even the finest women’s clothing… and I’m obviously not talking about that shit off the rack in Mecca that was made in Bangladesh either.  Look at all of the lottery millionaires who have gone broke once the fortune they suddenly gained was gone and no more checks were due in the mail…

OK, maybe that 24 karat gold litter box was a bad idea...

OK, maybe that 24 karat gold litter box was a bad idea…

Keeping an eye towards the future is not one of humans’ most polished talents.  I loathe the saying, “Well, you can’t take it with you when you die!”… which I hear a lot since I’m a tightwad miser bit frugal.  And while that’s true unless you believe in a religion with some strangely cool version of the afterlife, the fact is that I don’t plan on dying anytime in the immediate future, and as this year is proving to me time and time again, there are going to come rainy days where that money not spent on those high class hookers in the past is going to come in handy.

ES has the squirrels at his feet!

One day you’re gonna wish you hadn’t spent all those acorns on MBRS…

And to have this lesson being presented to us by a credit card company, who make their billions in executives’ bonuses on the concept of keeping people in debt for life, is either a refreshing case of corporate ethics, or a baffling decision by a company who had it’s gimmick flat stripped from them by Capital One a few years later.  Seriously, how many people remember that before Alec Baldwin and Samuel L. Jackson came along that Discover was the original “card that paid you back?”  You got served, Discover…

Get your mothafuckin' card out of my mothafuckin' wallet!

Get your muthafuckin’ card out of my muthafuckin’ wallet!

Every strange concept in this ad all comes together in the end when Discover flaunts the “spending management tools” the company offers to help you better understand just what you are maxing your card out with.  It’s kind of quaint these days to have a company get all excited about its card’s expense tracking, email alerts, and online payment capabilities… but remember, this was the turn of the millennium when the internet was still in the dark ages and we still thought this was cool…

The Hamster Dance is still not as evil as Facebook...

The Hamster Dance is still not as evil as Facebook…

Eat, drink, and be Merby is wise advice to an extent, but tomorrow you may not die after all, and actually have to pay that all important internet bill.  So for offering us a touching public service announcement by exploiting the misery of a made-up hair band, we at The Nest salute the Discover Card for taking the moral high ground when it comes to fiscal responsibility, prudent living, and fashion sense.  We also raise our furry paws in a “Rock On!” gesture for the one and only Danger Kitty, who were played in that commercial by an actual heavy metal cover band based out of LA that now goes by the name Steel Panther.  Oh, and yes, they actually recorded the song that was featured in the ad…. so put on your eyeliner, crank the amps up to eleven, and enjoy that number three hit from 1983, “Love Rocket!”




About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in TV Commercials and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to Live For Today

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Tangent (surprise, right?): have you seen the documentary on the band Anvil?

    • No I haven’t… but thank you for supplying the band’s name without me having to go look it up! The last hurrah of my VH-1 Classic Days featured a lot of promos for that doc of the band that heavy metal forgot (and apparently me as well), and that did come to mind while I was writing this post!

  2. Consider switching to low class hookers, but make sure you have an excellent health plan.

    My husband, who used to be someone, occasionally sees articles that assume he’s dead or demented. This used to happen now and then even while he was still working. He says as long as they spell your name correctly, it’s just free PR.

    • I’ll have to pass on the low class hookers since I’m allergic to penicillin…

      I remember your post about the call asking if Garry was still alive or even still “with it”. It’s good to be remembered, even if people just assume you disappeared off the face of the earth!

  3. Mental Mama says:

    Hamster dance, hamster dance, we should all do the hamster dance!!!

  4. I loved their hairstyle :o) and I’m still a fan of Grace :o) but I agree with you eat,drink,be – that’s a good motto. and I agree a 24 karat gold litter box is a little overdone, gold plated looks good too .

  5. Like! Like! only Like? Where is the LOVE button!! LOL! Great post….especially since I was 70’s/80’s child! Totally agree with the happy hamster. FB be E V I L! bleh! Thanks for the Memories…. 😀

    • Thanks! I will lobby WordPress for a Love button! But since they won’t Freshly Press me, they probably won’t listen to my suggestions either…

      • You need to be Freshly Pressed SOON. Those WP guys are way too serious. They need to stop trying to be so hip and give the people what they want (while listening to The Kinks sing it.)

      • I actually went to the FP page once to read some of the stuff that WP puts up on their pedestal. Let’s just say I almost consider it more of an honor that they haven’t FP’ed me yet… or at the very least, the type of writing they seem to hold in high esteem just isn’t my cup of tea. I am so happy there are people out there (and even vampires!) who do love what is my cup of tea! It makes all the effort I put into these posts feel so much more gratifying!

      • It wasn’t always as bad as it has become. Way back when, WP used to give the award to good writers, funny writers, real artists, unique websites. By the time they gave it to me, it was crap. Kind of took the bloom off the rose. Although that post still gets a lot of hits, I don’t voluntarily display it. It may be the worst piece I ever wrote. Maybe that’s what they were waiting for?

      • LOL! Maybe I should just come up with a bunch of random words one day and see what happens… they might think it is “brilliant” blank verse poetry or something and FP the hell out of it!

      • Don’t laugh. That’s more or less what happened to me!

  6. merbear74 says:

    Eat, drink, and be Merby. LMAO.
    Man, I want my MTV.

  7. I love this post. I laughed out loud then I sang every single song on that list because I know ALL of them by heart (or almost by heart, it has been a while since I’ve heard a lot of them.) I loved the 80’s. Everything was so over the top crazy. The very first rock concert I want to was Sammy Hagar on his Red tour. That was before 1983. OMG he was amazing. I’ve never seen a human with so much energy. Anyway… thanks. Now I’ll just be an old person and go fill up my bird feeder, get my coffee and write a blog post (then I’m going to crank up the music and dance.)

    • Thank you again! You are so kind to me… 🙂 I have to admit, my first go at trying to write this post came off and on for several hours late, late Tuesday night, and I wasn’t in the least bit satisfied with what it was shaping up to be. So I saved the half-finished, half-assed draft, and slept on it for a few hours. When I woke up, I manged to turn that garbage into what you read above… it’s amazing the fresh inspiration you can get from a little nap!

  8. Reblogged this on West Coast Review and commented:
    This (and every other post on this blog) will make you smile and laugh out loud. I guarantee you will love it. And feel free to sing along…

    This post gets a 5 out of 5 stars from West Coast Review. And do yourself a favor and follow Evil Squirrel’s Nest – you can thank me later.

  9. Twindaddy says:

    I’d love to have the means to be fiscally responsible.

  10. draliman says:

    “Danger Kitty” sounds cute. But they don’t look cute. They look dangerous. Am I mixing them up with “Hello Kitty”?

  11. I hadn’t heard of Danger Kitty. Fortunately dementia should set in any day…who am I kidding? That’ll be the one band name I will remember. Crap! 🙂

    • Don’t feel bad about not being able to remember a band that was made up for one commercial. There’s some bands who actually existed before that I don’t remember!

Jabber Away...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s