So I got home from work this morning, made me my usual big “breakfast” full of non-breakfast food, and sat down to check out my blogs I follow.  Now that I actually use WordPress’ Reader, I no longer need to suffer the embarrassment of responding to a post on one of my favorite blogs that’s a week old.  Anyway, the posts this morning seemed like a broken record (Uncle ES, what’s a record???)…. Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day, and um…. something related to Mother’s Day.

So I guess I’d be a complete douchebag if I didn’t create my own post for the occasion…

Someone’s going to get a whoopin’!!!

After all, I have a mother too.  In fact, she even reads my blog on occasion since, unlike my sisters, I don’t have a Facebook account for her to stalk me on.  This blog is her only way of finding out little personal details about my life that I would otherwise not reveal to her…. like the fact that I’m really a squirrel.  She’s so proud of what I do on this blog, that she even likes to show it off to others so they can bask in my jenius.  Just a few weeks ago at the bowling alley, she brought up my blog on her phone and was showing it to my aunt (her sister) and was particularly wanting to show off what an amazing comic strip artist I was.  Naturally, the comic I had up that week that was shown to my aunt and everyone else in the family sitting at our table was this one.  That’s my Mom!  Not afraid in the least to show off to the rest of her family that her son is a huge prevert.  I have no idea what my aunt thought of it since I immediately went up to bowl.  I don’t even think it was my turn….

Prevert? Me???

I embarrass way too easily, so I’m not one of those who buy into the whole bit that parents are entitled to embarrass their kids.  It wasn’t the usual stuff that did it though… the rolling junkheaps we had to ride around in, acting goofy, dressing up like hoosiers.  Heck, everyone in our town did that.  Now fancy stuff…. that I particularly disliked.  So when Mom thought it would be cute to dress all of us kids up for Easter one year when I was 8, and then make damn sure the pictures would still survive thirty years later… that still makes me want to bury my head in a trash can.  That horrific day is still one of only two times I’ve ever worn a noose around my neck tie, and it was absolutely awful.  I really hope you enjoyed that mother….

Someone is going to die for this…

My Mom did teach me a lot of things, though.  The most important being to never, ever, EVER have children of my own.  I really don’t know how she raised five of us on little money while both her and my Dad worked odd shifts, and I’m sure there were plenty of times she wanted to go all Susan Smith on me and my sisters, but she didn’t.  She also passed along her warped sense of humor to me, though I have still never given anyone a gift packed inside of an empty Tampax box like she would entertain us with every Christmas.  She also taught me how to properly love animals through her pet dachshund Dante (who I always call Beast, because that’s what he is), who she thought was the greatest thing in the world and would fiercely protect every time it seemed like he had bitten himself a ticket to the dog pound…. but she would never touch the dog or allow it to jump up on her lap because that would be icky.

No scritches for me!?!?

So happy Mother’s Day, Mom!  Enjoy your special day, and your very own blog post… if you happen to read it.  Thanks for making me who I am, accepting me for what I became.  And since I know I’m still not too big for you to beat my ass, I’ll go ahead and say I love you too….

This is getting too mushy…