Aries

aries odyssey

Welcome to the first post in my Evil Squirrel’s Zodiac series I plan on posting each of the es zodiacfirst 12 Fridays of 2015!  Since astrology is one of the many things that laughs in the face of our Gregorian calendar, the zodiac year begins in March with Aries, which will be the first sign to get The Nest’s patented irreverent treatment!

As you can see from the rather ridiculous looking piece of artwork I made for this post, The Nest’s representative for the sign of Aries is Odyssey… the only one of my characters whose birthday (March 30) falls within the Aries range.  Yes, my characters all have birthdays… the actual birthday of the person whom the character was drawn to represent (as is the case with Ms. Odyssey), or the date of creation for all others.  Surely by now, you’ve read enough of my blog to expect such dorkiness from me…

Here’s the Aries poster I made for my 2010 zodiac project:

aries

Because of year-to-year fluctuations with when the sun enters these fictional areas of space that govern the zodiac, pinning down exact dates for each sign is really not possible… and apparently the governing body for astrologers can’t come to any kind of universal agreement on a general guideline.  So to make things easy on me, I’ll be using the date ranges listed on this website, which is the same one I’ll plagiarize draw upon for each sign’s personality traits.  Not only is that the same resource I used for my original project, but how can you not trust a webpage featuring two “lovers” in the banner who are so fucking stoned out of their mind, that they make Cheech & Chong look like choirboys…

Seriously... look at them!  They don't have any fucking idea what century it is, let alone what their signs are anymore.

Seriously… look at them! They don’t have any fucking idea what century it is, let alone what their signs are anymore.

So along with the arrival of Spring, the swallows, and of course Opening Day, comes Aries from March 21 – April 19.  Aries is represented by the ram, an animal that is a huge butthead likes to butt heads..

Uhhhh, I think our horns are tangled up.

Uhhhh, I think our horns are tangled up.

Aries is one of the zodiac signs that was lucky enough to get a really cool looking symbol.  The symbol for Aries is a line coming up to form a pair of curved horns on either side.

Aries are lovin' it.

Aries are lovin’ it.

Aries is one of the three fire signs of the zodiac, so just to be on the safe side, this post will be watched over by a trusted fire safety expert.

I've got the gasoline nearby if I need it!

I’ve got the gasoline nearby if I need it!

Aries is represented on the human body by the head.  Aries know how to use their noggin.

The official CGI spokesman for Aries.

The official CGI spokesman for Aries.

Well, with some of the basics out of the way, let’s delve into the personality of the typical Aries!

Aries are natural born leaders.  They are extremely independent go getters, who don’t let anything stand in the way of what they want.  Aries are that hyper, Type A personality that all of us introverts would punch in the nose if we weren’t too shy to approach them.

Catbitch!

Catbitch!

Aries are huge crybabies and prone to pitching shit fits.  See what happens when you don’t let Aries get their way…

Aries is fucking pissed.  You better back away if you value your life, Hooly.

Aries is fucking pissed. You better back away if you value your life, Hooly.

Aries are adventurous and impulsive.  This makes them excellent YOLOers as well as the preferred customers of stores full of disposable garbage like Mecca.  Aries does whatever the hell Aries wants to do, and could give a shit less about what the consequences end up being.  Aries should be represented by the honey badger.

Let's go take over the world, Rainbow Donkey!

Let’s go take over the world, Rainbow Donkey!

The stoner astrology site even gives great dating advice for those who seek an Aries.  Aries apparently love to be sucked up to complimented.  The way to an Aries heart is through their ego.  Aries enjoy accumulating followers, which makes them the perfect sign for social media.  Whatever you do, though, never boss an Aries around.  Aries will use their horns to crack your puny skull open if you even think about taking the upper hand with them.

You have angered Aries, foolish possum!

You have angered Aries, foolish possum!

And then there’s this from the Salt N Pepa portion of the Aries page…

Sex With Aries:  The Aries zodiac sign is straightforward, aggressive and adventurous and this is reflected in their approach to sex. Expect it to be physical, quick and rough, they like to dominate and have the upper position.

If you want some good quality entertainment, and are into voyeurism, you can’t beat watching two Aries try getting it on.  It will look like two rabid dogs with full bladders fighting over a fire hydrant, and you can bet that plenty of bodily fluids will be exchanged, though probably not the ones you’re thinking of…

Yes, there will be blood...

Yes, there will be blood…

So, now that we’ve pissed off all of you Aries out there, let’s have a little fun with the sign and find connections to Aries around us!

Aries can be found in shitty American football teams…

The only reason anyone still bothers to watch St. Louis Rams games.

The only reason anyone still bothers to watch St. Louis Rams games.

Someone at Dodge must be an Aries or worship one, since the sign itself was made into a car…

It looks just like every other car did in the early 80's.

It looks just like every other car did in the early 80’s.

And the animal became a truck…

It is not recommended to butt into other cars with your Dodge Ram.

It is not recommended to butt into other cars with your Dodge Ram.

Bam ba lam!  Aries can be found in classic rock and roll!

Aries was quite useful in the olden days for opening tricky castles.

Surrender all your sliders to us, or else!

Surrender all your sliders to us, or else!

And finally, for all of your curly horned rams out there… here is your very own Evil Squirrel horoscope for today:

aries avatar

Today will be your day.  Who am I kidding, every day is always your day.  You will go out into the world and grab it by the wrinkly nutsack.  That’s just how you Aries roll.  Some Aquarius assclown at work will probably try to pass off their task onto your plate.  Boy, they’re never going to see that left hook coming.  Beware of the romantic interests of Gemini… they read this post today and think they know how to win you over with compliments and the promise of a threesome.  While you’ve been busy conquering the world, mildew has been busy conquering your shower walls.  You might want to take some time out from your hectic life to take care of shit like that, or at least go find a Cancer or a Virgo to do it for you… and don’t ask, demand!  You’re a fucking natural born leader after all.  Act like one!  The stars are favorable for going out and buying a new dress or three.  Who cares if you’re a man, nobody laughs at Aries and gets away with it!  Your lucky numbers: 3, 14, 26, 69, 98.6, 8675309.

NO NO NO NO!!!!  This horoscope is not good enough for Aries!!!

NO NO NO NO!!!! This horoscope is not good enough for Aries!!!

Join me next week, when we grab the bull by the horns….

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in The Zodiac and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

35 Responses to Aries

  1. As an Aries who thinks astrology is a total crock of shit, I really enjoyed this.
    I really got a laugh out of the ES horoscope, as Hubby is a Gemini…so I guess I better beware of romance from him 😉

  2. And now, thanks to this post/series I’m probably going to have Weird Al’s “Your Horoscope for Today” stuck in my head every time you do a Zodiac post.

    I hope you follow this up with a similar series for the Lunar/Chinese Zodiac

    • We shall see… I’m much less familiar with that zodiac, with the exception of knowing most of the animals.

      Did you catch my Sandy Awards post I snuck in before the comic yesterday? I think you missed it, and it’s always one of my best posts of the year… and should give you the chance to make another comment or two.

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Ah, the era of the Dodge K-model cars. I had two (Lancer and Shadow) , oxygen sensors and electrical systems failed in both at different times and mileage.

    Ram Jam! Awesome!

  4. Um, Garry is an Aries. “Aries should be represented by the honey badger.” Right you are … but a badger with horns because with all that bad tempered head banging going on, they NEED those horns. When they get old(er), they go from touchy and short-tempered to grumpily short-tempered. Or touchily grumpy. Something along those lines.

  5. 1jaded1 says:

    The local paper should hire you…This made my day already. Love the stoners. See you next week for Taurus.

    • My horoscopes would probably be the best thing in the newspaper… and that’s sad. I’d have to get permission to use the stoner pic, though, because it would be the perfect image to accompany my astrological wisdom!

  6. merbear74 says:

    I spit out my coffee when I read wrinkly nutsack.
    Everyone knows that Leo’s (me) are candid and sensitive. (You can use that. You’re welcome.)

  7. Mental Mama says:

    Yeah, that sounds about right, all except the “sex with two Aries” part. Josh is also an Aries and it ain’t never been like that. But well done, sir, well done.

  8. At some point, please can someone’s lucky number be 3.1415927 (with more decimal places if you feel like being really geeky) and then the following month, maybe the square root of the above? And see if anyone other than me notices… 😉

  9. PigLove says:

    Snorts. Great posting… except for those cheerleaders. Snorts – someone needs to feed them a biscuit or a dozen. I can see their bones – eeww. XOXO – Bacon

  10. I so agree… a pissed aries is dangerous… you better run and hide. No wonder that Mark the Undertaker Calaway is an aries :o)

  11. HaHa! Best astrological article I ever read. It even had Jim Carrey in it. I didn’t know he was an Aries. I am a Libra. I like my chocolate to balance properly in each hand. 😀

    • I just checked, and Carrey’s a Capricorn. I guess I’ll have to remember to use him again when I get to that post waaaaaaay off in the future!

      We shall see what the future holds for Libras in a few short weeks! 😀

  12. Love it! With permission of course, I definitely will be re-blogging evilsquirrel on my new “Thought You Might Like This” blog (I think that’s the name of it)…anyway, “poetry and then some” is soooo serious I needed a place for fun stuff. I featured Vampire Maman today..go take a look see at diannesthingsat.wordpress.com – ….yur in the cue!

    • I’d be honored! I get reblogs on occasion, and I don’t mind! I think I saw your post with your new blog, and when I get caught up on the rest of my reading tonight and tomorrow, I’ll be sure to check it out!

  13. Love it and looking forward to the next one, which is mine – Mwa ha ha! (not that I believe in that crap)! lol

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