Welcome to the first post in my Evil Squirrel’s Zodiac series I plan on posting each of the first 12 Fridays of 2015! Since astrology is one of the many things that laughs in the face of our Gregorian calendar, the zodiac year begins in March with Aries, which will be the first sign to get The Nest’s patented irreverent treatment!
As you can see from the rather ridiculous looking piece of artwork I made for this post, The Nest’s representative for the sign of Aries is Odyssey… the only one of my characters whose birthday (March 30) falls within the Aries range. Yes, my characters all have birthdays… the actual birthday of the person whom the character was drawn to represent (as is the case with Ms. Odyssey), or the date of creation for all others. Surely by now, you’ve read enough of my blog to expect such dorkiness from me…
Here’s the Aries poster I made for my 2010 zodiac project:
Because of year-to-year fluctuations with when the sun enters these fictional areas of space that govern the zodiac, pinning down exact dates for each sign is really not possible… and apparently the governing body for astrologers can’t come to any kind of universal agreement on a general guideline. So to make things easy on me, I’ll be using the date ranges listed on this website, which is the same one I’ll
plagiarize draw upon for each sign’s personality traits. Not only is that the same resource I used for my original project, but how can you not trust a webpage featuring two “lovers” in the banner who are so fucking stoned out of their mind, that they make Cheech & Chong look like choirboys…
So along with the arrival of Spring, the swallows, and of course Opening Day, comes Aries from March 21 – April 19. Aries is represented by the ram, an animal that
is a huge butthead likes to butt heads..
Aries is one of the zodiac signs that was lucky enough to get a really cool looking symbol. The symbol for Aries is a line coming up to form a pair of curved horns on either side.
Aries is one of the three fire signs of the zodiac, so just to be on the safe side, this post will be watched over by a trusted fire safety expert.
Aries is represented on the human body by the head. Aries know how to use their noggin.
Well, with some of the basics out of the way, let’s delve into the personality of the typical Aries!
Aries are natural born leaders. They are extremely independent go getters, who don’t let anything stand in the way of what they want. Aries are that hyper, Type A personality that all of us introverts would punch in the nose if we weren’t too shy to approach them.
Aries are huge crybabies and prone to pitching shit fits. See what happens when you don’t let Aries get their way…
Aries are adventurous and impulsive. This makes them excellent YOLOers as well as the preferred customers of stores full of disposable garbage like Mecca. Aries does whatever the hell Aries wants to do, and could give a shit less about what the consequences end up being. Aries should be represented by the honey badger.
The stoner astrology site even gives great dating advice for those who seek an Aries. Aries apparently love to be
sucked up to complimented. The way to an Aries heart is through their ego. Aries enjoy accumulating followers, which makes them the perfect sign for social media. Whatever you do, though, never boss an Aries around. Aries will use their horns to crack your puny skull open if you even think about taking the upper hand with them.
And then there’s this from the Salt N Pepa portion of the Aries page…
Sex With Aries: The Aries zodiac sign is straightforward, aggressive and adventurous and this is reflected in their approach to sex. Expect it to be physical, quick and rough, they like to dominate and have the upper position.
If you want some good quality entertainment, and are into voyeurism, you can’t beat watching two Aries try getting it on. It will look like two rabid dogs with full bladders fighting over a fire hydrant, and you can bet that plenty of bodily fluids will be exchanged, though probably not the ones you’re thinking of…
So, now that we’ve pissed off all of you Aries out there, let’s have a little fun with the sign and find connections to Aries around us!
Aries can be found in shitty American football teams…
Someone at Dodge must be an Aries or worship one, since the sign itself was made into a car…
And the animal became a truck…
Bam ba lam! Aries can be found in classic rock and roll!
Aries was quite useful in the olden days for opening tricky castles.
And finally, for all of your curly horned rams out there… here is your very own Evil Squirrel horoscope for today:
Today will be your day. Who am I kidding, every day is always your day. You will go out into the world and grab it by the wrinkly nutsack. That’s just how you Aries roll. Some Aquarius assclown at work will probably try to pass off their task onto your plate. Boy, they’re never going to see that left hook coming. Beware of the romantic interests of Gemini… they read this post today and think they know how to win you over with compliments and the promise of a threesome. While you’ve been busy conquering the world, mildew has been busy conquering your shower walls. You might want to take some time out from your hectic life to take care of shit like that, or at least go find a Cancer or a Virgo to do it for you… and don’t ask, demand! You’re a fucking natural born leader after all. Act like one! The stars are favorable for going out and buying a new dress or three. Who cares if you’re a man, nobody laughs at Aries and gets away with it! Your lucky numbers: 3, 14, 26, 69, 98.6, 8675309.
Join me next week, when we grab the bull by the horns….