Like Jason Vorhees on Friday the 13th, The Nest keeps returning again and again to bring you more impractical advice from our favorite stoner astrologers.  It’s time for the next interstellar edition of Evil Squirrel’s Zodiac!  Today, we’re going to put our hair down and let the sun shine in… this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius!

We have a small bucketful of Aquarians here at The Nest.  There is my wild child borzoi Skanki (January 29), as well as Erin’s overprotective mothership Mini (February 14) who starred with her daughter in the Aquarius entry in my 2010 zodiac project…

But for this tribute to the eleventh sign, I’m going to turn to one of my most popular characters who came to life not on my Millionaire message board, but in my blog comic strip… everyone’s favorite little adorable Dinkum Island hyena, Wiki! (January 23)  He shall guide us through the astrological properties of a constellation he probably can’t even see from his homeland…

At your service, mate!

Aquarius fills the cold, miserable middle of winter, lasting from about January 20th to February 18th each year.  Aquarius gets the Super Bowl, groundhogs, candy hearts, and of course…. National Squirrel Appreciation Day!

Aquarius gets all the cool holidays.

Aquarius is represented by the waterboy.  The mythical story behind Aquarius is one of those tales so fucked up, it could have only come from the righteous world of classical theology.  Ganymede, a young Phrygian boy, caught the eye of king of the gods and registered sex offender Jupiter… so Jupiter kidnapped him from his earthly family and brought him up to the heavens where he was forced to bring Jupiter cold beers from the fridge for all eternity.

My sister acting out the part of Aquarius.

Aquarius’ symbol is a pair of squiggly lines that is supposed to resemble water.  Instead, keeping with the alcoholic theme, it looks more like the mountains you’ll find on many beer cans…

The Rocky Mountain water bearer.

Aquarius’ spot on the body is the calves and ankles…. where your body will gladly transport water to make you swell up like a balloon when it’s not feeling up to par.

I’m not gonna really show you a picture of swollen ankles… so here’s a cute little ankylosaurus instead!

It would seem intuitive that Aquarius would be a water sign, but it’s not.  Whoever designed the zodiac was an OCD freak, and the element pattern had to repeat throughout the series even if it made no sense.  Aquarius is actually an air sign… so that means we get to introduce the badass, multi-headed keeper of the Sky Castle in Final Fantasy, the wind FIEND Tiamat!

How many heads can you fit up your ass?

So besides being someone you’d want to call when you’re thirsty, exactly what else can we expect from Aquarius?  Let’s pull out a few more sugar cubes and ask the stoner astrologists for some wisdom and guidance!

Aquarius is the ultimate non-conformist.  Not that that’s saying much, since most non-conformists are merely people who conform to the latest non-conformist trend, then ironically look down upon those who don’t conform to non-conformity.

Do as Aquarius does if you want to sit at the cool table with all the unique people.

While you are busy playing some lame Facebook game, Aquarius is out there in the world seeking intellectual truth and beauty.  Aquarius craves discovering new things and ideals, and basks in the goodness in everything.  This explains why Aquarius is an air sign, since they always have their head up their ass in the clouds, and need to be forcefully drug back down to earth to see the shitty reality of things.

Aquarius is completely oblivious to the fact that his parents murder unicorns and possums.

Aquarius will not judge you.  Aquarius respects critters people of all beliefs and cultures, and believes we are all entitled to be who we truly are…. unless you don’t believe in the same things Aquarius does, then you are obviously a total asshole.  Show me a truly non-judgmental person, and I will show you my bank vault filled with 24 karat acorns.

Aquarius is about to receive another life lesson.

Aquarius’ most identifying trait, however, is their belief that they are special…. so fucking special.  Aquarius is convinced it is unique and one of a kind, just like Dr. Pepper.  Aquarius didn’t need some creepy man in a cardigan who played with puppets and toy trolleys to tell them they were perfect just the way they are… baby, Aquarius was born this way.

Wanna come ride the awesome short bus with me?

If you’re looking for the ultimate free spirit to make your life a living hell, then listen up to the stoner astrologers’ advice for how to get Aquarius to think you are almost as special as they are.  You can attract Aquarius by engaging them in intellectually stimulating conversation.  Ask Aquarius what color they think The Dress is, or whether they’re on Team Edward or Team Jacob.  Don’t forget to take Aquarius on interesting and exciting dates… like dinner at Chuck E. Cheese’s or maybe take in a Gallagher show.

The strip club will do in a pinch. Aquarius would never judge a pole dancer for making a living.

And then we have the advice for having truly special and unique fun…

Sex With Aquarius:

Aquarius have a very imaginative approach to sex, they like creativity and novelty, they are not fond of not passion and an emotional sex. Sex to an Aquarius is a fun thing, expect to laugh and be silly, it’s like a fun game between a couple. Anything goes with Aquarius, they like spontaneous encounters and quickies.

Consulting with the stoners is kinda like trying to get advice from a Magic 8 ball… sometimes they are so cloudy high when they write something that you’ll have to try again later if you want something that makes any fucking sense.  It looks like Aquarius likes to laugh and be silly while getting it on.  Sure, it’s all fun and games until somebody gets porked…

Imagine if children had sex…. better yet, don’t imagine that.  Aquarius has issues.

Well, now that we’ve caused even the all-accepting Aquarius to hate our guts, let’s see where we can find our little water bringing cherub in the sky in the world around us!

Aquarius can be found on the sidelines…

Beware, Aquarius doesn’t think it’s wrong to pee in the jug.

Say the magic word, and Aquarius could be found on You Can’t Do That on Television…

At least it wasn’t the bearer of green slime this time.

We all know Aquarius can be found in the Fifth Dimension, but it could also be found in 90’s chick rock…

Hey, Aquarius Man!

Aquarius is all about making you pay extra for something you can get right out of your faucet.

And since Aquarius references are harder to come up with than fish and goat refs… I’ll put this cool looking Monkees album here.

The stoner astrologers will really appreciate this imagery!

And before we officially run out of refreshments, let’s present Aquarius with a little drink of their own from this insightful horoscope we totally made up here at The Nest…

Today will be a day unlike any other for Aquarius.  Go out in the backyard and use the garden hose to shower this morning.  Never mind that Cancer is leering at you from his bathroom window and taking pictures to put on the internet.  You will get the attention a truly special Aquarius deserves when they go viral.  Dress casually for work.  A T-shirt and flip flops will make quite an impression in the office.  Your Aries supervisor may not be as understanding when he writes you up, so take the time to teach them tolerance for all kinds.  If that fails, a fun and silly quickie full of laughter may be in order.  You will be enchanted when Libra begins chatting you up about the meaning of life through your screen door.  Accept their pamphlet, then tell them how much more fun and interesting the cult of Aquarius is.  They will freak out and head for the fucking hills because they can’t handle your amazing uniqueness.  Or maybe it’ll be because you’re actually annoying as hell when you wrap others up in your freak flag.  Stay true to yourself, Aquarius!  Oh, and go fetch me a soda from the icebox.  Your lucky numbers: 10, 13, 32, 41, H2O, and 20,000 leagues under the sea.

Aquarius is going to use its very special powers to get back at me for this…

Come back next Friday, when we finish off the zodiac series by goin’ fishin’!