I also finally got around to creating a page for this particular series… linking to each past Prompt the Squirrel post, noting which bloggers’ ideas are still to come, and passively aggressively shaming those of you who haven’t submitted your own idea yet. Come on folks… help me out here! It’s just like signing up for the Selective Service… it’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s the law!
For this week’s prompt, I’ve chosen the idea sent to me by Grandma Lin. Unlike myself, Lin is actually a talented artiste and you should really check out some of the neat drawings, paintings and collages she creates with the help of a
lot of little wine. Here is what she sent me to work with as a Friday prompt:
Fast Food Restaurant reviews. If you don’t ever eat fast food, you could just critique their menus. From a squirrels point of view. (??)
Gawd, I suck at thinking up prompts. lol
“If I don’t ever eat fast food”…… HA!!! It’s about all I’ve survived off of for the past 40 years.
In a day and age when the health nazis still allowed kids to enjoy food that contained more than two atoms of transfat, I was able to develop a taste for the greasy offerings of the local fast food joints while I was at my most impressionable. Below are some of the restaurants I’ve frequented over the years, and my quick and dirty impression of each of them…
Is there anyone who hasn’t eaten at McDonalds before? They have conquered the burger loving public all over the world to become one of the largest and most
evilest recognized fast food franchises across the globe. Of the billions and billions of hamburgers Mickey Dee’s has claimed to serve, I’m responsible for a few million of those. And every once in a while, the staff in the kitchen will make one of them the way I actually order it…
I loved McDonald’s back when it was a place where common people and the homeless could mingle together in harmony over a Filet O’Fish. But since the Arches tried to go all upscale a decade ago, I’ve been going there less and less. Next week will be a year since I last partook in any of their McCuisine. If I wanted to pay for a fancy dining experience (which I don’t), I’d go to a restaurant where the snotty waiters make more in a day’s tips than your cashiers wearing ties bring home in a week, and where the food doesn’t look like it came off the shelf of the toy department at Mecca. It’s sad to admit that after three decades of unconditional love, I’ve pretty much broken up with McDonald’s…
And then there is the restaurant formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken. Me and the Colonel were good friends when I wasn’t in the mood to put up with another McDonalds fucked up order. Original recipe chicken is to die for. Sure, I abandoned KFC for 5 years after one of their franchises nearly killed me with a nasty case of food poisoning in 1989… but those 11 herbs and spices lured me back, and for much of the 2000’s, KFC was my go-to restaurant.
If you’re a fatass pig like me, find a KFC with a buffet that will let you gorge on its yummy fried chicken until you drop dead of a heart attack. Unfortunately, our local KFC is not such an establishment, and since you can’t get a decent white meat meal there for under $10 anymore, Col. Sanders has been banished to the same fast food purgatory I sentenced Ronald McDonald to…
For nearly 20 years covering the prime chicken eating years of my life, my town had to do without a Church’s. The franchise’s return in 2006 brought much celebration and joy on my part…
Church’s provides the same recipe of delicious mild or spicy chicken along with shitty customer service and long waits for food that TWICE drove our local Popeye’s franchise out of business. So how does Church’s somehow keep people coming back to their clusterfucks of clucking cuisine?
Their steroid fueled chicken wings, of course.
Pretty much any fried chicken establishment you wander into will have little, scrawny, shitty ass wings that wouldn’t fill up a flea on a possum’s ass. Not Church’s… somehow, their bone-in wings are even bigger than the fucking breasts. For the same price as a KFC meal conatining two pathetic little nubs from a chibi chicken, you can get a real white meat feast from Church’s that will actually fill up your stomach… and later, the commode.
Jack in the Box:
The Jack in the Box philosophy is one whose time had long since come…. offer up a wide variety of foods, don’t let the clock dictate what you serve, and feed everyone at any time… especially those of us who do our best work while the sun’s on the other side of the world.
Of course, despite their wide ranging menu with so many combo meals that their specified numbers are in scientific notation, I only order one thing… the chicken strips. My new comfort food that will get me by anywhere. And for some reason, it seems to drive the people who work at my local Jack in the Box absolutely fucking insane that I come in and order the same #12 combo every…. single….. time. “Dude, why don’t you order something else?” the guy whose job it is to drop the chicken in the fryer wants to know…
The fast food restaurant with the creepiest mascot in the biz had a brief moment in the sun among places I’d regularly patronize. What did them in was when they did away with their chicken strip meal… a cautionary tale I always tell the clowns at Jack in the Box. Burger King made a reputation off of
sticking its meat in a different kind of microwave flame grilling its burgers rather than frying them. That may work for some people, but we’ve come a long way since barbecue was the only feasible means for cooking brontosaurus burgers, and I want my patties fried on a skillet, dammit!
Long John Silver’s:
The restaurant that used to have the creepiest mascot in the biz is a place I do occasionally go to despite the fact that I refuse to eat anything that once swam in its own poop. Of course, they have chicken
strips planks there, so I’m good. But the best thing about the only restaurant named for a porn star is the crumbs!
Yes, the tastiest thing on Long John’s menu is the waste material from their breading process.
Finally, there is the franchise that’s actually got a really great burger if I ever feel like driving 400 miles to get one. There are no Whataburgers in my area, and from looking at their location map, they seem to be unable to branch out from the South and Southwest. But they have them in Oklahoma, where I’ve been able to indulge on their whatacuisine on my annual trips down that way. Whataburger seems to have issues with realizing that mustard is not part and parcel of a hamburger (Advanced tip: Unless you love mustard, always order your Whataburger “dry”), but they are so good when they do make them right that I’m willing to plow anyone over who stands in my way of one….. literally.
That’s me in the reflection of this Nissan SUV taking a pretty picture of what happens when you try to make a left turn into a Whataburger across three lanes of traffic when your view of the far lane is blocked by two lines of stopped cars. And I had two of my message board friends in tow at the time too… so just keep that in mind if there should ever be any WordPress gathering of some kind… do not designate me as a driver.
Thanks for the deliciously excellent prompt Grandma Lin! I’ll be back with another great idea from my fan club next Friday… if I don’t end up giving them all whiplash.