Burger Time

Let's eat!

Let’s eat!

prompt logoIt’s another super duper Friday where my readers get to take over The Nest… well, kind of.  You supply the germ, and I make sure it grows into an epic pandemic of a post.

I also finally got around to creating a page for this particular series… linking to each past Prompt the Squirrel post, noting which bloggers’ ideas are still to come, and passively aggressively shaming those of you who haven’t submitted your own idea yet.  Come on folks… help me out here!  It’s just like signing up for the Selective Service… it’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s the law!

House Bill HR-6969... you can look it up.

House Bill HR-6969… you can look it up.

For this week’s prompt, I’ve chosen the idea sent to me by Grandma Lin.  Unlike myself, Lin is actually a talented artiste and you should really check out some of the neat drawings, paintings and collages she creates with the help of a lot of little wine.  Here is what she sent me to work with as a Friday prompt:

Fast Food Restaurant reviews.  If you don’t ever eat fast food, you could just critique their menus.  From a squirrels point of view. (??)
Gawd, I suck at thinking up prompts.  lol

“If I don’t ever eat fast food”…… HA!!!  It’s about all I’ve survived off of for the past 40 years.

My arteries thank me.

My arteries thank me.

In a day and age when the health nazis still allowed kids to enjoy food that contained more than two atoms of transfat, I was able to develop a taste for the greasy offerings of the local fast food joints while I was at my most impressionable.  Below are some of the restaurants I’ve frequented over the years, and my quick and dirty impression of each of them…

McDonalds:

This will scare all of the predators away from the park.

This will scare all of the predators away from the park.

Is there anyone who hasn’t eaten at McDonalds before?  They have conquered the burger loving public all over the world to become one of the largest and most evilest recognized fast food franchises across the globe.  Of the billions and billions of hamburgers Mickey Dee’s has claimed to serve, I’m responsible for a few million of those.  And every once in a while, the staff in the kitchen will make one of them the way I actually order it…

No sir, that's just our special sauce.  Trust me...

No sir, that’s just our special sauce. Trust me…

I loved McDonald’s back when it was a place where common people and the homeless could mingle together in harmony over a Filet O’Fish.  But since the Arches tried to go all upscale a decade ago, I’ve been going there less and less.  Next week will be a year since I last partook in any of their McCuisine.  If I wanted to pay for a fancy dining experience (which I don’t), I’d go to a restaurant where the snotty waiters make more in a day’s tips than your cashiers wearing ties bring home in a week, and where the food doesn’t look like it came off the shelf of the toy department at Mecca.  It’s sad to admit that after three decades of unconditional love, I’ve pretty much broken up with McDonald’s…

Thanks for the memories guys, but this is.... goodbye.

Thanks for the memories guys, but this is…. goodbye.

KFC:

And then there is the restaurant formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Me and the Colonel were good friends when I wasn’t in the mood to put up with another McDonalds fucked up order.  Original recipe chicken is to die for.  Sure, I abandoned KFC for 5 years after one of their franchises nearly killed me with a nasty case of food poisoning in 1989… but those 11 herbs and spices lured me back, and for much of the 2000’s, KFC was my go-to restaurant.

This should be on everyone's bucket list.

This should be on everyone’s bucket list.

If you’re a fatass pig like me, find a KFC with a buffet that will let you gorge on its yummy fried chicken until you drop dead of a heart attack.  Unfortunately, our local KFC is not such an establishment, and since you can’t get a decent white meat meal there for under $10 anymore, Col. Sanders has been banished to the same fast food purgatory I sentenced Ronald McDonald to…

I'll make them fight for their chance to get to Fast Food Heaven...

I’ll make them fight for their chance to get to Fast Food Heaven…

Church’s Chicken:

For nearly 20 years covering the prime chicken eating years of my life, my town had to do without a Church’s.  The franchise’s return in 2006 brought much celebration and joy on my part…

OMG!!!  Chicken!!!  I LOVE chicken!!!

OMG!!! Chicken!!! I LOVE chicken!!!

Church’s provides the same recipe of delicious mild or spicy chicken along with shitty customer service and long waits for food that TWICE drove our local Popeye’s franchise out of business.  So how does Church’s somehow keep people coming back to their clusterfucks of clucking cuisine?

Their steroid fueled chicken wings, of course.

The Barry Bonds of poultry.

The Barry Bonds of poultry.

Pretty much any fried chicken establishment you wander into will have little, scrawny, shitty ass wings that wouldn’t fill up a flea on a possum’s ass.  Not Church’s… somehow, their bone-in wings are even bigger than the fucking breasts.  For the same price as a KFC meal conatining two pathetic little nubs from a chibi chicken, you can get a real white meat feast from Church’s that will actually fill up your stomach… and later, the commode.

Typical bathroom after a good meal at Church's.

Typical bathroom after a good meal at Church’s.

Jack in the Box:

The Jack in the Box philosophy is one whose time had long since come…. offer up a wide variety of foods, don’t let the clock dictate what you serve, and feed everyone at any time… especially those of us who do our best work while the sun’s on the other side of the world.

The snack bar's closed, but you can try Jack down the road.

The snack bar’s closed, but you can try Jack down the road.

Of course, despite their wide ranging menu with so many combo meals that their specified numbers are in scientific notation, I only order one thing… the chicken strips.  My new comfort food that will get me by anywhere.  And for some reason, it seems to drive the people who work at my local Jack in the Box absolutely fucking insane that I come in and order the same #12 combo every…. single….. time.  “Dude, why don’t you order something else?” the guy whose job it is to drop the chicken in the fryer wants to know…

That kind of custoemr disservice attitude would get you killed at Burger Shot.

That kind of customer disservice attitude would get you killed at Burger Shot.

Burger King:

The fast food restaurant with the creepiest mascot in the biz had a brief moment in the sun among places I’d regularly patronize.  What did them in was when they did away with their chicken strip meal… a cautionary tale I always tell the clowns at Jack in the Box.  Burger King made a reputation off of sticking its meat in a different kind of microwave flame grilling its burgers rather than frying them.  That may work for some people, but we’ve come a long way since barbecue was the only feasible means for cooking brontosaurus burgers, and I want my patties fried on a skillet, dammit!

I'll keep lingering around in your bedroom until you come visit us again and have it your our way!

I’ll keep lingering around in your bedroom until you come visit us again and have it your our way!

Long John Silver’s:

The restaurant that used to have the creepiest mascot in the biz is a place I do occasionally go to despite the fact that I refuse to eat anything that once swam in its own poop.  Of course, they have chicken strips planks there, so I’m good.  But the best thing about the only restaurant named for a porn star is the crumbs!

Penfold's totally with me on this.

Penfold’s totally with me on this.

Yes, the tastiest thing on Long John’s menu is the waste material from their breading process.

My arteries harden just looking at all this crumby goodness!

My arteries harden just looking at all this crumby goodness!

Whataburger:

Finally, there is the franchise that’s actually got a really great burger if I ever feel like driving 400 miles to get one.  There are no Whataburgers in my area, and from looking at their location map, they seem to be unable to branch out from the South and Southwest.  But they have them in Oklahoma, where I’ve been able to indulge on their whatacuisine on my annual trips down that way.  Whataburger seems to have issues with realizing that mustard is not part and parcel of a hamburger (Advanced tip: Unless you love mustard, always order your Whataburger “dry”), but they are so good when they do make them right that I’m willing to plow anyone over who stands in my way of one….. literally.

My little Neon did that?

My little Neon did that?

That’s me in the reflection of this Nissan SUV taking a pretty picture of what happens when you try to make a left turn into a Whataburger across three lanes of traffic when your view of the far lane is blocked by two lines of stopped cars.  And I had two of my message board friends in tow at the time too… so just keep that in mind if there should ever be any WordPress gathering of some kind… do not designate me as a driver.

Buckle up Sheena and Drali...

Buckle up Sheena and Drali…

Thanks for the deliciously excellent prompt Grandma Lin!  I’ll be back with another great idea from my fan club next Friday… if I don’t end up giving them all whiplash.

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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34 Responses to Burger Time

  1. Merbear74 says:

    I still like McDonald’s milk shakes and fries…and their sausage and cheese McMuffin on occasion when I get up early enough.

  2. fanrosa says:

    The If you don’t eat fast food line got a literal HA! from me!

    Wow, is it a rite of passage to get food poisoning from the Colonel? I spent a long night/morning driving across the desert having to stop every so often to let my brother projectile vomit on the side of the highway. I hadn’t eaten as much as he did, so I got by swigging Pepto all the way from Nevada to Santa Fe…..

    I don’t eat out much at all, but your description of Church’s wings makes me want to see if we have one of those around here. If you have one, try Freddy’s Steakburgers. To me they are what everybody else says Five Guys are but isn’t.

    I gotta try a Whataburger sometime. Years ago when my family went to San Antonio, my sister and dad actually sent me a postcard about the Whataburger on the Riverwalk…..

    • fanrosa says:

      Oh, I almost forgot! I do have a breakfast burrito and tots from Sonic once a month or so when I have an early early morning errand or appointment. Are you one of those Sonic challenged areas? Or would it kill you to have a semblance of an actual breakfast?

      • There are no Freddys around me… steakburgers around here mean Steak n Shake, which I left on the cutting room floor due to time constraints. We have a few Sonics in the area (none within 20 minutes of GC, though), and they definitely have their groupies who swear by them. But since my idea of breakfast is frying up some hamburgers when I get home from work, I wouldn’t be ordering anything with that awful B word in its name from anywhere…

  3. goldfish says:

    I read this post 15 minutes before lunch and now I want fast food. I never eat fast food.

  4. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Then some of us don’t have Jack in the Box or Whataburger 😦

    • Among the many distractions I came across while doing this post (Which is the main reason it got posted so late) was looking a number of different maps of where certain regional burger joints are located. It’s weird how so few fast food chains are truly nationwide. I’m really surprised Jack in the Box isn’t one of them…

  5. draliman says:

    Hey, so is that me in the shades next to Dustin Hoffman? I’m looking good 🙂

    We have Maccy D’s, KFC and Burger King but not the other “restaurants” you’ve mentioned, all within around 10 miles of me. I do love KFC though I haven’t had it in ages. I could eat for a week for the price of one fast food meal these days. Plus it’s not particularly fast here! Here’s part of a Pratchett/Gaiman quote (from “Good Omens”) about the fictional “Burger Lords” chain:

    “English Burger Lords managed to take any American fast food virtues (the speed with which your food was delivered, for example) and carefully remove them; your food arrived after half an hour, at room temperature, and it was only because of the strip of warm lettuce between them that you could distinguish the burger from the bun.”

    • LOL! We must have a number of Burger Lords locations disguising themselves as better known fast food joints around here, because those descriptions sound familiar….

    • fanrosa says:

      Another Gaiman fan, yay! Good Omens is probably my all time favourite book, I don’t know how many times I’ve read it and can still come across something I’ve previously missed…

      • draliman says:

        I’ve also read it many many times. The combination of those two authors produced sheer magic. I now have the urge to read it yet again, and, having misplaced my falling-to-bits paperback copy, I shall download it forthwith for my Kindle.

  6. Our Town has 1 McDonaldses and 1 Burger King. No KFC, no Church, No LJS. Pizza, though, if you could call it that. The thing is, it’s ALL bad. Every bit of it, even the local places that aren’t part of a chain. It’s enough to convince you to cook your own meals.

    • Nothing quite tops homemade, as momma always said. Well, not my Mom, who was far from the greatest cook (She did almost set the apartment on fire once)… and that’s probably how I developed the taste for fast food.

  7. reocochran says:

    That ambitious squirrel is cute! You are so funny, E.S.!

  8. Trisha says:

    We stopped eating at KFC years ago after finding something that resembled a brain in with our chicken. You’re spot on about McDonald’s always fucking up the orders. Always. And it’s not like it’s cheap anymore. It baffles me that they’re still so busy after jacking up their prices so much. Great photos and captions, by the way!

    • McDonalds has to be getting by on sheer brand name power and strength in numbers… because I can’t understand how they’re doing it either with all the cheaper and superior quality options. They’re like my employer, only we keep people coming back and away from our superior competitors with the lowest prices in the industry. I have no idea what magic Ronald McDonald is using…

  9. JackieP says:

    Ah, I have fond memories of my younger days in Texas with Jack In the Box, Whataburger and Sonic. It’s been years and I always liked Whataburgers. Here in Canada where I live we have KFC but it’s so damn expensive and you can not get mashed taters! Only fries, which are yucky. We also have MickyD’s of course. I used to love churches fried chicken too. God, I wish I could visit Texas again and have some eating memories. lol then again, maybe not.

    • If KFC’s fries are like the potato wedges they serve here, they are so damn nasty! Though I’m not a fan of mashed taters, I can’t imagine any chicken joint, let alone KFC, without them on the menu!!!

  10. We don’t have most of these places but i like the sound of the Jack where you can get anything at any time. We have mcdonalds and KFC and it annoys me that the menu changes according to time. hilarious review! 😀

    • Thanks! And I’ve griped about the breakfast thing before. From what I’ve read, McDonalds corporate would love to eliminate the set breakfast/lunch times, but the individual franchises keep resisting it saying it would create chaos since their kitchens aren’t built to handle doing both at the same time. And yet, it’s no problem for Jack in the Box! I love that at Jack’s I can not only get what I want at 2 AM, but can even dine in at that hour.

  11. I’m glad I’ve had a very good lunch before reading this! I’m still too full to think about going out for food. Although I can’t remember the last time I had a Maccy D’s or a Burger King. Probably years before I joined the community…

  12. Mental Mama says:

    Jack in the Box sounds a lot like our Sonic. And now I’m craving Culver’s. Dammit.

    • We have a Culvers, but I’ve never eaten there. For some reason, the words “butter” and “burger” just don’t go together in my head…

      • Mental Mama says:

        Dude, it is awesome. I think they have the best fries anywhere and the cheese curds are to die for. Plus, sweet tea (hard to find here) and their own root beer. What’s not to love?

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