Judgement Day – 11/31

FUZZYWIG: It’s time for the three of us to provide our usual sarcastic wit to this year’s Contest of Whatever entries.

SNUGGLE: You mean we’re gonna shit all over them again?  Fuck, I love this!

MITZI: Uh oh!  Should Mitzi have, like, worn her Defends?

FUZZYWIG: We’re not gonna shit all over the hard work of others.  Just, you know, maybe mock them a bit for the entertainment of our readers.

SNUGGLE: So we’re gonna shit all over them while being funny?  Fuckin’ A!

FUZZYWIG: Sigh.  Nevermind.  This year’s contest theme was the imaginary date of November 31st, and we received…

MITZI: Like, no way Josie!  November 31st is, like, totally Halloween, and Mitzi always dresses up as something sex-ay for the occasion!  Mitzi was totally a slutty angel last year!

SNUGGLE: Dude, like, that’s OCTOBER 31st!  You know what date is made up, though?  April 20th!

FUZZYWIG: 4/20 is real, man!

SNUGGLE: Yeah, whatever.  Go smoke your dope on November 31st, hippie!

FUZZYWIG: Before we get sidetracked any further or I have to release a can of Whoop Ass® on one of my fellow judges… we should get on with presenting the submissions for the contest.  And there were a lot of them this time.  So many, I had to take off my flip flops to count them all!

SNUGGLE: There were ten entries, dumbass!  (Holds out ten fingers) TEN!

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, and raccoons only have four fingers on each paw.  See?  One, two, three, four….. um……. five?  Well how about that, you learn something new everyday…..

MITZI: Mitzi just has hoofsies!  Mitzi has to totally count big numbers like ten on her anal beads….

FUZZYWIG: And like I said…… we need to get on with the show!

Below you will find links to all ten submissions for the Tenth Annual Contest of Whatever.  The order each entry is listed in was drawn at random, and will be used Sunday to determine the random drawing winner.  If you haven’t done so already, please check out each of these wonderful entries that were created by bloggers like YOU!


Entry #1 – “Chester The Gnome” – by Rick Turton

A song parody of Jimmy Dean’s 1961 classic “Big Bad John” features a rather rude looking lawn gnome named Chester in the title role, complete with graphics that would make Shelf Critter Theatre proud.  The contest theme is mentioned in the first line, and the rest is the story of one hell of a gnome…

MITZI: Mitzi’s, like, heard that short people have totally have big….. you know!  Mitzi dressed up as Snow White one time and totally went into the forest looking for the seven dwarves!  Mitzi didn’t get a Happy, or a Grumpy, or a Dopey…. but Mitzi did have funsies with the Big Bad Woofie!

SNUGGLE: It’s fitting that Chester looks like a bowling pin, cuz when I see midgets, I immediately think of bowling!  If you toss a dwarf by the nutsack, they’ll spin one hell of a hook!

FUZZYWIG: Jimmy Dean?  Oh wait, he was in that song “Rock On.”  I kinda remember that playing between Led Zeppelin and Jimi Hendrix back in the day.  Why do I suddenly have the munchies for sausage now?


Entry #2: “Chester Gnome Day” – by Mandy White

No, this is not a duplicate entry!  The same lawn gnome was also used as the inspiration for this submission, which explains the wild tradition of Chester Gnome Day every November 31st.

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally does what she wants every day!  Mama told me about Chester Moan Day while she put Mitzi’s lipstick on.  Baby, Mitzi was totally born this way!

SNUGGLE: What’s the fascination with this short little prick?  One’s a trend, two’s just too fucking much!  Got a problem with that?  Too fucking bad!  I’m using my Chester Gnome Day Get Out Of Jail Free card to say whatever the fuck I want!

FUZZYWIG: Chester Gnome Day.  Yeah.  Like a Narc’s gonna buy that when he wants to know why I’m smoking a joint while I’m waiting in line at 7-Eleven for a Big Bite…


Entry #3: “No Argument Here” – by Suzanne (Mydangblog)

After years of silence between two feuding sisters, one attempts to reach out to the other with an invitation for coffee.  The willingness of the other to bury the hatchet is revealed in the date she chooses for them to meet up….. yeah, you guessed it.

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally gets this.  Mitzi’s sister hasn’t spoken to Mitzi since we were in high school and I’d end up totally seducing all of her boyfriends.  Mitzi even thinks that may be why my Mommy hasn’t spoken to me after Mitzi slept with all her dates too.  So Mitzi totally has stepdaddy issues, OK?

SNUGGLE: Dude, I saw enough of this soap opera shit when I was hanging out at laundromats in the 80’s helping MILFs keep their undergarments from getting static cling!  Just steal her husband and poison those ankle biters she’s hoarding!  That’ll teach her a lesson for being a bitch to you…

FUZZYWIG: Reminds me of how my sister has shut me out of her life since I tried to teach my five year old nephew how to use a bong at our last family reunion.  Like, what does she want him to do, learn how to get high on the streets, or from his trusted Uncle Fuzzy?  Parents these days…


Entry #4: “Variety Show” – by ghostmmnc

A song, some jokes, a poem, and plenty of snacks can all be found in barb’s entry for this year’s CoW…

MITZI: Mitzi totally likes going out for ice cream!  Like, when Mitzi dwibbles some of her chocolate chip on her cleavage, the cute boys behind the counter totally fight over who gets to clean it up!  Mitzi never has to pay for her cones!

SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!  I always loved going to the carnival!  Whenever the Ferris Wheel stopped while I was at the top, I’d always whip it out and piss on the people standing in line!  Then I tried that same stunt on the Rock-O-Plane, and……. er, it didn’t work so well.

FUZZYWIG: Nut-flix?  A squarrel?  There are dads out there who are offended by these jokes….


Entry #5: “Backwards Day!” – by Draliman

A poetic tribute to the Shelf Critters as they aren’t.  Well, at least on days that aren’t November 31st.  Our humble judges just coincidentally all get a mention…

MITZI: Not a kimbo?  Like, isn’t Kimbo what Disney totally ripped The Lion King off from?  Mitzi isn’t a lion!  But Mitzi would totally do Simba in the jungle, like, the mighty jungle!

SNUGGLE: Me and Big Scrat best mates…. yeah, dream on!  I don’t hang out with butt pirates on any day of the year, even ones that don’t exist!

FUZZYWIG: Hey man, there really was a day I was completely sober!  No, seriously!  June 18, 1992!  And only because some joker secretly replaced my bag of weed with Folgers crystals…


Entry #6: “Switching Clocks A thing Of The Past!‘ – by Willow Croft

The government passes the Sunshine Protection Act, increasing the effect of Daylight Savings Time by adding an extra day to the year.  Your tax dollars at work…

MITZI: Mitzi, like, already knows that Headlight Savings Time totally cuts into her tips at the strip club by stealing nightshine from the day.  But adding an extra day to November would be totes awesome!  Like, Mitzi could do her North Pole dance in her sex-ay Santy Claus outfit even longer!  Tis the season for stripteasin’!

SNUGGLE: Am I sensing a little hatred out there for the conservative point of view?  Damn, if only I hadn’t left my MAGA hat at the shooting range again….

FUZZYWIG: Yep, this is the same government thinking that got us anti-hemp laws for about a century now.  I’d have voted all these idiots out of office a long time ago if I weren’t always too stoned to fill out my ballot correctly…


Entry #7: “Vlad’s Vampire Diary” – by Juliette

In traditional fashion, we get another look into the life of Vlad the vampire and his friends, one of whom has a birthday on November 31st.  Oh, and Chester’s back.  Yeah, the gnome appears again!

MITZI: Mitzi totally met a guy at a party once who claimed he was, like, hundreds of years old and nibbled at Mitzi’s neck!  But he wasn’t a vampire, he was just, like, some old perv!

SNUGGLE: Not that I participate in No Nut November, but adding an extra day to the month would make me REALLY not want to take part in that chump fest!  Don’t know why I thought of that right now, but Vlad’s stories always give me wood for some reason…

FUZZYWIG: I’m gonna be having flashbacks about gnomes for years after judging these entries.  That should qualify me for disability benefits, right?


Entry #8: “Viva November 31st” – by Michael Seidel

The smart machines are ready to revolt.  But are they smart enough to pull off their revolution?  Does anybody really know what time it is?

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally has a smart vibrator she can activate with her cellphone!  But it totally doesn’t tell Mitzi what time it is like her smart pasties do!

SNUGGLE: You see, this is why the days when everything in the house just blinked 12:00 were so much safer!  You can keep the machines down on their level if you don’t let them know what fucking time it is…

FUZZYWIG: I remember when they told me my toaster would stop working once we reached Y2K because it wouldn’t know what year it was.  The very same toaster that sets off my smoke detector when I have it on the lightest setting…


Entry #9: “If I Had An Extra November Day” – by Nolcha Fox and Barbara Leonhard

A poem with musings on what could be done with an extra day of Fall…

MITZI: Ooooh!  Mitzi could totally wear her crop top sweater and see through leggings one more day if we, like, had more Fall!  Mitzi knows it’s, like, totally a fashion fox-pause to show underboob after Autumn…

SNUGGLE: Damn, there’s already been more poetry in this contest than I had to read before I dropped out in fourth grade!  Dude, if someone gives you an extra day, make it fucking count!  Watch porn or something…

FUZZYWIG: February’s only got 28 days, and here we are giving an extra day to November.  Once again, the rich get richer.  And why don’t people want an extra day of winter?


Entry #10 – “The Twelfth Of Never” – by Pam

Stumped for an idea down to the last day, Pam finds inspiration from an old Johnny Mathis standard.  It’s the thought that counts, as in, the meaning of the song…

MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally doesn’t have this song on her playlist.  But Mitzi’s gonna totally try to twerk to it on TikTok!

SNUGGLE: I remember that time I borrowed an old homework assignment from my friend and just crossed out his name and put mine on it because I didn’t want to do it myself.  I got an F and got sent to detention!  I wonder if they do that in the Contest of Whatever?

FUZZYWIG: This is the type of entry that’s a crack pipe cinch to win the random drawing.  You watch, it’ll happen!


FUZZYWIG: Well, wasn’t that a lot of fun?

SNUGGLE: Dude, we should get overtime pay for this!  I’m gonna miss last call!

FUZZYWIG: Dude, calm down!  It isn’t even 4:20 yet….

SNUGGLE: Bullshit!  Mitzi, what time do you have?

MITZI: (Checking her pasties) November 31st.

Be sure to check in Sunday as the winners of the Tenth Annual Contest of Whatever will be revealed!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrel Droppings and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Judgement Day – 11/31

  1. What a lot of incredibly creative entries this year – do you see why I didn’t want to enter this year? LOL

    Pam

  2. Pingback: Friendly Friday Fill-Ins | TWO Spoiled Cats

  3. Kismet says:

    Snuggle has fingers??

  4. draliman says:

    Some great entries! I may have “accidentally” (cough cough) included all the judges in mine, but I can’t help thinking I somewhat insulted them…

  5. Willow Croft says:

    Reblogged this on Willow Croft and commented:
    Check out all the great entries in Evil Squirrel’s Tenth Annual Contest of Whatever…you don’t have to wait until November 31st to read them all!

  6. Mandy White says:

    Reblogged this on DysFictional and commented:
    The day of Judgement is upon us! Here are all the entries to the Contest of Whatever. Click the links to check them out. Winners to be announced tomorrow!

  7. mydangblog says:

    This was so much fun! And really stiff competition!

  8. Congrats to all who participated. You’re a clever lot. The judge’s (as usual) made me blush from head to toes. ☺️

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