Welcome one and all to WordPress’ favorite New Years Day tradition, the presentation of Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s Fourth Annual Sandy Awards! If you’re new around here or just happened to wake up from a medically induced coma, the Sandy Awards honor the best, the funniest, (Oxford comma!) and the most fucked up search terms to have led random internet searchers to The Nest over the past year. The Sandys were named in honor of the overwhelming plethora of horny fanboy searches for Sandy Cheeks porn that accounted for about 75% of my pageviews back in the early days of this blog simply because I have my own Sandy Squirrel character. If you missed any of the previous three award ceremonies, treat your funny bone to all the search term wackiness it can stand right here.
We have another most excellent show set up for you this year! Along with the presentation of this year’s Sandys, we’ve got plenty of star-studded entertainment to help keep your eyes off that meaningless college bowl game. Marilyn will be on hand with a tragic slide show of the Red Sox 2015 season, The Cutter will perform a tribute to early 90’s hip hop while dressed as Rainbow Dash, and Trisha has promised all in attendance some high quality entertainers from the upstairs room at Cathouse Pizza…
So let’s get this road on the show, shall we? Over the past year, I saved the most awesome search terms that showed up on my Stats page (the good old classic one you can find at this link) and pared that list down into the very best of the year. Once again, those terms were divided into several themed categories, with each category awarding a Sandy to its best entry. I’ve also chosen one set of search terms out of them all to be awarded with the Best Search Term of 2015 Sandy at the end of the program. Don’t worry, “xxxxxxxxxxxl” will not win…
All of the bolded terms you see below were really entered by someone, somewhere in this big, wide world of ours into a search engine that accidentally led them to The Nest. Many of these are so insane, that even my demented imagination could never make them up. As is customary, we’ll start off the night with the best interrogative search!
There’s nothing wrong with asking the internet a stupid question. But sometime people will go too far in their quest for ridiculous knowledge…
what are the sandy awards? – If you’d have been paying attention during my intro rather than updating your stupid Facebook status, you’d know what they are!
what does it mean when someone yells squirrel? – It means you better duck…. and FAST!
Incoming!
what does a 50 year old scorpio man look for in a woman? – The same thing any other 50 year old man would look for in a woman…. big boobs.
Why is that old man staring at me? It’s my glasses, isn’t it?
why do squirrels hang dead squirrel tails on branch? – Because you obviously live in squirrel mafia territory. I’d watch out for drive-by acorns.
hats that look like squirrels are called what? – Cruel
And the award goes to….
how has the clapper light switch changed our lives? – By making us all just a little bit more fucking lazy, that’s how…
Get your arthritic joints out of that bed and turn it off yourself, old lady!
Wait, stop! Your clapping is causing the stage lights to go on and off!
OK, that was quick and painless! Now let’s move along to the lifestyles of the rich and famous…
Let’s see what well known people somehow got tangled up in the celebrity rehab of The Nest…
mike tyson metamucil commercial – I think this ad airs on daytime TV right after the George Foreman Depends commercial…
washed up butch patrick – Leave Eddie Munster alone!
Anyone heard from Pugsley lately? Didn’t think so…
joan jett touch me – She’s not on your team, dude…
It’s a good thing there were no selfies in the early 80’s.
stacie orrico ass – Stacie doesn’t know whether to be appalled, or tickled that she’s still relevant…
And the award goes to…
jar jar haters gonna hate – Take THAT, you Gungaphobes!
It’s blasphemous to dislike Messa Binks!
I’m more embarrassed that I look like C3PO…
Moving right along to the category that will make that strict language arts teacher you once had bust a vein…
This category is brought to you by Texters For A Dumber Vocabulary…
90s muzzy commercial transkation –
Muzzy just seems to lose something in the transkation.
arcchitecture of a squirrels nest – Squirrels generally believe in form following function, which including adding unnecessary letters to words.
pikachu drinking bear – In the fucked up world of anime, this may actually be possible.
I got the bear necessities…
any person who drink 7up cold drink can creat a uncousiness – Someone needs to lay off the bear…
what do squirrels do at nite – Curl up in their nests and watch Nick at Nite, of course!
This never gets old…
And the award goes to…
is squirrels bad around ho – Squirrels are just like any other creature… and it’s impossible to behave yourself in the presence of hos…
Everyone’s gotta get their nuts off sometime…
Not a ho… just another naked award statuette.
Time for the award sponsored by Clorox, makers of fine eye bleach…
And now for some visuals that will rot your mind even more than my blog will…
image of squirrel up to his nuts in snow – You try walking around naked outside in the winter and see how funny this is…
This will give anyone blue balls…
iiiiiiiiii i sweat too much – Allllllllllllllllllllllrighty then…
photo of spongebob with corncob up butt – The one downside to having a squirrel corn feeder is the annual corncob up the ass searches my blog attracts…
Be careful what you wish for, dear…
yoga for fat boys –
Yoga pants and Chainz!
world’s highest fat man image – Sorry, Jerry Garcia is no longer with us…
80’s skate fashion for men –
The good old days weren’t always good…
And the award goes to…
unhung and not afraid to show – It looks like Ken has become an exhibitionist…
That’s good to know, because Barbie’s posting your naked selfies on the internet now…
Being anatomically correct is so overrated.
Well, thank goodness that’s over with. Now, to make up for it with a super dose of cuteness!
As you might expect, The Nest gets more than its share of searches involving our sciurine friends. Let’s see what nutty things people were looking for this year…
squirrels that wooble – Squirrels wooble, but they don’t fall out of trees…
vampire squirrel of california – I think you’ll find him in Juliette’s yard…
how to see if a squirrel is dead or alive – You could try asking him…
Or you could call for an expert opinion…
squirrel nest is leaking brown stuff all over my deck – I’d say its time to call Roto Rooter…
is it safe to give a squirrel pepto bismol – It may be the only option if you want to keep that brown stuff off your deck…
Sorry, but nuts give me the runs!
breaking squirrel nest bad luck – Yeah, for the squirrels who are now homeless…
Welcome to the club!
do squirrels come out at night in the dark? – No, because that would be redundant…
And the award goes to…
vidal sassoon squirrel – If he doesn’t look look, they don’t look good.
Vidal Sassoon must be having a bad fur day right now…
I always keep Mr. Sassoon looking good.
In the interest of ending this before 2016 is over, we’ll skip the half hour long in memoriam montage to all of Buster’s deaths this past year so we can move on to our next category…
The Stoner Astrologers foresaw that my series on the zodiac would bring me in a ton of searches related to the 12 signs, and the people of the internet certainly did not disappoint…
capricorns are cute –
Damn straight!
why taurus cuts messages – As long as the bulls aren’t cutting the cheese, why bother them?
libras lower back –
And everyone thought Big Brother would be the ones to mark us with identifying codes…
sagittarius in a zombie apocalypse – Given their love of adventure and excellent bow and arrow skills, my money would be on the Sag.
aries full of shit – What makes this truly funny is the fact that I got 18 separate searches for this exact phrase…
I am NOT full of shit!
merciless scorpio boyfriend – Another Match.com success story!
why are capricorns so fucked in 2015 – For the same reason they are every year… nobody wants to get you both birthday and Christmas presents at the same time.
libra boss ass kissing – Just make sure you kiss each cheek equally to keep everything balanced…
taurus said my way or highway –
I fought the bull and the bull won…
why scorpio is a fucking sign – Because even people born in the Fall enjoy reading horoscopes…
why scorpio man is so nasty with me we are not dating – Maybe that’s the problem, you’re playing too hard to get.
then god created capricorns – Out of whatever was left…
And the award goes to…
a capricorn will fuck you up – Damn… I wish you’d have warned me before I made that last comment!
They’ll probably also fuck up your sexual health…
What? No Pisces searches? Sigh, just another reason to pity myself…
Now it’s time for the search terms that give fucked up a whole new meaning…
These people should be ashamed of themselves, even if they did garner Sandy Award recognition…
cocoa unicorn rainbow – I think you have just as much chance of finding a cocoa rainbow as you do a unicorn…
polish squirrel joke – Sigh……. OK, I guess, since I like to keep my readers satisfied. But so I don’t get bashed into banishment by the PC police, I’ll bring in a real Polish squirrel to tell it…
Why was the Polish squirrel unable to run from the dog? He’d just buried his nuts and got stuck!
50 shades of squirrel – Come on… squirrels have more class than to be associated with dreck like that.
Classy squirrel sex.
a world without squirrels – What a terrible thought! Thankfully, classy squirrel sex will keep this from ever happening.
prayer for hitting a squirrel – Please, God, don’t let the poor critter have a good attorney! Amen.
my only desire is you to emerge from within my shell –
You asked for it…
And the award goes to…
eating cereal out of a ass – All of a sudden, “Toilet Cereal” doesn’t seem like that disgusting of an image, does it?
No matter how strange you are, there are always those stranger than you…
I don’t want to know how that milk is poured in…
Before we get to the final two categories, let’s roll off a few search terms that deserve inclusion, but didn’t really fit into any of my award themes this year…
random four guys – Is this a new restaurant chain?
Hey, these lads seem pretty random.
feliz navidad everyone gets up – Of course everyone got up… that fucking song is a piece of ass!
Goddamn blind bastard…
yay its friday but i work saturday – Welcome to the wonderful world of the service industry! Don’t make any Thanksgiving plans…
the lion sleeps tonight the tokens version with tuba tuba – I’ll give this person a break for mixing their versions of the song up, but only because “tuba tuba” cracks me up…
Wimoweh! Wimoweh!
weeble wobble girl – They make the rockin’ world go round, all while never falling down….
Happiness is a bowl full of Weebles.
OK ladies and gentlemen! Please, send the kids out to the arcade and possum petting zoo for a few minutes, because it’s time for the Sandy Awards to get a little freaky!
And now to see what our favorite tissue consumers were looking for with their one free hand…
share a coke with hussy – Even hussies deserve a nice soda/pop/coke/fizzy drink/kidney stone generator every now and then.
girl drink her own boobs milk – It’s probably more wholesome than some of that crap they sell at the grocery store.
It does a body good!
pud pulling tumblr – Isn’t that a bit redundant?
sexy hearing aid – Words said by no one…. ever.
That may have worked on Eva Gabor, but Hungarians have strange fetishes…
www . boys r milking my big boobs – See what all those milk ads in the 80’s did? They turned boys into milk craving machines who will stop at nothing to get their calcium fix…
the little koala pantyshot – Sorry, but that was the wrong kind of anime for you, hentai freak. Might I recommend you try searching for Pom Poko instead…
Marsupials are sexy.
make out with me.possum – Someone just got awfully excited…
Come and get it!
And the award goes to…
cartoon crab fucking a scorpion – Because what fun is sex without a pair of pincers and a stinger?
Out of our way! We’re heading down to get it on with the scorps!
What goes on at Red Lobster needs to stay at Red Lobster.
And finally (please hold your applause!) for everyone’s favorite Sandys category…
The category for the searches that just defy any rational explanation. If you can figure out what any of these people were looking for, please….. PLEASE just keep it to yourself…
evil scorpio bookmark – Whatever happened to wanting a naked Wonder Woman bookmark?
rain gauge in action –
Exciting, isn’t it?
song government in the morning government in the evening government at suppertime – There are other channels besides C-SPAN, you know…
alligator looking into a microscope – Google has officially just become a crazy game of Mad Libs.
brony sparkling wine – Because Bronies really need something else that will help them lower their already non-existent inhibitions…
Rarity, you little tramp…
message talk about capples between mini and lame –
squirrel blowtorch – Fire breathing squirrels would make Smokey the Bear have a stroke…
And the award goes to…
yeah g’day mate whos your mate mate if i change my name to mate i’ll let you know mate – Dude…. lay off the Fosters! Mates don’t let mates drink and search…
Joey! Have you been messing around on my smartphone again!?!?
Now that all of the major awards have been doled out to the undeserving, we can finally get down to the best of the best, the creme de la creme, the unicorn of the unicorns… it’s time to award the Sandy for the best search term of the 2015!
In each of the first three yearly shows, the Best Search Sandy has gone to something more than a little risque, and that shouldn’t really be a surprise being as how many of the best searches I receive are often just as preverted as I am. But this year there has finally been an upset! With no real homerun winner like I had last year, I wound up focusing in on one set of terms that won me over not in a Beavis and Butthead kind of way, but because it was so damn adorably cute I couldn’t help but lavish it with my blog’s highest honor!
And the winner is…………
Drum roll please, Hottie…
cartoon raccoon nose honk – Really, how fucking adorable, right? As cute as cartoon coons can be, going up to one and squeezing its little sniffer is as gushingly sweet as it is totally fucked up! And as a bonus, it dredges up great memories of the climactic fight scene in The Karate Kid II. We’ll let Sandy deliver this award personally to The Nest’s designated raccoon, Robbie…
Congratulations, cutie! Don’t do anything with this award that I wouldn’t…
No, don’t ask. I don’t just give out nose honks to anybody…
Well, it looks like we overshot our allotted airtime by about 10 hours, but nobody’s complaining since we merely pre-empted another Presidential candidate debate. We hope you enjoyed this year’s gut busting look into the bizarre world of search term madness that is The Sandy Awards! Let’s hope 2016 is an even better year for more internet craziness to land on The Nest’s stats page!
Now I don’t mind so much that I couldn’t sleep. But I’m not sure I should admit that. 😉
The search terms are one of the guilty pleasures of blogging, and I totally own it!
You absolutely define “owning it”! 🙂
my head feels like a bee hive today, but you brought the laughter back… thanks for a great post, you deserved an award too: the hangover-away-award :O)
Woohoo! Does that award come with a nose honk as well?
Ken ain’t got no junk…no junk in his trunk!
Barbie went to desperate measures to ensure nothing would ever mess with her perfect figure…
No wonder! What a bitch!
Aaaahhhh, go away evil Oxford comma!!!!11
Didn’t you agree to a warning before one innocently scrolled down to a cereal toilet picture?
Yoga pants and chainz will be my new mantra this year….
Well, the search term that inspired its usage should have been warning enough that it was coming up. Maybe I coulda added some spoiler space…
Hooray for yoga pants, chainz, and Oxford commas!!!!!11
I laughed over so many things in this post that I can’t even keep track. LOL = lots of laughing, in this case. People are so freakin’ weird!
I hope they continue being weird for many years to come! This is my absolute favorite post to write each year… even if it is the length of three normal ones!
Every year when I read these, I think I should actually pay attention and see what terms my followers use … and then I promptly forget and another year just rolls around. However, I think you need at least one award for the proper spelling of a word in a WTF search:
“rain gauge in action”
That’s a double WTF with a CORRECT spelling of gauge. THAT is remarkable in its fuckeduppedness. Happy New Year. I hope.
Every time I go to type “gauge” I always try to spell it “guage”… and as soon as the “gua” hits the screen my brain instantly recognizes that doesn’t look right. But i continue to type it that way the first time again and again and again…. so I agree, props to the searcher for spelling it right!
With all of your hits and even wider variety of topics, I’ll bet you get some even doozier search terms than I get! Maybe you could assign keeping track of the search terms to one of the dogs…
You can’t trust the dogs. They lie. Like dogs. But maybe I’ll try to remember to make a folder and just put clips in it. Something to write about when my brain is jellified. Oy. I haven’t even figured out what I’m packing to take to Arizona. I can’t believe we’re leave in 3 days and I’m hopelessly lost. Hopeless.
The Sandy Awards always crack me up!! Happy New year funny guy! ❤
Happy New Year to you all down under! Or is it almost 2017 already on that side of the date line? 😉
Happy,,healthy and successful 2016 to you !! going bonkers with all those sandy awards 🙂
Thanks, and a wonderful New Year to you as well! I used your Buster as a prop in my Christmas play I posted here right before Christmas! He looked plump and juicy, just like a Christmas possum should! 😉
Hee hee “squirrel blowtorch” 🙂 I have no use for a blowtorch but if it came in the shape of a squirrel I might get one anyway.
It would certainly be funny to see…
I have no idea why somebody searched that, but I do know where it led them to on my blog. I did a post waaaaay back in my early days mocking a real life story of a man who wound up burning down his entire apartment complex when he tried to defur a squirrel he was going to cook using a blowtorch. The idiot got just what he deserved!
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