Treet Yourself!

So how come there isn’t a show called “Treetalot?”

Thanks to WordPress using a wonderful program called Akismet, 99.9% of the spammy crap that shady people from across the world try to post on your blog instead ends up in this virtual purgatory to die a slow, painful and unnoticed death.  Many of these cast off messages are blatantly scammy and/or ineptly comical.  Three times before in the past (2012, 2014, 2015), I have dug up some of the best worst messages that WP decided to screen for me so that we can all have a few cheap laughs at the expense of some schmuck in Nigeria who took English as a fifteenth language…

Buy my ¢iali$! Cheep!

Because I feel for Spam’s unheralded cousin in the canned meat aisle, I lovingly refer to these blog spam comments as “Treet.”  And since I noticed an uptick in the entertainment value of my spam folder lately, I’m ready to roll out edition number four of my tribute to Treet!  Let’s see what the morons of the world wanted to say on The Nest, only to end up getting pitched in the dumpster along with all the dead possums.  And remember folks, keep those credit card and social security numbers locked tightly away!

You can trust me! I’m with the gummint!

tuổi ti . com wrote:

Heya i’m for the primary time here. I found this board and I to find It truly useful & it helped me out much. I am hoping to give one thing back and help others such as you aided me.

Gee thanks…. I guess.  I have to say, though, that your primary message makes me feel kind of lousy rather than cheerful.  I don’t necessarily strive to be a role model, but it’s disheartening to think that others have been picking up my poor grammar and spelling skills just from reading my board…. er, blog.  I only ask that if you give one thing back, please….. PLEASE make it your shitty syntax.

Oh wait, maybe there’s still hope for you as a video game programmer!

Kartik Cargo Packers and Movers wrote:

Greetings! I’ve been reading your website for a long time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Dallas Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the good job!

Salutations!  I’ve been laughing at your comment for a long time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and mock the shit out of it from The Nest!  Just wanted to say keep up the lousy job!

How Dallas Tx moves.

BrianSit wrote:

Be ready for roadblocks when you use lots of vouchers from the store. You will almost certainly use a cashier who can say that they can’t acknowledge several of your own coupons. To aid your result in, you must print out that store’s coupon plan and provide it along with you. Suggest to them in which it states that you can use it. Be sure to stay polite and respectful.

Jesus, don’t the police have enough to do without having to set up roadblocks to check for people who are using too many coupons!?  You know, if stores were allowed to have a customer courtesy advocate on duty to take care of skinflint, self-centered shoppers who seem to enjoy holding up the checkout line, this wouldn’t be a problem to begin with.  Let the cops go back to harassing speeders while the CCA takes care of tasing old ladies who count pennies at the register…

The Customer Courtesy Advocate has no duty to be polite and respectful to you, bitch!

madden nfl 18 coins ps4 wrote:

No one can do it better than you.

vans cars wrote:

Nevertheless, wearing the feather boa isn’t just like wearing the t-shirt. It is not for daily utilize, if you do not wish to wander around the pavement becoming so trendy. Would like own feather boa? Under will be the buying guide for sensible and stylish feather boa searching:

Ummmm, you may want to check out that link I excluded from your comment, because it appears to be for a knockoff shoe site instead of a feather boa emporium.  Still, you bring up a good point as I never thought of feather boas as everyday attire for the pavement either.  I generally save mine to wear only for special occasions like weddings, job interviews and marching in pride parades.  But if the feather boa is really going to become trendy for daily utilize, then I just might have to dig it out of the closet more often and unleash my inner Ric Flair…

Trendy and fabulous. WOOOOOO!!!!!

JerryTer wrote:

Good afternoon Fuck me like a slut and cum on my face my nickname (Lidochka30)

squirrel shocked

GASP!

Holy shit!!!!  That’s it… the feather boa comes off and stays in the closet for good this time!

Contessa wrote:

I’m really impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself? Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it’s rare to see a nice blog like this one these days..

Thanks Contessa.  You are so much more polite and respectful than Jerry was.  I’m glad you like the layout of my fancy schmancy blog!  It’s a seven year old free default WordPress theme that I was too lazy to ever change and that hardly anybody even uses anymore.  I’m surprised it even still works…. but then again, I’m just as shocked to see a generic spam comment without enough errors in it to put an English teacher in a straitjacket…

Don’t worry, I already keeled over after reading Jerry’s comment.

JameserNop wrote:

Ear infections may be more common in children than in adults, but grown-ups are silent susceptible to these infections. Distinguishable from babyhood appreciation infections, which are time after time two a penny and pass swiftly, matured taste infections are as often as not signs of a more sincere vigour problem.
If you’re an adult with an appreciation infection, you should repay wind up notoriety to your symptoms and consort with your doctor.

You know I dutifully read The New England Journal of Medicine every month, and I have to admit this is the first time I’ve ever heard of ear infections being linked to erectile dysfunction.  Just what are these people with matured taste and appreciation infections sticking in their ears anyway!?!?  And does this explain Jerry’s odd behaviour?  I hope I’m not silently susceptible to this frightening problem…

I better consort with my doctor…

And finally……….

Herschel wrote:

Final WARNING gz from Antifa. STOP posting racist, sexist and homophobic content on your fascist blog or we WILL hack it. We know people within the Democratic party. We are NecroPedoSadoMaso ud. Fck fascism.

Oh geez…. it was the gay joke I made regarding the feather boa, wasn’t it?  Look, I’m sorry!  Really, I am!  Please don’t hack me, and whatever you do…. PLEASE don’t tell the Democratic party on me!!!  Al Gore would shut down the internet if he saw some of the things I’m posting!  In fact, how about we come to an understanding!  If you don’t tell the Dems about my fascist blog, I won’t tell the GOP about your interest in dead child bondage sex.  Deal?

All of a sudden, Jerry’s not sounding so bad…

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand with that, it’s time to put some aluminum foil over The Nest’s big can of Treet before it grows mold and gives us all a matured taste infection.  I hope you enjoyed today’s look into the bizarre, unexplainable world of internet spam comments.  I’ll be sure to do this again sometime in the fut….

.

.

.

.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!

president bill clinton

Alright, that’s enough! I’m shutting down this fascist blog once and for all! All you critters… clear out now, ya hear?  But Mitzi….. you can stay!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrel Droppings and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Treet Yourself!

  1. Thank heavens, WordPress looks out for us. Damn those foreign bots anyway. Even when they are slightly entertaining, at least when there’s nothing on TV or anything else to do. 😎 I just want to know why there’s no emoticon with a boa?

  2. I have never heard of “Treet” in my life (“Virginia baked ham ‘taste'”? WTF…) but found your responses to the spam folder missives HILLARIOUS! I second ‘Contessa’ on this one, you do have some “nice quality writing” on your blog. ;-).

    I’m afraid to look at what my WordPress ‘Treet’ looks like…good grief.

    • The Treet folder isn’t normally this full of ripe material… lately it had been mostly full of foreign jibberish, links you’d never want to click on, or stuff that made so little sense it wasn’t even mockable. Since a lot of these spams get sent out en masse, you probably have a lot of the same “material” I do. Treat yourself to a feather boa!

  3. First of all, let me say this about that:

    “I like your helpful tips anyone give with your articles. I most certainly will search for your blog plus examine just as before below often Trash haul off. I am considerably a number of I shall be up to date lots of brand-new goods appropriate in this article! Enjoy for an additional!”

    Otherwise, as my OTHER 20 Spambots said today: “Need a fuck friend tonight?”

    If I did, would I look for one in my SPAM folder?

  4. franhunne4u says:

    The only Treet /spam-comments I get on my blog are from somebody with linux in their blogname who sends cryptical messages like: Daddy wins!? The twins declared.

    I am still at a loss what this meant …

  5. Merbear74 says:

    I must enjoy saying to yous blog is best on the nets, please not ever stop, us peoples need you long time.

  6. Quirky Girl says:

    While you are clearly inspiring others in all aspects of life, from linking ear infections to erectile dysfunction, to evidently actively promoting the horrid usage of illogically improper grammar, I’m forced to ponder a couple of things:

    1) What is going on with the sudden influx of JerryTer-like comments flooding my spam folder lately? It’s rather disturbing.

    2) Why am I not inspiring random spammers to compliment my lovely blog/feather boas/couponing skills? This greatly concerns me.

    Perhaps if I be righting my blog of different way, I do be getting comments of entertaining and flattery of me appealing to of more diverse spammingers.

    • Ha! I found about 6 or 7 messages just like the JerryTer one that all linked back to the same dating porn site, and debated over which was the best one to use. I guess they are targeting a very wide audience. The madden 18 single phrase “compliments” (Not all of them were praiseworthy!) were another common theme as I went through my folder… but the feather boa and ear infection messages were unique. I’m not sure what I’m doing right (or wrong!), but I sure do get some real doozies trying to spam me!

  7. Trisha says:

    Wow. Obviously the people who hire spammers do not know English well enough to check on the quality of the work they’re paying for. What could they possibly achieve with this nonsense?

    I’m sure glad I don’t have a babyhood appreciation infection so I don’t have to consort with my doctor. I would sure hate to have to repay wind up notoriety. Or, is repaying wind up notoriety a good thing? Hmmmm……

    • Most of the random, illogical, grammatically insane messages don’t even link back to anything… so it’s puzzling why those even exist in the first place. At least I know what Jerry was trying to bait me into clicking on, even if it would be the last website in the world I would want to visit! I consorted with my doctor, and he told me to get myself a feather boa so my wind up notoriety would feel much better!

  8. noelleg44 says:

    Hysterical…and kind of pathetic. Too bad these messages give a bad name to the real Spam. Have you seen the varieties they have on the shelves in Hawaii?

  9. draliman says:

    I’m pretty sure I have an appreciation infection and since the last doctor I saw was pretty cute I shall be consorting with her forthwith.

  10. It never ceases to amaze me when I see the types of spam we get – it’s as entertaining as seeing what the “key words” are people use to find us. Gives new meaning to the word “entertainment” and I think some of my favorites are still the spam posts that are six paragraphs full of weird links to God only knows what. I’m wearing my boa to the dentist today – it’s not feathery though – it’s of the constrictor variety. HAHAHA

    Pam

  11. Oh, the joys of the Spam/Treet/unidentifiable tinned imitation meat product folder! I suspect you attract more because you post regularly, and on a fairly variable subject matter.

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