I guess it could use a fresh coat of paint…

It is a proven fact that television series usually peak around their third season, so we’re hoping that aging curve also applies to blogging features as The Nest kicks off its third run of Prompt the Squirrel Fridays today!  Yep, once again, we added a nifty Roman numeral to the well worn series badge… and we only pray that isn’t one of those exclusive trademarks of the (BLEEP) Bowl that will cause the NFL to sue us for more acorns than we’ll ever see in our life…

PTS3 now has its official page where you can keep track of all the fun, and if you’ll notice, there aren’t many names on it yet.  Please, please, PLEASE get your prompt (singular, one to a customer please!) in by using the contact form in this post, and take part in this yearly WordPress tradition that will make you the envy of all your followers!  And if you did send in a prompt and aren’t listed there, please let me know as I’m aware of one issue a blogger is having with getting the contact form to work for them.  I want to make sure nobody is left out of getting to prod me with their mental taser…

And please, show no mercy.

Batting leadoff for PTS this year will be longtime Nest follower Ally Bean, who sent us this lovely suggestion that had our tacky staff quivering in our nuts…

You received a message from Better Nests & Gardens telling you that your nest will be featured in an upcoming issue of the magazine. Obviously this means that it’s time to redecorate the nest, so it’ll be at its best for the photo shoot. How will you go about making the nest look presentable, while staying true to your own sciurine aesthetic?

Uh oh…. time to load up the dumpster…

There are many ways in which one could call me a tightwad without me being able to seek legal recourse and sue them for slander.  I have my frivolities I tend to spend my hard earned cash on, but one of them sure as hell isn’t interior design.  When I moved into my nest eight years ago, I had to pretty much furnish it from scratch… and was very fortunate to have some people I know more than willing to bequeath me their junk gently used hand me downs for the dirt cheap price of just taking it off their hands.  Now you might not think that’s necessarily a bad thing for someone just starting out on their own, but the truth is that I still have and use every bit of that furniture I got gratis, with zero intention of ever replacing it barring anything achieving complete unusability…

Or just not having any room to sit on it anymore…

But I guess if Better Nests and Gardens is going to stop by, their photographer may have a heart attack when they notice the duct tape decor I use to cover up those nasty cat scratches.  So we better start looking for some alternatives and not spare any expense…

Which will be easy since this is just an exercise in blogging, and I’m not, like, really having to waste my precious money on gaudy eye candy.

So the scratched to hell and taped up chair has to go, no matter how comfortable it is for me and my cats.  Let’s dig really deep online to find something to replace it with.  Ahhhh…..

Would someone push me to the icebox for a soda?

What better way to show the refined readership of Better Nests and Gardens that I work in the anti-glamorous world of retail than with a shopping cart chair!  Sure, it looks like it might be a tad uncomfortable… but I can throw my squirrel themed throw pillows on it to help keep my back from completely going out on me.  Hopefully this comes complete with one of those crappy little strap in seat belts that serves no purpose other than to get the thick buckles wedged in the cart’s metal slots and make the seat impossible to open up.  I’m pretty sure those shopping cart safety belts have saved just as many lives as warning labels have…

The less we encourage Darwinism, the more stupid people we will have in the future…

Well, it looks like that sectional sofa I rescued from an alley isn’t going to cut it for The Nest’s showcase day either.  Yeah, it might make a great alternate bed for both me and my cats, but our guests could possibly have issues with whether it was ever used as a stray animal’s toilet… so out into my ditch it goes!  Bring in the new couch, boys!

It’s Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!

What better way to embody my tiger blood than with this ferocious looking glorified bench that will probably just scare my cats under the bed.  Don’t worry, I was assured by the manufacturer that no actual tigers were harmed in the making of this striped couch.  As long as he keeps getting fed a steady diet of spare change and lost remotes, my tiger couch will never actually come to life and maul me……………. will he?

Of course not!

Oh dear, my kitchen!  That dining room table couldn’t scream bland louder if it was a 90’s rock song.  I can’t even tell what the floor is underneath all of the dirt and stray cat kibble.  What am I going to do with this mess before the self appointed arbiters of taste show up at my door?  Oooh, I got it!

Anyone for some Easy Bake hash brownies?

Most Better Nests and Gardens readers probably have children or otherwise adore little fucking hellions.  Why not show off my sensitive side as well with this awesome kitchen designed around the idealized playground of a five year old girl.  I can serve tea and cake and mudpies… and make it look like I think highly of children rather than just want to cook them on my stove and serve them to the hungry possums…

You’re so cute! I could just eat you up…

Now on to the bedroom….. dammit Mitzi!  Off the bed!  No, you don’t own Fridays anymore, I’m sorry.  And clean that up before you leave!  Thank you.  Now this eight year old bed I bought from a furniture “outlet” that conveniently happens to be located next to a railyard where trains are often parked.  No, it won’t do.  Let’s find something a bit trendier that will make it look like I actually care about style…

Well that gives new meaning to rolling around in the sheets…

This hamster wheel turned into a bed looks like the perfect way to clear out more space to hoard stuff while also adding a bit of fucked up flair to my bedroom.  So what if I should wake up one morning and find I’m rolling down the highway because I forgot to put on the parking brake?  This bed reminds me of that one ride that was at every shitty carnival that only the fucking insane people would have ever gotten on, the Rock O Plane.  You know what ride I’m talking about…

The one that made it possible to do THIS 50 feet above all of your more sane friends.

Well, I think that should make The Nest look like a home for our big spread…… OH NO!!!  The bathroom!!!!  It’s….. it’s…..

Slightly cleaner than my real bathroom.

We need some new porcelain in the privy!  FAST!  Ah, this is just the thing….

I’ll never have to leave my comfy chair again!

This faux leather easy chair toilet is the perfect bathroom essential for doing our daily routine in style and comfort!  Don’t worry, I have plenty of Pledge wipes to take care of any messy backsplash.  Even better, I’ll never have to get up and miss those exciting commercials anymore, which are the best part of any TV program!  Yes, we definitely think the Better Nests and Gardens readership will just fawn all over our practical yet thoroughly modern and stylish commode…

DING! DONG!

We’re here to take pictures of your rat’s….. er, I mean squirrel’s nest!

Well, my public awaits!  I thank Ally Bean for this wonderful chance to give my nest a much needed facelift.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I promise to come back with another fashionable reader prompt that all of the hipsters will be totally trying to copy off of next Friday…