Year Of The Raccoon

Pictured above is the newest edition to The Shelf.  I scooped him up out of the claw machine at the Mecca entrance while picking up prescriptions literally one hour ago, joining Big Scrat in the very small group of critters I’ve won via the world’s biggest vending ripoff.  This Valentine’s Day themed raccoon says in multiple places that he was made in China, thus fitting in with the fake Chinese zodiac theme of my title.  His expression is a bit weird, and he looks like he has one of the worst cases of critter cameltoe in existence (perhaps he’s a she?)… plus he can’t sit up without support, making it unlikely he’ll be appearing in many episodes of Shelf Critter Theatre (should I actually start making SCT stories again).

Oh well, he’s certainly another unique addition to The Nest’s fine collection of crazy critters…

FUZZYWIG: Well well, look what the squirrel dragged in… another raccoon.  Lovely.  You know, only Snuggle Bear can get away with the fruity ear tag fashion statement.  I guess it’s going to be up to me to show you the ropes around here… I don’t want you giving us cute little coons a bad reputation.  But first…

FUZZYWIG: …Good stuff!  It’s our little 4:20 ritual around these parts.  Go ahead and take a nice big puff and hold it in, you know you want to…

RICKY: Nooooooo!!!  Don’t do it, brother raccoon!  The wacky weed is truly evil, and it is up to I, the most pious critter on the Shelf, to keep all new members from succumbing to such sinful temptations!

FUZZYWIG: Gee, I forgot not all of us raccoons at The Nest are actually cool.  Don’t listen to this square Jesus freak.  Have yourself a toke… it’s God’s plant after all.

RICKY: I will pray for your soul, O Nameless One…

Uh oh.  Looks like our new critter’s already found himself at the center of one of The Shelf’s fucked up good vs. evil tug of wars.  Whatever will he do?

FUZZYWIG: Dude!  That was either one hell of a hallucination, or The Flash just swooped by and carried off our newbie.

RICKY: It was probably lightning from Above that missed it’s intended target raccoon.

FUZZYWIG: Whatever.  I wonder what happened to him….?

MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!!!  You are so KYOOOOOOOOT!!!!  And you totally have pwetty heart tramp stamps all over just like Mitzi does!!!  I like you!  Wanna do it?

So, Nameless Newbie Raccoon… what do you think of your new home, The Shelf?

I think he likes it….


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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18 Responses to Year Of The Raccoon

  1. Quirky Girl says:

    Who needs Year of the Pig when you can substitute a goofy raccoon? Not that the type of critter matters all that much where Mitzi is concerned…

    • What did the pig ever do to get a year named after it? My critter zodiac would be a whole lot different than the Chinese one. And Mitzi would be romantically compatible with all 12 sectors of it…

  2. draliman says:

    Corrupted in mere seconds. Poor guy never stood a chance…

  3. ghostmmnc says:

    Aww newbie is cute! Nice of the neighbors to share the good stuff with him right off. 🙂

  4. franhunne4u says:

    Can’t wait for your next episode … I start missing it.

    • I’m going to try to make an episode this morning… though I’ve said that the last four Friday mornings I’ve missed as well. I do need to make an episode to promote my contest this month, though…

  5. Ally Bean says:

    You have a Jesus freak raccoon. This has escaped my notice up until now. I’m not surprised that you have it, but am amazed that such a thing exists. This changes nothing, of course…

    • Ricky hasn’t appeared very often, mainly because a raccoon who looks like he’s praying (He’s actually not, but you can’t tell without looking close) doesn’t fit in well with my bunch of hooligans. And I think there is no chance he will make them, or me see the light…

  6. UH…. i don’t think I’ll EVER recover from the sight of a horny Unicorn having her evil way with that innocent (*snicker*) raccoon. Inter-species boinkies… not for everyone, but that ‘coon got the way of things around your nest in short order! Both look very vEry well satisfied….wacky tabakky or not..

    • The legend of Mitzi has been carrying my Shelf Critter act since it started a couple years ago. I think she’s boinked just about everyone so far. As far as welcome wagons go, I’d say The Nest has one that can’t be beat. But once you get suckered in by all the sex and drugs, it’s all downhill from there…

  7. I see he (or she) has had the official initiation courtesy of Mitzi – I guess it’s too late for him or her to escape. When Mitzi thinks someone (or thing) is KYOOOOT, it’s all over but the crying.

    pee ess My entry in the contest is on the blog today – I linked up

  8. what a super welcome ritual from Mitzi… my dad said she has the best ideas… but we think it would look odd if he would do such things with a plush unicorn… he is a human… no dog…

  9. Head shaking…Mitzi, Mitzi, Mitzi. Let the little guy get used to the cray, cray before you jump his bones.

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