An Acorn In Every Pot!

There's a WHAT on the lawn?  Are you stoned again, Biden?

There’s a WHAT on the lawn? Are you stoned again, Biden?

prompt logoWelcome to the first post in what I am hoping is a very long series I plan on running every Friday where I’m turning to my readers for inspiration!  So far, I’ve had nine responses to my call for Friday prompts… enough to just make it into the month of June.  But I want this to carry on into and even through the summer!  Each of my readers is being given a chance to submit one idea for a Friday post, and if you haven’t done so yet… here’s the link to the post where you can officially get in on the fun!  Come on, everyone!  Give a squirrel something to blog about!

Ooooh! We're online now!

Check this out, MBRS! Someone wants to see you do a swimsuit post!

I have decided to somewhat randomly choose the order I do the prompts in… so don’t be alarmed if you were one of the first ones in and I still haven’t used your idea by July.  I will get to everyone’s submission in the fullness of time.  For the first post in this series, I chose the idea that Juliette sent to me.  She intertwines supernatural fiction with down to earth parenting advice on her blog, The Vampire Maman.  I would highly suggest you check out her most excellent contents…

Nor can Vampire Possum.

Anyone who loves possums is a winner in my book!

Juliette actually sent me two prompts, so I chose the one I liked best, which is also the first one she submitted…

“You’re just in time to start your Squirrel for President campaign. Throw that bushy tail into the ring and RUN FOR IT. Hey, I’m running from it so… anyway, you should run FOR it. I can’t think of anyone smarter or cuter or more chock full of common sense or plain NUTS as a squirrel. And isn’t being NUTS a requirement for being president? You’ll get the Vampire and Werewolf vote. I’m not sure about the Zombies – but hey, most politicians don’t have much in the area of brains.”

The zombies aren't paying any attention to the election anyway...

The zombies aren’t paying any attention to the election anyway…

Hmmmm…. Evil Squirrel in 2016?  Is America ready for a bushy tailed President?  Can we convert human years into squirrel years to make ES meet the age 35 requirement?

squirrel drivers license

He may be able to fool the bartenders, but not the ruthless media.

I’m actually pretty disenchanted with politics in general, and Presidential elections in particular.  Since the Electoral College system makes our votes only worth as much as everyone else who resides in our home state, it’s a race I often boycott due to its inherent unfairness.  Hell, in 2012 I voted for Buster Possum…. no really, I did.  Living in a state where the outcome was a foregone conclusion long before those maps on the news started lighting up in red and blue, it was a meaningless vote anyway.  I might as well give myself the privilege to say one of my fictional characters received an actual popular vote for President of the United States…

He didn't win, but he had a great time at the concession speech party.

He didn’t win, but he had a great time at the concession speech party.

OK, so we know I would vote for Evil Squirrel, and Juliette assures us our sciurine would get the vampire and werewolf vote.  But what about the rest of the nation?  What will they think of Evil Squirrel’s campaign platform?  Come to think of it… maybe we should figure out just where we’re going to stand on the issues before throwing our tail into the ring…

vote for buster!

So we have plenty of time to flip flop when the pundits grill us on how evil our stance is.

On Health Care:  While Evil Squirrel can’t promise to make health care more affordable, he will vow to make therapy squirrels accessible to everyone, regardless of their income level.  Evilcare will ensure that a trained, certified therapy squirrel will assist all patients in comforting them during their time of ill health, and lift them out of the throes of depression when the bill comes.  While therapy squirrels aren’t FDA approved to cure even cold sores, they will fill your life with cuteness and distract you from the fact that your spleen is about to melt down.

And the government's therapy squirrel website will never get overloaded.

And the government’s therapy squirrel website will never crash.

On Terrorism:  Unlike his opponents, Evil Squirrel is staunchly against terrorism.  ES knows that conventional methods of warfare do not work against those who wish to destroy our way of life.  If elected, ES will use his powers as Squirrel in Chief to blare the Mecca Muzak soundtrack very loudly into enemy nations until they can get their hatchet men and suicide bombers under control.  Musical warfare for the win…

Who knew that Justin Bieber might one day save the world?

Who knew that Justin Bieber might one day save the world?

On Jobs:  Evil Squirrel will help stimulate job growth by giving everyone their very own free WordPress blog.  Since it is a well know fact that anyone can make money by blogging, poverty will become a thing of the past as blogger after blogger will strike it rich by….. um….. some business model that we’re….. uhhhh…. working on.  Oh, did I mention Evil Squirrel will bring back the old WordPress editor as well?

Evil Squirrel may not be able to fix the world's problems, but he knows how to win over the voters.

Evil Squirrel may not have a clue what he’s doing, but he knows how to win over the voters.

On Interspecies Marriage:  Evil Squirrel firmly believes that if two critters love each other enough, regardless of their species or gender, they should be given the same rights as others to make the horrendous mistake of getting married.

who doesn't love furry lesbians?

We’ll kiss to that.

On Gun Control:  It is a well know fact that squirrels dislike guns.  However, Evil Squirrel does believe all critters have a right to bear arms.  So if elected, ES will have all guns and ammunition confiscated and made into collectible Civil War chess sets.  The populace will, however, have unfettered access to all of the acorns and pine cones it can throw.  Certified training courses will be offered by the government to learn how to safely handle these weapons of mass destruction, as well as improve one’s chances of hitting an unsuspecting target right between the eyes…

They'll take my acorns only when they climb up this tree and take them from my cold, dead paws.

They’ll take my acorns only when they climb up this tree and take them from my cold, dead paws.

On Education:  Evil Squirrel thinks that the quality of our children’s education needs to be improved drastically.  Therefore, ES will support legislation to make year round schooling mandatory.  Parents will be surprised how much their children will learn when they drop them off for their first day of kindergarten without being allowed to pick them back up until the day they graduate from high school.

An America with no more kids on our lawn is a happy America indeed.

An America with no more kids on our lawn is a happy America indeed.

Oops, we’ve been so busy planning Evil Squirrel’s stance on the pressing issues our nation faces, that we forgot that he’ll need a running mate!  Someone who has no purpose on the ticket, and is only an attempt to attract more different groups of voters to our side.  Someone will charisma, personality, likeability, and most of all, someone who’s a fucked up mess…

Welcome aboard, Admiral!

Welcome aboard, Admiral!

We here at The Nest have long looked up to Admiral James Stockdale, and are happy to announce that he has accepted our invitation to be Evil Squirrel’s running mate in 2016!  The fact that he’s now deceased shouldn’t be a deterrent… I mean, he’s only going to be running for Vice President.  Look at some of the Veeps we’ve had recently…. were any of them in any way relevant?  Important?  Did we even know they were alive?

Hey!  At least I can spell "potatoe!"

Hey! At least I can spell “potatoe!”

And so in conclusion, on behalf of the Nutty Party, we hope you will take the time next November to vote for Evil Squirrel for President!  While we can’t promise hope, we can guarantee you Evil will have plenty of audacity.  And that giant sucking sound you’re hearing won’t be our jobs going south of the border, it’ll just be our interns going south…

bill clinton squirrel

The dress isn’t blue and white, it’s white and gold… trust me!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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31 Responses to An Acorn In Every Pot!

  1. draliman says:

    You would definitely have my vote if I was in America! Maybe I can get a postal vote or something? Your anti-terrorism stance is a winner and your “old editor” promise will win you the support of the entire WP community.
    Congratulations, Mr President!

    • Evill Squirrel also believes in the right of all citizens to vote, whether or not they live in America…. whether or not they’re even citizens of America…. whether or not they’re even human! I shall send you a ballot or 200….

  2. oh that means I can marry my daddy’s pillow? great! I would vote for you and I’m sure every “uhoh!-muzak” would be banned from the radio… and we probably had the funniest commercials ever and guys like the german trivago guy would land in jail or “6 feet under”…

  3. Ally Bean says:

    Wonderful platform and inspired running mate. You had my vote at the therapy squirrel idea. Then to fight terrorism with Justin Bieber music is genius. You can count on the House of Bean voting the straight Nutty Party ticket.

  4. JackieP says:

    Hey, I’m in Canada, but that’s only an extension of the US, right? So you have my vote! Go get ’em!

  5. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I want to plan the inauguration party! Lot’s of ‘Murica references and remixes of “God Bless the USA”!

    In all seriousness, I am dreading every day closer to 2016 just because of the elections and the hoopla involved.

  6. Mental Mama says:

    The horrendous mistake of getting married is right, so fucking right. And I love the idea of music warfare. If I had to listen to Justin Bieber for more than 30 seconds I’d probably kill whatever was closest to me.

    • I seriously can’t believe we didn’t try it again after it was so successful at fleshing Manuel Noriega out. Maybe we just need bunker busting music…. I’ll bet Iggy Azalea’s songs could permeate ten feet of steel…

  7. I’d vote for ES just to get the old editor back. I have recently learned that I am a Prominent Blogger. I think you are also a Prominent Blogger. Maybe we can base a political movement on our Prominence. Anyway, you have my vote. My motto? Vote early, vote often.

    • Hmmmmm… what is the criteria to be a Prominent Blogger? Who sets the criteria, and who watches the watchmen? These are all issues I’ll have to add to ES’s political agenda…

  8. markbialczak says:

    I vote for you on the Old WP platform, ESN. 🙂

  9. Never mind next year in the US, can ES come to the UK NOW as we’ve got our elections less than a month away?

    • I would worry about his electability in the UK…. especially being a grey squirrel and all. I can picture Prince Chuck hiding on the grassy knoll as ES whizzed by in his motorcade…

      • But if he came and taught the greys to live in harmony with the reds, he’d become a patron saint or something. And Charles would be more likely to take ES out on a shoot and then there be an “accident”, than anything so crass and American as an assassination! 😉

  10. Pingback: Going nuts? Just ask a squirrel. | TheDustSeason

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