Who Needs An Elf?


My friend Bacon is running a contest to try and find a worthy home for one of his friends.  That friend just happens to be an elf… and at that, a possible conspirator with the infamous evil Elf on a Shelf of the Hotel Thompson, Don Juan!  As you can see, my shelf is already bursting with friends of my own.  But that never stops me from trying to pick up a new companion to watch me type all these crappy posts on my blog, so I am officially entering Bacon’s contest with this post!  Since I’m lazy I thought it would only be fair to let the current denizens of my shelf make their own case for wanting to welcome Don Juan’s friend into their lives… so I’ll let them take it away from here!


It’s the tire swing squirrel here.  Hanging around on my Goodyear perch makes me the Eye in the Sky over this merry band of misfits on Evil Squirrel’s shelf.  There seems to be a lot of dissension among the natives over the decision to campaign for the elf due to the fact that he might be up to no good.  Ha!  Don’t let these mangy critters fool you.  I’ve seen plenty of naughty things in all my years watching over this flock.  Things that would make your eyes bleed, your heart turn black, and your soul rot.  And who knows how much goes on that I don’t see!  Heck, someone tried cutting the rope that’s keeping me suspended on this tire just last week.  I got a brief glimpse of the culprit, and while the perp had long ears… let’s just say I could tell it wasn’t no elf.  Yeah, evil… it’s already plentiful around these parts, man.  Tire Swing Squirrel over and out…


Hello, my friends.  I’m the Rain Gauge Skunk.  I just quietly go about my business here on the shelf, very patiently waiting for some precipitation to fall into my gauge.  Alas, it never seems to rain indoors.  But last month, I was so excited to see I’d finally had something to measure…. until I saw my tube had been filled full of yellow liquid that was most definitely NOT rain!  Oh, I know the squirrel who did it… and I hope he enjoyed that whiff of my wonderful all natural scent I sprayed his way.  With creeps like him on this shelf, we sure don’t need another troublemaker around like that elf I keep hearing about!


Hello, Buster Possum here!  Let me just say that I’m really pumped up over the opportunity to enter this contest for an elf on the shelf!  I think he’ll be a whole lot of fun, and bring excitement and joy to everyone, and….




Yeah, that was me, Snuggle Bear, driving the car (hic!).  I had to shut that possum up… we don’t need no steenking evil elf to cut in on my action.  I’m the (hic!) naughty one around here… sniffing all of the freshly washed unmentionables, cutting off all the soft and fluffy squirrel tails, stealing the hooch from ES’s (hic!) secret stash!  I’m the Godursine of this corner of the computer room, and anybody who dares to challenge my stranglehold on this turf is gonna be sleeping with the Downy balls in the washer, capiche? (hic!)


I am outraged that ES would even think about wanting to bring such a horrible influence as that elf into our quiet little group.  I have impressionable young Sponkies to watch out for, you know?  They’re good little children, even if they still don’t have names, and I wouldn’t want them to be corrupted by a mischievous little elf who…

SPONKEY BOY: Oops Mom, gotta run!

SPONKEY GIRL: Yep, me too Mommy!  See ya!

Kids!?!?  Hmmm, I wonder what their hurry was….




¡Hola, amigos!  My name’s Fausto Carmona!


Sigh, OK, my name isn’t really Fausto Carmona.  That’s just the name that was on the birth certificate I borrowed when I first signed with the Cleveland Indians to make my age legal.  I’m really Roberto Hernandez, but that’s not important.  What’s important is that we be fair and honest with each other, and it’s because of those values that were instilled in me by my agent mother that compels me to voice my concern over this supposedly “good” elf that ES wants to bring aboard.  I urge everyone… check this elf’s ID, check out his references, see if he has any warrants out for his arrest.  Never trust an elf!  Take it from your buddy Fausto um… Roberto!  You’ll thank me later.


APPLEJACK: Howdy thar, Sugarcubes!

TWILIGHT SPARKLE: Say, AJ!  Did you hear the latest about whose den Scratchy was seen coming out of last night?

AJ: Naw, Princess!  Tell me!

TWILIGHT: You know that ugly skunk two shelves down that looks like he used to work as a chew toy?

AJ: No way!  She hit that!?!?

TWILIGHT:  Yes way!  Man, that mare is such a little hussy!  I’m telling you….


SCRATCHY: You two little gossip queens do know I can hear your vicious rumors, don’t you?

TWILIGHT:  Well… it looks like our little horsie hussy is also an eavesdropper!  With naughty ponehs like Scratchy around, we certainly don’t need to be adding an evil elf to the cast!

AJ: An’ how long before she’d invite herself up to the elf’s North Pole cabin under the pretense of playin’ some Burl Ives records?

SCRATCHY: Grrrrrrrrrrr…..


Hello, I’m the Golden Squirrel.  I’m not a big fan of pranksters, and let me tell you, there are plenty of these jokers hanging around the shelf already!  Just look at what one of them did to me!


They thought it would be funny to give me an exploding acorn.  See what it did?  That’s not funny at all!  That’s a scar that isn’t going to heal, and forever ruins the aesthetic value of my shiny good looks!  You think I wanna see an elf move in on my shelf?  Have you heard about what elves do when nobody’s looking?  I’ll ask to be transferred back to the museum under that lovely safety glass if that little imp were to come ES’s way!


Hello!  We’re the squirrel twins, and we would just like to refute the preposterous notion that there are any wicked shenanigans that go on around here.  I personally would look forward to getting to meet a new neighbor, and I don’t think he would be a bad influence at all on….


SHRIEK!  Someone stole my acorn right out from under my nose!  Did you see who did it?

No, Sis… I don’t know who would think of doing such a thing!  Are you sure it didn’t just roll away while…


LOOK!!!!  They got yours too!!!

Well, this is certainly quite unexpected.  Maybe it would be wise to offer up a recommendation against bringing new blood into our little community until we figure out what is amiss in our….

Dammit, Bro!  I’m going to kick someone’s ass for this!

Oh….. um, you tell ’em, Sis!


Ladies and gentlecritters, as the leader of the gang here on ES’s shelf, I would just ask that you take the advice of our members who have so graciously taken time out of their busy lives just sitting around collect dust, and PLEASE, do NOT support ES’s attempt to connive that pesky little elf from Bacon’s clutches!  I say, let him become someone else’s problem, not ours!  We are a well behaved, good mannered bunch, and we do not need any pointy eared hooligans messing up our friendly atmosphere with their naughty pranks, nor do we need our good-natured furry citizens to come under the malevolent influence of such a despicable elf.

We thank you for your non-support!  Goodbye…



Well, there you have it, everyone!  What do ya say?  I think my group of shelf-dwelling critters more than deserve to be introduced to Don Juan’s elven friend!  If things are this interesting without an elf’s sneaky touch, just think what kinds of adventures would await with him around!  Make a bunch of squirrels, skunks, ponies and baseball players happy… and please vote to bring Don Juan’s smooth and sophisticated friend to Evil Squirrel’s Nest!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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36 Responses to Who Needs An Elf?

  1. You know, has anyone ever mentioned to you that you are one weird blogger? I like that. I do. You make me giggle and in a world full of unpleasant news, a good giggle is probably worth money. I’m not sure how much … but something, surely. And thanks for the shout out 🙂

  2. PigLove says:

    Reblogged this on Piglove and commented:
    Oh dear piggy heavens above. Looks at the captured elf on my desk and really fears for it – snorts. XOXO – Bacon

  3. merbear74 says:

    You are a sick twist, my friend. LOL 🙂

  4. Hahaha! Brilliant post, ES! What a fun shelf… Frankly, I think an elf would be a handy addition. If only too have someone else to blame for all the craziness they are getting up to. Plus, an elf could guard the hooch. I hear they are teetotallers.

  5. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Do you know what you need? More My Little Pony friends!

  6. katsrus says:

    What a fun post. He might have to watch out for the others on that shelf. LOL.
    Sue B

  7. Oh my goodness Buster is darling! Who made him? Golden Squirrel is, well, um, unique. The little salt and pepper squirrels are darling! And of course we ALL love Rainbow Donkey (if you don’t you should leave right now and go have your head examined or spend more time in the woods getting in touch with your cute side.) This was fun. Thanks Evil Squirrel. But you’d better listen to those little creatures before you mix it up too much or you’ll wake up and…oh you don’t want to find out.

    • LOL… when they revolt on me and tie me down to the floor, I at least hope they keep my blog going…

      Buster (who actually also folds out int ES) was YoungAtFifty’s winning entry in my Contest of Whatever back in February. Hey… we’re halfway to the next contest as we speak!

  8. 1jaded1 says:

    I love this…elf would fit right in!

  9. gentlestitches says:

    Awww. Look how big and handsome the Sponkies are getting!! I think an the Elf would make an excellent edition to the shelf! Hee Hee. You are a fun guy ES!!!!

    • LOL… how many guys who are pushing 40 that “play” with stuffed animals and dollies come under the category of fun? I love bringing my warped sense of humor to everything, even playtime! 🙂

  10. I like your friends, specially the possum is super cute… pardon: it WAS super cute :o)

  11. You should totally win! Sparklepony and her sponkicorns were here! Honestly, we could not have picked a better winner for my sparky contest. The tootsie rolls made me laugh out loud, and I haven’t laughed a lot lately. Thanks, ES. I have a lot of posts to catch up on. I especially love the old commercial ones – they should look to those for horror movie ideas.

    • That is what I enjoy doing is making people laugh! I’ll bet you never thought you’d still be seeing SP on my blog almost a year later… and heck, I’ve practically developed a personality…. er ponehality for her through all the stories I’ve worked her into! I love her to pieces!

      I’ve finally gotten to the Regis parts of my Millionaire story, so be sure to check those out!

  12. draliman says:

    Wow, that’s quite the bunch you have living there. I reckon the elf would fit right in!

  13. calipatti says:

    Fun read but I’m grateful for not having your mind. I think it would be painful in there.,

    • I don’t think anyone would really want to change minds with anyone else. We are so used to the way our own operates that it’s nearly impossible to appreciate the way someone else’s mind works. I am just thankful my brain is constantly coming up with ways to keep me happy…

      • calipatti says:

        I would trade my mind for a calm mind, maybe.
        I also have a busy mind that often takes me places that I seem to be the only person there. I’ve enjoyed it but a little normal would be refreshing or bore me.
        If that makes sense.
        Loved your dialogue.

  14. I’m thinking you have enough chaos as it is, and perhaps your critters a correct that you don’t need the elf. However, it could be very fun, especially if said elf started turning up in your weekly cartoons!

  15. youngatfifty says:

    That is some strong pitch for the elf !!! I am sure you will win this elf over to your shelf. Poor Buster, did he survive the roadkill, I wonder 😉

  16. youngatfifty says:

    Would love to have the link to the other post .

  17. Pingback: Elf on the Shelf Submissions – Voting Begins | Piglove

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