My friend Bacon is running a contest to try and find a worthy home for one of his friends. That friend just happens to be an elf… and at that, a possible conspirator with the infamous evil Elf on a Shelf of the Hotel Thompson, Don Juan! As you can see, my shelf is already bursting with friends of my own. But that never stops me from trying to pick up a new companion to watch me type all these crappy posts on my blog, so I am officially entering Bacon’s contest with this post!
Since I’m lazy I thought it would only be fair to let the current denizens of my shelf make their own case for wanting to welcome Don Juan’s friend into their lives… so I’ll let them take it away from here!
It’s the tire swing squirrel here. Hanging around on my Goodyear perch makes me the Eye in the Sky over this merry band of misfits on Evil Squirrel’s shelf. There seems to be a lot of dissension among the natives over the decision to campaign for the elf due to the fact that he might be up to no good. Ha! Don’t let these mangy critters fool you. I’ve seen plenty of naughty things in all my years watching over this flock. Things that would make your eyes bleed, your heart turn black, and your soul rot. And who knows how much goes on that I don’t see! Heck, someone tried cutting the rope that’s keeping me suspended on this tire just last week. I got a brief glimpse of the culprit, and while the perp had long ears… let’s just say I could tell it wasn’t no elf. Yeah, evil… it’s already plentiful around these parts, man. Tire Swing Squirrel over and out…
Hello, my friends. I’m the Rain Gauge Skunk. I just quietly go about my business here on the shelf, very patiently waiting for some precipitation to fall into my gauge. Alas, it never seems to rain indoors. But last month, I was so excited to see I’d finally had something to measure…. until I saw my tube had been filled full of yellow liquid that was most definitely NOT rain! Oh, I know the squirrel who did it… and I hope he enjoyed that whiff of my wonderful all natural scent I sprayed his way. With creeps like him on this shelf, we sure don’t need another troublemaker around like that elf I keep hearing about!
Hello, Buster Possum here! Let me just say that I’m really pumped up over the opportunity to enter this contest for an elf on the shelf! I think he’ll be a whole lot of fun, and bring excitement and joy to everyone, and….
Yeah, that was me, Snuggle Bear, driving the car (hic!). I had to shut that possum up… we don’t need no steenking evil elf to cut in on my action. I’m the (hic!) naughty one around here… sniffing all of the freshly washed unmentionables, cutting off all the soft and fluffy squirrel tails, stealing the hooch from ES’s (hic!) secret stash! I’m the Godursine of this corner of the computer room, and anybody who dares to challenge my stranglehold on this turf is gonna be sleeping with the Downy balls in the washer, capiche? (hic!)
I am outraged that ES would even think about wanting to bring such a horrible influence as that elf into our quiet little group. I have impressionable young Sponkies to watch out for, you know? They’re good little children, even if they still don’t have names, and I wouldn’t want them to be corrupted by a mischievous little elf who…
SPONKEY BOY: Oops Mom, gotta run!
SPONKEY GIRL: Yep, me too Mommy! See ya!
Kids!?!? Hmmm, I wonder what their hurry was….
GASP!!! YOU TWO JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!!!!!
¡Hola, amigos! My name’s Fausto Carmona!
Sigh, OK, my name isn’t really Fausto Carmona. That’s just the name that was on the birth certificate I borrowed when I first signed with the Cleveland Indians to make my age legal. I’m really Roberto Hernandez, but that’s not important. What’s important is that we be fair and honest with each other, and it’s because of those values that were instilled in me by my
agent mother that compels me to voice my concern over this supposedly “good” elf that ES wants to bring aboard. I urge everyone… check this elf’s ID, check out his references, see if he has any warrants out for his arrest. Never trust an elf! Take it from your buddy Fausto um… Roberto! You’ll thank me later.
APPLEJACK: Howdy thar, Sugarcubes!
TWILIGHT SPARKLE: Say, AJ! Did you hear the latest about whose den Scratchy was seen coming out of last night?
AJ: Naw, Princess! Tell me!
TWILIGHT: You know that ugly skunk two shelves down that looks like he used to work as a chew toy?
AJ: No way! She hit that!?!?
TWILIGHT: Yes way! Man, that mare is such a little hussy! I’m telling you….
SCRATCHY: You two little gossip queens do know I can hear your vicious rumors, don’t you?
TWILIGHT: Well… it looks like our little horsie hussy is also an eavesdropper! With naughty ponehs like Scratchy around, we certainly don’t need to be adding an evil elf to the cast!
AJ: An’ how long before she’d invite herself up to the elf’s North Pole cabin under the pretense of playin’ some Burl Ives records?
Hello, I’m the Golden Squirrel. I’m not a big fan of pranksters, and let me tell you, there are plenty of these jokers hanging around the shelf already! Just look at what one of them did to me!
They thought it would be funny to give me an exploding acorn. See what it did? That’s not funny at all! That’s a scar that isn’t going to heal, and forever ruins the aesthetic value of my shiny good looks! You think I wanna see an elf move in on my shelf? Have you heard about what elves do when nobody’s looking? I’ll ask to be transferred back to the museum under that lovely safety glass if that little imp were to come ES’s way!
Hello! We’re the squirrel twins, and we would just like to refute the preposterous notion that there are any wicked shenanigans that go on around here. I personally would look forward to getting to meet a new neighbor, and I don’t think he would be a bad influence at all on….
SHRIEK! Someone stole my acorn right out from under my nose! Did you see who did it?
No, Sis… I don’t know who would think of doing such a thing! Are you sure it didn’t just roll away while…
LOOK!!!! They got yours too!!!
Well, this is certainly quite unexpected. Maybe it would be wise to offer up a recommendation against bringing new blood into our little community until we figure out what is amiss in our….
Dammit, Bro! I’m going to kick someone’s ass for this!
Oh….. um, you tell ’em, Sis!
Ladies and gentlecritters, as the leader of the gang here on ES’s shelf, I would just ask that you take the advice of our members who have so graciously taken time out of their busy lives just sitting around collect dust, and PLEASE, do NOT support ES’s attempt to connive that pesky little elf from Bacon’s clutches! I say, let him become someone else’s problem, not ours! We are a well behaved, good mannered bunch, and we do not need any pointy eared hooligans messing up our friendly atmosphere with their naughty pranks, nor do we need our good-natured furry citizens to come under the malevolent influence of such a despicable elf.
We thank you for your non-support! Goodbye…
Well, there you have it, everyone! What do ya say? I think my group of shelf-dwelling critters more than deserve to be introduced to Don Juan’s elven friend! If things are this interesting without an elf’s sneaky touch, just think what kinds of adventures would await with him around! Make a bunch of squirrels, skunks, ponies and baseball players happy… and please vote to bring Don Juan’s smooth and sophisticated friend to Evil Squirrel’s Nest!