The audience erupts in fake and prodded applause as the star of The Chippy Povich Show steps out on stage….
CHIP: Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to The Chippy Povich Show! As usual, we’ve got another hour of family oriented, wholesome entertainment for all of you desperate housewives and unemployed ne’er do wells who have nothing better to do than watch daytime TV. As usual, to help keep the peace during our scripted fights among the guests, we have our trusty security critter with us, Buster!
BUSTER: Reporting for duty, sir!
CHIP: We’ve got some real rowdies coming out today, think you can handle things?
BUSTER: You know it, sir! My skull’s fully recovered from having that sofa smashed over it by that trailer trash last week!
CHIP: Good to see we’ll have plenty of violence in store to help drive up ratings. Now, without further ado, let’s bring out today’s featured slut! Please give a warm welcome to Mitzi!
MITZI: (waving enthusiastically) Hi Mom!!!!! Look, I, like, made it to Hollywood!!!
CHIP: Mitzi is a 25 year old bimbocorn whose daughter Tina seems to be missing a father. How is it that you don’t know who your child’s sire is?
MITZI: Well, like Chippy, you know I have a very provisc…. promask… um…. pro….
TINA: Promiscuous, Mommy!
MITZI: Yeah Baby Girl, that’s the word I was looking for! I’ve had a lot of sexy times!
CHIP: And you don’t think your lifestyle is a bad influence on your little filly?
MITZI: Totally not, Cupcake! Tina, show Chippy Wippy what Mommy taught you!
Tina sprawls out on her back with her legs in the air…
TINA: Like this Mommy?
MITZI: Good girl! See, my Baby’s being raised right by Mama Mitzi!
CHIP: I’ll have our intern call DFS after the show…. but first, it’s time to meet the potential sperm donors. Ladies and gentlemen… a nice round of applause for Mitzi’s dry cleaner, Snuggle Bear!
CHIP: Snuggle, welcome to the show. How are you?
SNUGGLE: Feelin’ nice and fluffy as always! What’s up?
CHIP: Is it true you had intimate relations with your customer Mitzi and that you could possibly be the father of her child?
SNUGGLE: Aw, we just went out for a few drinks one time. One thing might have led to another… I don’t remember.
CHIP: Do you remember that night Mitzi?
SNUGGLE: Bartender, another shot for the pretty lady! She’s awful thirsty tonight!
CHIP: And what happened then?
SNUGGLE: We went back to her place for a little Kool Aid…
MITZI: With extra sugar! Giggles!
CHIP: OK…. that was more than we needed to know. Now let’s bring out another one of your partners, the Troll!
TROLL: I hope this show isn’t gonna take too long! I’m on my break from McDonald’s, and I don’t need to get wrote up again!
CHIP: Troll, is it true that you might be the father of Mitzi’s daughter?
TROLL: Look, it was a complete accident! I got one of those temporary delivery jobs for ShredEx last year, and….
TROLL: Delivery for Miss Mitzi Bimb…..
Mitzi opens the door wearing nothing but her scarf and a smile…
MITZI: Hi’ya, cutie! Oh, goody gumdrops! My new toys for big girls have arrived! I’m so excited, I could kiss you!
TROLL: Ma’am, really that’s not necessary, I…. (smooch!)
MITZI: Oooooooh, looks like you got another special package for me poking through those pants! You better come inside so I can open it!
TROLL: So what am I supposed to do…. like, damn! I’m gonna hit that!
CHIP: You could have put a stamp on it…. but we’ll see if your junk mail got returned to sender later, because it’s time for Baby Daddy #3 to come out. Let’s meet Shadow the Umbreon!
Shadow makes his usual entrance, appearing out of thin air…
CHIP: Thanks for coming up, Shadow. How’s 2017 been treating you.
SHADOW: Oh sure… rub it in my glowing face that I’m old hat, yesterday’s news, as dead as disco and obsolete as a payphone. It’s how I got into this situation anyway…
CHIP: Please enlighten us…
MITZI: (Singing an awful Iggy Azalea song to herself)…. oooooh lookie at you! How cutesy wutesy!
SHADOW: Here I am…. I am yours to capture.
MITZI: Ooooooooh, and they say ol’ Mitzi’s easy! OK, you’re all MINE!!!
SHADOW: Aren’t you playing Pokecritter No! like everyone else?
MITZI: Lolsies! Like, nobody plays that stoopid game anymore! That’s, like, so last week!
SHADOW: (Sniff) Nobody loves me anymore….
MITZI: Awwwwwww, Mitzi luvs you! (Shadow bioluminescent markings glow with embarrassment) I wanna take you to my next rave! I wonder if the rest of you glows, too….. hmmmmmmm…..
SHADOW: What are you doing!? Don’t touch that! I……
MITZI: (Opens her mouth for the audience) Mitzi’s still glowing!!!!
CHIP: That’s nice….. um….
MITZI: That shipshafeter can put Secretariat to shame too!
SHADOW: (Glowing again) Shapeshifter, you mean…
CHIP: (Rolling his eyes) Mooooooving right along… we found one more potential partner of yours who may have trouble making ends meet for the next 18 years. And you may be shocked to find out who it is. Ladies and gentlemen….. Father Christmas himself, Santa Claus!
SANTA: Someone’s gonna get put on the permanent naughty list for dragging me out of my warm tropical paradise for this dog and unicorn show! I’m tellin’ you, I had two of the curviest Colombian capybara cuties in each arm, and I…
CHIP: You know, Mrs. Claus probably watches my show. Tell us about your own naughtiness when it comes to our bimbocorn over there…
SANTA: Eh…. what can I say. Mistletoe and such. Besides, even ol’ St. Nick deserves something nice for Christmas now and then!
CHIP: I believe you were warned to put a stocking on that stovepipe… but we’ll soon know whether the ghost of Christmas Past is going to haunt you or not…
CHIP: Let’s open up the discussion with our audience by having some pre-selected members ask our guests some stock questions… what is your name, ma’am?
LUNA: It’s Princess Luna, with a capital P. And I’d just like to let that pink haired hussy know she needs to pour some concrete in that hole of hers before my kingdom ends up chock full of corrupt little bastard foals!
MITZI: Oooooooooh, Princess of Power! You wanna volunteer for that job yourself?
LUNA: And you disgusting malecritters need to start keeping those magic horns of yours in a safer place, or I just may start enforcing the Bobbitt Law!
SNUGGLE: Read between the lines, (BLEEP!)
Snuggle Bear extends Luna the one-fingered salute…
CHIP: That’s gonna cost us a nice fine…. who’s next?
FUZZYWIG: Hey, guys! Think I could get the unicorn chick’s number?
MITZI: 867-5309! You can call me anytime!
FUZZYWIG: How about at 4:20?
CHIP: You know…. let’s skip the audience questions and get to truth here. We sent our four manwhores to the studio lab, where our certified vascular technicians got blood samples for a DNA test…
SNUGGLE: AAAAAAAAAA!!!!! THAT (BLEEP)-ING HURTS LIKE A SON OF A (BLEEP!)!!!!!
SCRATCHY: Oh, quitcher crying big baby! You keep sticking yours out where it don’t belong, and we’re gonna keep sticking ours in. Right Nurse Rainy?
RAINY: This better wash out of here! This is most definitely not rain!!!!
TROLL: I……… gotta run to the potty! (Runs off and hides)
CHIP: Well, those blood tests have now come back, and I have the results right here in my hand! We’re about to find out which one of you is Tina’s father…..
CHIP: Santa Claus………….. you are………….. NOT the father!
SANTA: Hot damn! Christmas miracles never cease! I’m outta here, grinches! There’s a couple capybaras on a beach that need their backs oiled up by an old man in a red speedo! (Santa exits, Stage Cancun)
CHIP: Shadow………. you are………….. NOT the father!
SHADOW: Of course I’m not… Pokemon are sterile monsters. Not that you bothered to ask before your butchers jabbed spears into my veins to remove my precious essence. Hasta, Luegos! (Shadow disappears in a puff of smoke)
CHIP: Troll……. the report says that you are………………….. NOT the father!
TROLL: YESSSSS!!!! Now I won’t have to get a second job just to put diapers on some horse’s ass! (Looks at watch) Ooh, just in time to get back to work and have the fries ready for the dinnertime rush! (Ladies and gentlemen, the Troll has left the building)
CHIP: Snuggle Bear…..
Snuggle starts sweating profusely, ruining the fabric softener he’d just applied to his fur…
CHIP: Snuggle……….. you are…………………………………….. NOT the father.
SNUGGLE: Oh yeah!!!! Whoomp! Take THAT system! Hey Mitzi, wanna go out after the show and celebrate my innocence?
Mitzi flashes Snuggle Bear the “call me” sign as he dances all the way out the stage door…
Chip, meanwhile, rips the DNA test results up and throws the shreds on the stage…
CHIP: Well, this is nuts! How could none of them have been the father!?!? I thought you gave us a full list of all your sexual partners!
MITZI: You mean, like, everyone who got a piece of ol’ Mitzi last year? Gigglesnort! That was just the dudes I met on one night long ago! I’ve got the full list right here!
Mitzi puts on her glasses to go over the archive of her “encounters”….
CHIP: Holy (BLEEP!)
TINA: Wow, Mommy! You’re awesome!
MITZI: Ain’t I, Baby Girl? Let’s see….. there was Aaron, Addison, Alan, Allen, Alex, Andy….
CHIP: We can’t do a DNA test on half the population of the shelf! I guess the father will just have to remain a myst…
MITZI: ….Charlie, Chester, Chet, CHIP!!!
CHIP: Huh…. what!?!?
MITZI: Chippy Wippy!!! Remember when you went undercover to do that show on prostitutes in Season Three?
CHIP: Uhhhhhhh…. no…….
MITZI: And I picked you up and even with the camera rolling, you, like, couldn’t resist my ladylike charms! You so kinky!
CHIP: No…… no, there’s no way I…… that was just an unexpected fling……… I…..
SCRATCHY: We got this under control…. stick your arm out! And I don’t mean that other arm, Chippy Wippy!
CHIP: No!!!! I’m the star of this show! I don’t………. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And so, Chippy Povich was revealed to be Tina’s father… bringing a nice windfall of foal support into the Bimbocorn household…. at least until Chip’s show got canceled due to the scandal and he was forced to take a job as the Troll’s fry cook assistant at Mickey Dee’s. And for once, closure was found on a daytime talk show without any need for the participants to beat the living shit out of each other. Who needs security anyway?
MITZI: I could use some protection! So, is that a billy club in your pocket, Mr. Possum, or are you just happy to frisk ol’ Mitzi?
BUSTER: Best. Shelf. Critter. Theatre. Ever! I always digged the girls with glasses…