The Gizzard Of Blahs – Part XII

Where to find the juicy parts of this series you may have missed

When we last mercifully left our story, Mitzi Gale was locked in a room by the Wicked Bitch of the Wild Wild West with a timer that would shrink her bimbo bust down to a pair of skeeter bites when it hit 0:00, making the magical booby grippers fall off Mitzi’s chest and into the Bitch’s clutches.  Would her companions who accompanied her on this ill fated trip to see The Gizzard arrive in time to free her from this deflating situation!?!?!?

Were they even trying to….???

SNUGGLE: I haven’t had a good buzz like this since I was in college and we played beer pong on the laundromat folding table!

FUZZYWIG: I may have to (hic!) open my mind up a bit more to what (hic!) I consider to be The Good Stuff.

CHIP: This is the first time I’ve had anything stronger than an O’Douls.  Now I see why critters choose to drink their problems away…

SNUGGLE: Bartender!  Another round for my friends!

TINA: Geez, I dunno, guys.  I think it may be time to cut you off.

SNUGGLE: Bullshit!  We’ve only had a few….

FUZZYWIG: I think I may have just soaked my BVD’s…

CHIP: You seem to have all of the jobs in the Cubic Zirconia City.  Are you even old enough to be serving alcohol?

TINA: Dude!  I’m 8 years old!  I can do whatever the hell I want!

MARY: I need a round of the cheapest shit we got for the Troll party at the back table.

TINA: Coming right up, dear!  Say, you wouldn’t wanna help me entertain our new patrons, would you?

MARY: You think we should break off a little Coyote Ugly for these lushes?

TINA: Totally beyotch!  Let’s do this!

MARY: Best. Job. Ever.

TINA: Right?  I’m gonna totally go out and buy me some new Paw Patrol lingerie tomorrow!

While the two barmaids scooped up the bounty of their booty dancing, the three drunken gawkers were about to have their enchanted evening ruined by the sound of plot progression…


FUZZYWIG: Uh oh, it’s the hair of the dog…


SNUGGLE: I’m pretty sure a dog isn’t supposed to walk into a bar unless this is a bad joke.  Go away!

CHIP: Wait!  It’s Mitzi’s dog, and he broke free from the Wicked Bitch’s grasp to come lead us to where Mitzi’s being held!

FUZZYWIG: Ehhhh, maybe tomorrow.  Friends don’t let friends adventure drunk.

SNUGGLE: Dude!  Booze is the only trouble I plan on getting into tonight!

CHIP: Guys, we can’t just abandon Mitzi now!  She was kind enough to let us tag along with her so we could get our wishes granted too, and now we need to do the right thing and save her from whatever horrible schemes the Bitch has planned for her!

Snuggle and Fuzzywig just stare coldly at Chip…

CHIP: Her life may be in danger!

No response…

CHIP: This is NOT how the story is supposed to go!

Shoulder shrugs…

CHIP: (Sighs) She might put out for us if we rescue her…

SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!!!!!!!!

FUZZYWIG: Lead on, pooch!

And so, with the Scarecoon, Straight Man and Nutless Bear back in the game… the three followed Fleabag on the scent of his beloved mistress Mitzi…

With a detour or two along the way…….

SNUGGLE: Dude!  This isn’t the bitch we are looking for!

FUZZYWIG: I’m pretty sure we’re going to regret following this stupid mutt.

CHIP: Now now, we need to have faith.  He’s just….. distracted….

After adding to the pet population, Fleabag is off on the scent of Mitzi again!

Or maybe not…….

FUZZYWIG: Wonderful.  We get led to a dead possum.  What a bad time to have the munchies…

CHIP: How can there possibly be roadkill on The Shit Paper Road?

SNUGGLE: Dude, it’s Buster!  He’d would get hit by a Mack truck on a pedestrian overpass!  Once again, there is nothing to see here, and this dog is just wasting our….

Fleabag is off again, with the three frustrated antiheroes reluctantly in pursuit…


MITZI: Tik tok on the clock, but the party don’t stop!  Only three minutes until my boobies totally go bye bye!  That’s, like, only about an hour!  What am I going to do!?!?

Mitzi begins to pace about her prison, contemplating life without implants…

MITZI: I’ve, like, had this bouncy rack since I totally got my first breast dogmentation before third grade!  I, like, won’t be able to wear any of my low cut, cleavage exposing tops anymore without them totally drooping down to my belly button!  The boss will totally transfer me back to the kitchen at Hooters!  I’ll even lose my favorite cup holder!  Oh, I so wish I was back on the farm with Auntie Ess right now….

SPARKLEPONY: I’ll bet you do…….

MITZI: Auntie Ess!  Is that, like, totally you!?!?  I didn’t think we had Skype in 1939!

SPARKLEPONY: As if you’d know since you never actually spend time with your auntie.  You think you’ve got it so bad right now, don’t you dearie.

MITZI: But, like, Auntie Ess!  I’m, like, in so much troub….

SPARKLEPONY: Yeah, woe is you.  Out there in some fantasy world in living color while I’m stuck in this damned dreary old farm world in sepia tones black and white!  Boo fucking hoo!  I’m absolutely gorgeous in technicolor, but nobody watching this stupid movie is ever going to know that!

MITZI: But Auntie Ess…

SPARKLEPONY: And another thing… are you washing behind your ears and remembering to always carry a fresh maxi pad in your purse?  I’ll bet you aren’t, you were always irresponsible…

Mitzi removes the batteries from the Wicked Bitch’s crystal ball before her Auntie Ess can chastise her any further.

MITZI: If I’m going to, like, be debreastified, I want to totally suffer in peace.  But, like, I’m sure my friends will show up to rescue me at any time.  I know they will!  Fleabag’s totally found them by now, and will lead them to this castle in no time because he’s such a good and smart little puppy wuppy!!!

SNUGGLE: Dafuq!?!?

CHIP: Oh no… tell me we’re not all the way back in Buttmunchkin Land!

FUZZYWIG: Our GPS is getting replaced the first time we pass by a Chinese buffet…

ZEEBA: Y’all are a bunch of dumbasses!

BEARCAT: Now, sis!  They’re really trying to help Mommy… they’re just a little lost.

BRIGHTBIRD: And I thought I was the one in this story with a brain tumor.

SQUIRREL CHILDREN: Do we know you guys?


FUZZYWIG: Do we really have to keep following him?

CHIP: I’m beginning to question the logic of that myself, Fuzzy…

SNUGGLE: Mitzi better let me stick it in the pooper after all this trouble we’re going through for her!

Time is running out!  Will Fleabag actually lead the gang to Mitzi before the clock runs out, or will her mammaries soon be a memory?  Stay tuned!!!!

SQUIRREL DAD: Oh dear, another cliffhanger.

SQUIRREL MOM: Whatever is Mitzi going to do?

SQUIRREL DAD: This has been quite the adventure.

SQUIRREL MOM: Almost worth the cost of the free ticket to the theater.

SQUIRREL DAD: Say, dear, how did our children end up in this movie anyway?

SQUIRREL MOM: I sold them all off into slavery last year after my nervous breakdown, remember?

SQUIRREL DAD: Oh, yes.  You did.  So, should we make some more?

SQUIRREL MOM: I’ll whack it off if you try…



About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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9 Responses to The Gizzard Of Blahs – Part XII

  1. Merbear74 says:

    Plot twist…Snuggle gets murdered in the field of poppies.

  2. Oh I love a good cliffhanger…….I think Mitzi must sense that she’s going to be saved – she hasn’t broken out in a sweat……yet.


  3. draliman says:

    More special effects and a totally plot-less gratuitous death for Buster this week! So the gang have 69 sec to get back from Buttmunchkin Land, break into the castle and rescue Mitzi. It’s gonna be close.

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