CHIP: Hello out there, Evil Squirrel’s Nest readers. I regret to inform you all that we’re going to have to cancel this week’s edition of Shelf Critter Theatre…
FUZZYWIG: Such a shame. I guess I’ll just have to go home and roll me up another doobie.
CHIP: You see, we were planning on assembling the troupe to help go over that annual report WordPress sends out to blogs every year…
FUZZYWIG: You know… that one that measures your blog’s success in the number of cable cars, Louvres, and Sydney Drug Houses you’d fill up…
CHIP: Pretty sure that’s Sydney Opera House, Fuzzy. Anyway, the WordPress Helper Monkeys seem to have dropped the ball this year since we currently have no report to give…
SQUIRREL CHILDREN: You mean Helper Squirrels!
CHIP: Helper squirrels!?!?
CHILD 1: Yeah, we’re the ones who were put in charge of compiling the annual reports for WordPress this year!
CHILD 2: The Helper Monkeys all got promoted to Happiness Engineers.
CHILD 3: And the Happiness Engineers all wound up getting pink slip depression when they got laid off.
CHILD 4: So now they’re Sadness Unemployables!
FUZZYWIG: So where is our report, you incorrigible little hooligans?
The four older children all point to the smallest child…
LITTLEST: Ummmm….. well…… you see…….. I did it……. but……. the dog ate it! Yeah, that’s what happened!
CHIP: That sounds like a really pathetic excuse!
CHILD 3: Wanna bet?
FLEABAG: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR……… (shreds the report into little pieces)
LITTLEST: I was right!!!! I was right!!!!
FUZZYWIG: Give me that report you mangy little goat or you’ll end up on the Chinese buffet next to the dragon balls for New Years!
The dog drops the mangled up pile of paper and jumps up to lick his master…
FLEABAG: BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK!
FUZZYWIG: Dammit! You were probably eating poop with that tongue!
Fuzzywig tosses a stick off the table, and Fleabag leaps into the void to fetch it…
CHILDREN: Well, we’re off! We gotta go work on that new paint by numbers post editor that’s gonna replace everything at WordPress next year!
CHIP: Dammit, we’ll never make any sense out of this pile of chewed up garbage. I guess we’ll just call it a day…..
VOICE: (Calling from up high, stage right) Yoooooooooohooooooooooo!!!!!
FUZZYWIG: Huh? Where’s that coming from?
VOICE: Up here, boys!
CHIP: What in the name of all that is stuffed is going on here?
FUZZYWIG: Either that’s a unicorn lounging in a pitcher of Kool Aid, or I’m having another bum trip flashback from my LSD days…
MITZI: Don’t I look, like, totally sex-ay all splayed out in this fancy glass?
CHIP: That is not a champagne glass, and you look like a giant bimbo slut…
MITZI: Awwww, Chippy Wippy… flattery will get you everywhere with ol’ Mitzi!
MITZI: Evil Squirrel’s Mommy got him this Douchepitcher replica for Christmas, and she demanded it appear on his blog! So I, like, totally volunteered to model with it!
FUZZYWIG: Get that thing out here! Don’t you know Douchepitchers are notorious for the collateral damage they do in making an entrance?
MITZI: Ooooh, I love having my walls rammed through! Oh yeah, baby!!!
CHIP: OK, that’s enough NC-17 material for one post. Getting back to the business at hand….
RAINY: Speaking of business at hand, I want to know who put this giant ball on top of my rain gauge, and I want to know NOW!!!!
CHIP: Lady, I have no idea who would have done such a thing…. but if you’re angry, could I ask that you please go downwind to vent about it…
BUSTER: Oh, hey guys! I just came down to Shelf Square to see if it was time for the ball drop yet. Anyone got the time?
FUZZYWIG: (Looks at his cannabis leaf covered phone) It’s 4:20.
BUSTER: Oh goodie! It should drop then for another seven….
CHIP: Well, that was sudden and expected…
MITZI: Gigglesnort! I’m a boss when it comes to making balls go off early!
CHIP, RAINY AND FUZZY: SHUT UP, MITZI!!!!!!!
SNUGGLE BEAR: Shelf Square street sweeper coming through!!!!
The shredded report, the ball, the possum, and anything else not glued to the table is swept off into the city dumpster….
SNUGGLE: My work here is done!
MITZI: I don’t think so, Teddy Bear! Mitzi still needs her New Year’s smoochie!
CHIP: OK, this tomfoolery has gone on long enough. For not having anything prepared today, we sure have shown off once again just how dysfunctional the shelf critters are…
RAINY: I am completely embarrassed to be a part of this ensemble of miscreants.
CHIP: So before anything even worse can transpire, we’re signing off. I’m Chip, she’s Rainy, and he’s Fuz……..
Fuzzywig is leering off to his left.
CHIP: Fuzzywig! What in the heck are you staring at………… oh. my. god.
SNUGGLE: Hey! 2017’s already looking better than all of last year! Time to start the spin cycle…
MITZI: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! Happy New Year all my lovelies! MWAH! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤