CHIP: Hello out there, Evil Squirrel’s Nest readers. I regret to inform you all that we’re going to have to cancel this week’s edition of Shelf Critter Theatre…
FUZZYWIG: Such a shame. I guess I’ll just have to go home and roll me up another doobie.
CHIP: You see, we were planning on assembling the troupe to help go over that annual report WordPress sends out to blogs every year…
FUZZYWIG: You know… that one that measures your blog’s success in the number of cable cars, Louvres, and Sydney Drug Houses you’d fill up…
CHIP: Pretty sure that’s Sydney Opera House, Fuzzy. Anyway, the WordPress Helper Monkeys seem to have dropped the ball this year since we currently have no report to give…
SQUIRREL CHILDREN: You mean Helper Squirrels!
CHIP: Helper squirrels!?!?
CHILD 1: Yeah, we’re the ones who were put in charge of compiling the annual reports for WordPress this year!
CHILD 2: The Helper Monkeys all got promoted to Happiness Engineers.
CHILD 3: And the Happiness Engineers all wound up getting pink slip depression when they got laid off.
CHILD 4: So now they’re Sadness Unemployables!
FUZZYWIG: So where is our report, you incorrigible little hooligans?
The four older children all point to the smallest child…
LITTLEST: Ummmm….. well…… you see…….. I did it……. but……. the dog ate it! Yeah, that’s what happened!
CHIP: That sounds like a really pathetic excuse!
CHILD 3: Wanna bet?
FLEABAG: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR……… (shreds the report into little pieces)
LITTLEST: I was right!!!! I was right!!!!
FUZZYWIG: Give me that report you mangy little goat or you’ll end up on the Chinese buffet next to the dragon balls for New Years!
The dog drops the mangled up pile of paper and jumps up to lick his master…
FLEABAG: BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK! BARK! LICK!
FUZZYWIG: Dammit! You were probably eating poop with that tongue!
Fuzzywig tosses a stick off the table, and Fleabag leaps into the void to fetch it…
CHILDREN: Well, we’re off! We gotta go work on that new paint by numbers post editor that’s gonna replace everything at WordPress next year!
CHIP: Dammit, we’ll never make any sense out of this pile of chewed up garbage. I guess we’ll just call it a day…..
VOICE: (Calling from up high, stage right) Yoooooooooohooooooooooo!!!!!
FUZZYWIG: Huh? Where’s that coming from?
VOICE: Up here, boys!
CHIP: What in the name of all that is stuffed is going on here?
FUZZYWIG: Either that’s a unicorn lounging in a pitcher of Kool Aid, or I’m having another bum trip flashback from my LSD days…
MITZI: Don’t I look, like, totally sex-ay all splayed out in this fancy glass?
CHIP: That is not a champagne glass, and you look like a giant bimbo slut…
MITZI: Awwww, Chippy Wippy… flattery will get you everywhere with ol’ Mitzi!
MITZI: Evil Squirrel’s Mommy got him this Douchepitcher replica for Christmas, and she demanded it appear on his blog! So I, like, totally volunteered to model with it!
FUZZYWIG: Get that thing out here! Don’t you know Douchepitchers are notorious for the collateral damage they do in making an entrance?
MITZI: Ooooh, I love having my walls rammed through! Oh yeah, baby!!!
CHIP: OK, that’s enough NC-17 material for one post. Getting back to the business at hand….
RAINY: Speaking of business at hand, I want to know who put this giant ball on top of my rain gauge, and I want to know NOW!!!!
CHIP: Lady, I have no idea who would have done such a thing…. but if you’re angry, could I ask that you please go downwind to vent about it…
BUSTER: Oh, hey guys! I just came down to Shelf Square to see if it was time for the ball drop yet. Anyone got the time?
FUZZYWIG: (Looks at his cannabis leaf covered phone) It’s 4:20.
BUSTER: Oh goodie! It should drop then for another seven….
THUD!
RAINY: Oops!
CHIP: Well, that was sudden and expected…
MITZI: Gigglesnort! I’m a boss when it comes to making balls go off early!
CHIP, RAINY AND FUZZY: SHUT UP, MITZI!!!!!!!
SNUGGLE BEAR: Shelf Square street sweeper coming through!!!!
The shredded report, the ball, the possum, and anything else not glued to the table is swept off into the city dumpster….
SNUGGLE: My work here is done!
MITZI: I don’t think so, Teddy Bear! Mitzi still needs her New Year’s smoochie!
CHIP: OK, this tomfoolery has gone on long enough. For not having anything prepared today, we sure have shown off once again just how dysfunctional the shelf critters are…
RAINY: I am completely embarrassed to be a part of this ensemble of miscreants.
CHIP: So before anything even worse can transpire, we’re signing off. I’m Chip, she’s Rainy, and he’s Fuz……..
Fuzzywig is leering off to his left.
CHIP: Fuzzywig! What in the heck are you staring at………… oh. my. god.
SNUGGLE: Hey! 2017’s already looking better than all of last year! Time to start the spin cycle…
MITZI: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! Happy New Year all my lovelies! MWAH! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
I guess it wasn’t personal. They just didn’t do them this year. I thought I’d complained about their awful “improvements” once too often and I was banned forever.
I wish you were really having a year-end sale. I’d buy something. Or anyway, I wish your were having one after the turn of the year when we have some money because right now, the coffers are empty. End of the year, total finish to the money … and no more until next Tuesday when they FINALLY end the endless holiday season. I don’t ever remember be quite so eager to put a period on this period.
Garry was impressed by your research into Poirot.
It’s snowing lightly here, but the sun is out, too. Will we get a snowbow?
I wish I had some say over the prices other than affecting what my cut is, but CP hold all the cards there… and they probably already get too large of a cut as it is. Heck, they don’t even issue coupons for shop purchases like they did way back when I first started… now you can only get discounts when ordering through their listings, which offers the artists notoriously bad royalties compared to shop sales. Oh well… I think I made about ten bucks this year. Not bad… maybe I’ll buy myself another shelf critter or two…
If you get a picture of a snowbow, please post it!
My last royalty deposit from Amazoon was 5 cents … but I made $1.64 in November!
That’s better than I do some months! Redbubble deposits monthly even if it’s just a token amount, but Cafepress makes you reach a minimum of $25 before you get paid. My last royalty check from them was literally two years in the making!
LMAO…
Nice to see I can get laughs even working without a script!
I never knew that Snuggle bear was such a pervert. That poor unicorn must be feeling so violated right now! 😛
Happy New Year!
LOL, I don’t think Mitzi ever met a violator she didn’t like. She’s already seduced half of my cast in just a couple months… I fully expect her to have a Take a Number sign on her horn any day now…
Happy New Year back!
HaHaHa geeze I hope your Mom has a good sense of humor. I am almost certain that was not what she was expecting from a worked in pitcher. LOL. Happy new year big guy. 😆
The same mother who used empty tampon boxes to give our gifts in? Yeah, I think she’ll appreciate the humor. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree…
Happy New Year… which is should just about be where you are now!
I see Snuggle’s seeing the new year in with a bang…
No roundup? No roundup? What nonsense is this? We’ll just have to crown me “top commenter” and have done with it.
I was really interested in seeing who took the honor this year too, because there was no obvious candidate like in years past. My guess would be Marilyn only because Trisha faded towards the end of the year. You seem to always come in third…
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride…
I love it… it’s much better than TV… and I need no box nor cable nor netflix … pawsome! Have a wonderful 2017 what brings only good things to you…
I am happy to provide free entertainment for those who are tired of all the scripted crap on TV. This is how shows should be produced… with no script and no idea what they’re doing!
Well that was a most entertaining scenario to end the old year with – Mitzi getting it while dangling from a glass pitcher kinda sums things up nicely. With an end to the year like this, I’d say just about ANYTHING is possible for the new year – especially from YOU! Happy New Year…..seriously.
Pam
Sometimes with my content, I never know what’s coming the next minute let alone the next year. I didn’t see the…..um, finale of this one coming at all until it just happened. Thanks for being a supportive audience for my brand of unique humor!
Wouldn’t miss it…..what the world needs now (and always has) is a healthy dose of humor….if we didn’t get that dose, we’d be crying in our hankies (or beer) all the time! Thanks – I mean that…………………..Pam
Thank you for a good laugh! This year is ending, only 9 hours left, it is somehow scary, too.
Happy New Year to you!
Thank you, and happy new year to you as well!
How am I gonna know if I’m your #1 commenter this year? I tried really hard…
It will forever remain a mystery unless I went back and counted all the comments by hand….
Yep, a mystery it shall remain…
Just like how much wine I drank last night before I passed out…
The manager “store used” some sparkling grape juice for us last night to celebrate on our midnight break, I kid you not. I declined…
Wow. Yeah, grapes don’t count as junk food…
Mitzi and Snuggle Bear ringing in the new year in an X-rated way. Only at the nest could things take a sharp enough turn to end up there after starting with helper squirrels!
I would take helper squirrels over helper monkeys any day, even if they get our reports eaten by the dog. Monkeys are so creepy!
I spent all of Friday morning writing up all of my year-end posts while patiently waiting for the report to come in so I could put together a SCT…. and in the end, I have to improvise at the last minute anyway. Seriously, I set up the stage, got out my camera, and just made the story up as I went! Each scene was made up on the fly…. including the final one which I debated for several minutes whether I really wanted to use or not. I figured Mitzi was gonna end up in that position eventually anyway, so why not! I hope the helper squirrels didn’t see what transpired after they left…
I think monkeys look creepy because they’re too human looking. They’re nature’s residents of the uncanny valley…
Yeah, that’s probably what I find freaky about monkeys. I really don’t like to look at them. I don’t even like cartoon or stuffed ones. I am repulsed by them the way most people are repulsed by rats!
LMAO !! That just too funny! Love the Kool-Aid Jug!! Happy New Years Bill!! 🙂
The Kool Aid pitcher is neat, though I probably won’t be able to crash it through any walls without losing a valuable prop…
Happy New Year, and thanks for laughing at my shit!
Ya…don’t be crashing it through any walls! lol…