CHIP SQUIRREL: Hello out there TV land, and welcome to everyone’s favorite game show, The Shelf Critter Squares! Our two carefully selected, pre-screened contestants will be competing for fabulous prizes while hobnobbing with some of our most famous residents. Let’s meet our players today, starting off with the lovely filly to my left, Luna!
LUNA: That’s PRINCESS Luna to you, peasant!
CHIP: Yeah, so Luna, tell us a little about yourself.
LUNA: I am only the Goddess of the Night, ever omniscient, and know everything there is to know about anything. Please just go ahead and award me the prize I deserve now…
CHIP: Way to keep it humble, Luna. And to my right, we have…. Derpy?
DERPY: Ummmmm…… Madagascar? Am I right?
CHIP: Dear, we haven’t asked any questions yet. Just tell us a little about yourself.
DERPY: My name’s….. (digs through her pocket to pull out her license) Derpy Hooves, and I deliver the mail to everyone… sometimes…. when I don’t lose it….. or forget where I’m going….. derrrr……
CHIP: Great, this should be another hell of a game to sink us further into ratings purgatory. OK, ladies, the object of the game is to play Tic Tac Toe with our board of shelf celebrities…
CHIP: Choose a celebrity and I’ll ask them a question. Agree or disagree with their answer correctly, and you win the square. If you’re wrong, it goes to your opponent. First to get three in a row up, down or diagonally wins……. THIS!
ROD RODDY-LIKE ANNOUNCER: A NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!!!! The Dick Trickle #90 Ford Taurus comes with leather seats, removable steering wheel, ashtrays, and most of the fenders. Suggested retail value….. $9.99!
CHIP: Thanks, announcer guy. Luna, you’re the X’s so you get to choose first…
LUNA: I’ll take the mangy looking raccoon in the center square….
CHIP: Fuzzywig! How are things with you?
FUZZYWIG: Mellow as always, Chip. Mellow as always. You think they still have any continental breakfast in the green room? I’ve been hungry since about 4:20…
CHIP: Try eating your clawnails then… OK, Fuzzywig, here’s your question. Are there rings around Uranus?
FUZZYWIG: No, but there’s definitely a NO TRESPASSING sign there!
CHIP: Luna, he says there are no rings around Uranus…
LUNA: I disagree!
CHIP: Correct! X gets the square!
CHIP: OK, Derpy, it’s your turn to choose…
DERPY: Ummmmm. ohmahgerd, Uhhhhh… Uncle Sam!
UNCLE SAM: Thank you, my fellow constituents. I…
CHIP: No time for speeches, Sam. With your long-winded nonsense, we could never compensate for equal time anyway. Here’s your question…. What are the three qualifications a candidate must meet to be eligible to become President of the United States?
UNCLE SAM: The candidate must be at least 35 years of age. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of the United States. And the candidate must be able to raise a shitload of money for the campaign.
DERPY: Errrrrrr…. I disagree!
CHIP: Ohhhh, I’m sorry, but he’s right. X gets the square!
CHIP: Luna, looks like you can end this game really fast.
LUNA: And I will… the Troll for the victory, please!
CHIP: Did our staff stylist go on strike today, or did we just run out of combs?
TROLL: Hey, don’t be dissing the hair! Look what it did for the orange guy! The wild look is coming back! Some day….. before I die… or go impotent…. I hope maybe some chick will dig this mess….
CHIP: Speaking of losers… was it over after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
TROLL: Finally! All of those college classes I took to put off having to repay my student loans have paid off! No, it wasn’t over!
CHIP: Luna, agree or disagree?
LUNA: Disagree! Everyone knows the Germans didn’t bomb Pearl Harbor…
CHIP: Ohhhh, I’m sorry. Our source Animal House says that they did. Circle gets the square!
LUNA: What!?!? I’ll unleash a horde of bedbugs into the question writers’ studio!
CHIP: Derpy, your move…
DERPY: Snuggle Bear!!!
CHIP: OK, this must be a new strategy I’m unaware of… but Snuggle Bear it is!
SNUGGLE: Heya, Chip! Nice of me to show up today despite the fact that you ratbastards dropped my sponsorship of the show in favor of fucking Downy!
CHIP: Sorry, but you were scaring all of the small children in our audience. Here’s your question… what was John Wayne Gacy’s occupation?
SNUGGLE: Dude, he was a fucking serial killer! Duh!
CHIP: Derpy, what do you think?
DERPY: Errrrrr…… I agree?
CHIP: Yes! Circle gets the square!
CHIP: Luna, you’re up.
LUNA: The ugly little creature of the night, Buster.
CHIP: How are you doing, Buster?
BUSTER: Just great, Chip! Thanks for asking!
CHIP: Your question is…. can a possum touch its toes?
BUSTER: Hmmmmm… never tried that over my big, roadkill stuffed belly before. Let’s see (Buster starts to bend forward….) Whoops!!!
CHIP: Sigh…. someone go send for the cook from the studio commissary. Maybe they can pawn that dead possum off on Jerry Springer’s guests. Luna, it seems Buster doesn’t think a possum can touch its toes…
LUNA: I agree!
CHIP: Of course they can’t…. X gets the square!
CHIP: Derpy, looks like you’re in a bit of trouble now as Luna has two paths to win. Who do you want?
CHIP: Have you had your head checked for termites lately?
CHIP: Good morning, Rainy.
RAINY: It would be a better morning if I weren’t stuck in this climate controlled studio where it never rains.
CHIP: Hold that thought, Rainy… your question is… what is the largest desert in the world?
RAINY: You mean besides this stupid Nest? That would be the Gobi, Mr. Chip…
CHIP: Rainy says the Gobi Desert is the largest… what do you think Derpy?
DERPY: Uhhhhhh….. oh, so many choices. I think I….. agree!
CHIP: Ohhhh, I’m sorry….
RAINY: Excuse me, Mr. Chip. Sorry about what exactly?
CHIP: Well…. that you were incorrect….
RAINY: That I was WHAT? Mr. Chip…. I will have you know that I am NEVER wrong.
CHIP: Well, the judges….
RAINY: I have something for you and the judges, Mr. Chip…
CHIP: Whoa, whoa!!! How silly of me… I read the card wrong! You were right to agree, Derpy! The Gobi Desert is… the biggest. Circle gets the square!
CHIP: Luna…. please, end this misery!
LUNA: The….. despicable DJ Scratchy for the win, Chip.
SCRATCHY: What up, homey? Hey, thanks for having me on the show with you today!
CHIP: My pleasure, Scratchy, now here’s your…
SCRATCHY: I’m always happy to get some national exposure like this… you know, I just produced a new album…
CHIP: That’s great Scratchy, but back to…
SCRATCHY: And what do you know, I just so happen to have it with me today…
CHIP: Scratchy… the show’s sponsors do not allow for the guests to plug their own merchandise!
SCRATCHY: So you mean I can’t tell everyone to hurry out and buy Kevin Eubanks’ The Heat of Heat at your favorite record store or Mecca this Black Friday? Oops, looks like I already did! (pumps arm) Ch-ching!
CHIP: I’ll make sure everything you said after “What up” is edited out. Now your question… how many revolutions does a standard 45 record make around a turntable every minute?
SCRATCHY: (There’s a long silence as Scratchy just stares at Chip like a moron) 45.
CHIP: Luna, for the game…. what do you say?
LUNA: You aren’t about to trick me, you funky shaded bitch! I disagree!!!
CHIP: Sigh…. I’m sorry, but she was right. Circle gets the square…
LUNA: Well, I never!!!
SCRATCHY: I agree! You have never…
CHIP: Derpy… it is absolutely impossible for you to make a horrible choice this time. Who do you want?
DERPY: Duh, those cute little Sponkies!
Bells, sirens and whistles go off….
CHIP: Well, Derpy, it looks like you found the Secret Square! If you get this one correct… not only do you win the brand new car, but you also get….. THIS!
ANNOUNCER: A trip to Uluru!!!!
ANNOUNCER: Yes, you and a companion of your choice will get an all expenses paid trip to beautiful downtown Uluru, Australia… where you’ll spend six days and four nights at the one-and-a-half star Outback Motel! You’ll see all Australia has to offer, and if you’re lucky, you might even come back alive! Total value of this trip… $89.99 off Travelocity!
CHIP: Well, that certainly makes for a nice add-on should you somehow manage to get this right. OK, Sponkies… here’s your question. Which direction does the water go down the toilet in Tittybong, Australia?
The Sponkies quietly confer on this question….
BOTH SPONKIES: We believe it goes down clockwise!
CHIP: Derpy, for the trip and the game, do you agree or disagree?
DERPY: I totally agree!!!
CHIP: I’m sorry, that was a trick question. There are no toilets in Tittybong, just outhouse dunnies. X gets the square…
CHIP: Well, this is it. There’s only one celebrity left, and whoever wins the square finally wins the game so I can go take a dump.
LUNA: Bring on the bimbocorn!
MITZI: Like…. hello out there all of my adorable peeps!
CHIP: Why is the Troll out of his square?
MITZI: He’s, like, totally keeping me company here. It got lonely, what with nobody wanting to pick little old me. Hey there Honeytroll, is that a parting gift in your pants, or are you just happy to see ol’ Mitzi?
CHIP: OK… stop before you two end up getting us yanked off the air and on to some high numbered cable channel only preverts would pay for. Mitzi… listen up, because this question will decide the match! What is the square root of 4,761?
MITZI: 69, baby!
LUNA: Listen to an airheaded mare on a math question!?!? I disagree!!!
CHIP: She was CORRECT!!! Circle gets the square, and Derpy is our Shelf Critter Squares winner!!!
LUNA: That’s impossible!!!! I demand a recount!!!!
CHIP: Congratulations Derpy! Here’s your brand new….
MITZI: OMG!!!! I was right!!!! I, like, totally winned!!!!!! YAY ME!!!!!!!!
Mitzi leaps out of her square and pounces on the grand prize car…
MITZI: Mine mine mine!!!!!
CHIP: Could someone page security to Studio 13?
Mitzi commandeers the car and drives it by the contestant’s podium…
MITZI: Like… thanks for the awesome ride, Chippy Wippy Babydoll!
CHIP: I hope you have the cash to pay for the tax, tag and title…
MITZI: Yoohoo!!! Trollbaby!!! Let’s, like, take a ride or something!
TROLL: Adios, suckers!
Mitzi and the Troll take off in the car, crashing right out of the studio and through several halls of the TV station building before riding off into the sunset…
DERPY: Wow. What just happened?
LUNA: At least they didn’t take off with my Turtle Wax and Lee Press On Nails…
CHIP: Sigh…. tune in tomorrow as we try to find some contestants and some celebrities who don’t have brain damage. Good night, everyone!