SPONKIE BOY: Oh look, Sis! It snowed last night!
SPONKIE GIRL: This is awesome! I’ve never seen snow before! Do you think it’s dangerous?
SPONKIE BOY: Probably….
SPONKIE GIRL: Let’s go out and play in it then!!!
SPONKIE BOY: Hey, why are we being referred to as “SPONKIE BOY” and “SPONKIE GIRL” now?
SPONKIE GIRL: I dunno… isn’t SPONKIE 1 and SPONKIE 2 easier to type?
SPONKIE 1: Yeah…. that’s better!
Sponkie Boy and Gir…. er… Sponkie 1 and 2 venture outside into the virgin snow…
TINA: SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL’S OUT…. FOR… WINTER!!!!
SPONKIE 2: What are you so happy about Tina?
TINA: It’s a SNOW DAY!!! We don’t hafta go to school! My Aunt Scratchy says they had to hoof it to school 10 miles in this stuff, uphill, both ways back in her day!
SPONKIE 1: Are you kidding? This stuff’s already making my legs numb.
TINA: Yeah, she’s probably full of poopoo! Gotta go! I’m gonna build me a snowicorn and I’ll take the world’s coolest selfie with it!
SPONKIE 2: I’m surprised so many critters are out enjoying this rather strange weather…
SPONKIE 1: Hey, mister! Whatcha doin’?
The Sponkies get no response. Just the faint sound of…… um, what is that sound?
FUZZYWIG: Dammit! Sometimes I wish my mother didn’t give me such a long name! I had to get (HIC!) shitfaced drunk to pull this off!
SPONKIE 2: I think we better move on, brother…
SPONKIE 1: Yeah, let’s…
It wasn’t long before the Sponkies ran into….
SANTA: HO HO HO!!!!
SPONKIE 1: Boy, I’ll bet you’re really enjoying this weather, Santa!
SANTA: Are you fucking out of your mind? I’m about tired of frozen fucking wastelands like this! After this Christmas, I’m cashing out my 401(k) and retiring some place where the only thing frosty is the beer, and the girls all look better than Mrs. Claus does in a string bikini…
SPONKIE 2: But who will deliver presents to all of the good little critters every Christmas?
SANTA: Let the U.N. worry about my replacement… this jolly old fat man is trading in his fur suit for a speedo!
SPONKIE 1: You can’t be Santa Claus! Santa would never talk like that….
SANTA: Very well……….
SPONKIE 2: Shame on you for trying to ruin Christmas for everyone you naughty old Pokemon!
SHADOW: At least I was maintaining a normal body temperature while taking on the form of Father Christmas…. as opposed to freezing my fracking Umbreon tail off in this deplorable accumulation of frozen precipitation…
SPONKIE 1: Have you ever considered evolving into a Glaceon?
SHADOW: Please….. one of those uncouth little ice monsters. I have given serious thought to laying out on some tropical beach far away from where they’ve ever heard of Pokecritter NO! Beam me up, Captain Morgan!
With another POOF, Shadow was gone and the Sponkies trudged along until they came across…
MITZI: (Sprawled out on her back in the snow flailing around) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! This is so much FUN!!!!
SPONKIE 2: Wow, ma’am! Are you making a snow angel?
MITZI: A snow angel? Lulz! No, I just love lying on my back all spread out like this! It’s, like, totally a bimbocorn thing!
SPONKIE 2: Isn’t that…… cold?
MITZI: Nahhhh… I’m about 50% silicone now, so what real flesh is left is, like, totally insulated from freezing solid! The nips are getting a little blue, though….
SPONKIE 2: I think we better… (notices her brother is staring intently at the inviting bimbocorn) Ahem! I was saying…. I THINK WE BETTER BE GOING!!!
MITZI: (Turns to the Sponkie colt) Oooooooh… is that an icicle in your pants, or are you….
SPONKIE 2: (Grabbing her twin’s hand) NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Sponkies, one determined and the other reluctant, continue to make hoof prints in the snow away from the brain-frozen bimbocorn…
SPONKIE 1: Well, hello there Mr. Fox!
SPONKIE 2: Lovely weather we’re having today, isn’t it?
MR. FOX: ……………………
SPONKIE 2: Well…… nice talking with you as always, Mr. Fox.
SPONKIE 1: See ya when you thaw out in the Spring!
SPONKIE 2: This snow really is pretty cool!
SPONKIE 1: Yeah… seems like everyone loves it!
RAINY: Not…… quite!
RAINY: Here I was, dreaming of a Wet Christmas….. and we get THIS instead!
SPONKIE 1: Well, ma’am…. frozen rain is better than…..
RAINY: Frozen rain is NOT RAIN!!!! Look at it…. clogging up my precious rain gauge!
SPONKIE 2: Just think though…. it’ll melt into real rain eventually, and then….
RAINY: Styrofoam peanuts do NOT melt!!! They aren’t even biodegradable!
SPONKIE 1: But this is snow!
RAINY: It’s styrofoam peanuts! Are you two children that naive? Let me show you what Rainy Skunk thinks of being buried under a pile of toxic, man-made packing materials….
Rainy, as only Rainy can, douses the mountain of packing pea….. er, snow with her foul, all-natural defense mechanism… and then shuffles off through the sea of white in a huff.
And then along waddled Buster Possum…
BUSTER: Howdy, kids! (Looks down) Oh boy! I’ve heard lot’s of good things about eating green snow! (Scoops a pawful of the Rainy-treated snow up to his mouth) Mmmmmmm, this stuff’s delicious!
SPONKIE 2: I think I’m going to be sick…
BUSTER: Man, it’s a great day to be outside, isn’t it? I always love playing in the snow! I love how it covers everything up in a beautiful blanket of white…..
Buster’s ode to winter is cut short by….
SNUGGLE BEAR: Snowplow coming through!!!!!
SPONKIE 1: You mean like how you couldn’t tell you were standing in the middle of the street?
BUSTER: Ummmmmm, a little help here, please?
BUSTER: Oh dear….
SNUGGLE: Road’s clear! Now you little brats can go back to school tomorrow!
BUSTER: my…………… spleen………….
SPONKIE 2: Well, shoot, bro! I guess our wintertime fun is over…
SPARKLEPONY: You better believe it is, young lady!!!
SPONKIE 1: Uh oh…. Mom’s not happy!
SPARKLEPONY: You got that right, mister! I have been out in this mess looking for you two troublemakers for hours!!! Who said you could go outside in the snow without your hats, scarves, mittens, boots and coats!?!?
SPONKIE 2: Mom…. we just….
SPARKLEPONY: Don’t backtalk me, little filly! You and your brother are GROUNDED until June! And just wait until your father gets home!!!
SPONKIE 1: (Whispering to his sister) Yeah, he’ll just let us go back outside!
And so the Sponkies make the long walk of shame home with their mother, thus ending another exciting episode of Shelf Critter Theatre….
TROLL: (from his park bench) Crazy drunk drivers!