An Oscar Worthy Performance

VAL: Oh boy… February 15th, and once again I’m still sitting on this damn dusty shelf because no man’s got balls enough to buy their ho a pretty little unicorn like me.  Well, fuck them!  Fuck every one of them.  I’ll just hang out here and watch all the shoppers stroll down the aisle in their PJ’s…

SNUGGLE: Heeeeeeyyyy, $4.98!  And 50% off for after VD Day!  Half of $4.98, that’s…. ummmm… (the smell of burning brain cells fills the stage) about a dollar fifty!  Cool!  I’mma buy this!

VAL: The hell you are, Creepy Bear!

SNUGGLE: Aw, shit!  This must be one of those talking monstrosities that’s going to keep singing bad Justin Bieber songs every time someone walks in front of her sensor!  Eh, I’ll still buy it and rip out the batteries!  My babe loves unicorns!

VAL: Of course she loves unicorns since your babe is an eight year old piece of jailbait.  Why don’t you have a seat over there, Perv.

SNUGGLE: Dafuq’s your problem, bitch?  Does the phrase “Don’t judge me” mean anything to you?

VAL: Attention Mecca Shoppers!  Pedophile in Aisle 13!  Hide the children!

SNUGGLE: Shit, I better get out of here before I end up sharing a shower stall with Big Scrat again!  You’re not just a bitch, you’re a snitch bitch!!!

VAL: Finally.  Alone again to sit here and laugh at the fat asses rolling by on their scooters…

SPONKIE 2: Ooooh!  Mommy!  Can we buy this?

SPONKIE 1: No fair!  If Sis gets a unicorn, I should get a Transformer!

SPARKLEPONY: I’ve just given you both your own allowance.  Mother’s Day is right around the corner, you know…

VAL: Oh Jesus, help me.  Mother’s Day unicorns.  Don’t make me vomit glitter all over the place.

SPARKLEPONY: Do you have a problem with being a token of appreciation for all the backbreaking work a mother does?

VAL: Yeah, I do actually.  I guess your mother did more than just smoke crack while she was banging the Roto Rooter like mine did.  If any snotty kid brought me home to their doting mama so I could sit on her work desk next to the photo of her fucked up family and look like a unitard, I’d gouge their eyes out with my horn and hop away in my cup like hell!

SPARKLEPONY: (Covering the Sponkies’ ears) Looks like someone has some serious issues!

VAL: You try spending your life crammed into a tiny little cup and see how sunshiny you view the fucking world!

SPARKLEPONY:  Let’s get out of here, children!

VAL: Yeah, go back to your neat and tidy stable with your little brats now so you can catch the old man getting a hornjob by someone who’ll actually put out for more than breeding services…

VAL: Gee, I can’t understand why I’m not a more popular gift.  Who wouldn’t want a cute little unicorn to point out all of the faults in their life…

VAL: Great, I smell pot.  I’m having flashbacks to my stint in the Brownies.

FUZZYWIG: Did somebody say brownies?  I’ve had a bad case of the munchies ever since about 4:20.

VAL: Security!  Reefer addict in the pain management aisle!


VAL: Dude, you better get back.  I’m warning you… I’m NOT good around pets.  Especially vicious little annoying runts like you!

FUZZYWIG: Awwwww, he likes you.  You can have him.


VAL: Alright, that’s enough….

Both Fleabag and Fuzzywig tumble backwards at the rousing woof from the problem unicorn.

FUZZYWIG: This unicorn is seriously cramping my mellow.  Come on, mutt, let’s go to the deli case and visit your father…


VAL: Sigh, these are the days I wish someone hadn’t jammed my ass in a cup to be sold off like some cheap knickknack.  The free range unicorns have it made…


MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!  You are so kyoooooooooooooot!!!!

VAL: What are you, like five!?!?  Get that nasty muzzle out of my face.  I’m sure it’s been places I don’t want to think about.

MITZI: Grrl!!!  Mitzi just wants to, like, totally wuv on you!  We could be, like twinsies!!!

VAL: No, we couldn’t.  I have more brains in the tip of my horn than you have on that entire silicone body of yours.  You, alone, have just put our species somewhere under toenail fungus on the list of most intelligent organisms.

MITZI: Like, what?  Mitzi’s orgasms are totally intelligent!

VAL: Would you get lost already you airheaded slut?  Why don’t you hit up the restroom and see if the employees have put in a gloryhole yet…

MITZI: Okie dokies!  Like, buh bye!!!

VAL: And I wonder why critters try to reach inside this cup and grab my ass when they walk by.  The reputation that bimbo has given us magical creatures…

Speaking of magical creatures….

SHADOW: Greetings, critter in a cup!

VAL: Adios, scene stealing asshole!

SHADOW: I am not an asshole.  I am an Umbreon… and I have an important announcement for everyone out there watching this!

VAL: You’re finally coming out of the closet?  I’ll bet the only pussy you’ve sniffed is a cat’s ass…

SHADOW: There are now less than two weeks left to get your entry in for the Contest of Whatever!  Please hurry and…

VAL: What is this, a damned commercial?  No soliciting on this blog, jackoff!  Get lost before I rip your Pokeballs off and jam them in those giant ears!

SHADOW: You can’t intimidate me, defective Valentine’s Day gift.  I’m going to take every opportunity I can get to plug the contest so everyone is dutifully reminded to work on their submissions!

VAL: Yeah, we’ll just see about that…

SHADOW: My sign!  What happened to it!?!?

VAL: Never fuck with a unicorn, rabbit ears!  Now are you going to vamoose in the next five seconds, or am I going to have to magic you to death as well?

SHADOW: Very well, evil creature.  I’ll just…

VAL: Four……. three……. two…..

SHADOW: (Sweating) Alright already!

Shadow vanishes and leaves Val alone on stage again…

VAL: Is there a full moon out there, or is this Shelf just full of whack jobs?  I swear….

SQUIRREL CHILDREN: Auntie Val!  Auntie Val!!!

VAL: Oh….. this is NOT going to end well, I’m afraid.

CHILD 1: Auntie Val, we’re BORED!!!

VAL: Who gives a shit?

CHILD 2: Can you tell us a story?


CHILD 3: Preferably one with lotsa pictures?

VAL: (Gives the children the double “bird”) Can you see this?

CHILD 4: Pleeeeeeeeease!!!!

VAL: One more whiny outburst from you little hellions, and I swear I’ll come out of this cup and stomp all five of you into the ground!

LITTLEST: I’m telling Mommy if you do!!!

VAL: (Leaping from the cup) Well, tell her you little prick!!!!  And you better make it fast before I eye laser your scrawny little ass into a smoldering pile of burnt rugrat!!!

The scared squirrel children all run for home like their tails were on fire…. which they might have been given how close Val came to crispifying them….

VAL: Can this day get anymore fucking annoying?

RAINY: Yes, it can.  I’ve been listening to your fresh mouth the entire time from offstage, and I don’t like it one bit.

VAL: Oh, well I’m SOOOOO fucking sorry, Miss Busybody.  Since you must be a bitch of great importance, I guess I’ll just shut up and ignore all the morons wandering around here.  On second thought…. you’re not my goddamn boss!  Go sit on your precious little rain gauge!

RAINY: You are messing with the WRONG critter, you monohorned misanthrope!  I’ve taught critters a lot more intimidating than you a hard lesson about messing with a skunk.  I think it’s time you get a good whiff of my magical aroma!

VAL: Oooooh, I’m so scared.

RAINY: You better be, because….

VAL: Ahhhhhh, I’ve been holding that in all day.

RAINY: (Cough, hack!) This is wrong!!!  You can’t spray a skunk!!!  (Cough, hack, gag!) This is so nasty!!!  And since when do unicorns…

VAL: A unicorn’s shit doesn’t stink…. but our farts!  I once took down an entire army of minotaurs with just a can of beans!

Rainy stomps off stage…. but not before puking her guts out over the edge due to the ripe essence of the foul unicorn.

VAL: I think I’ve dealt with about enough shit from the assholes of this Shelf today.  So help me, Dog, I swear….. if just ONE MORE critter comes up and bothers me today, I’m taking the horn off STUN and just fucking killing the bastard!

BUSTER: Well hello there, Miss!  It’s a beautiful day we’re having, isn’t it?

VAL: (Charging up her horn laser) Good night, everybody!!!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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14 Responses to An Oscar Worthy Performance

  1. draliman says:

    Buster times his entrance to perfection as usual. And he sounds so happy and chipper too.
    It sounds like Fleabag’s dad had less luck escaping the buffet than he did.

  2. ksbeth says:

    hahahaha – a classic

  3. Well, Buster gets “deaded” yet again but it seems that Val’s horn will murder him without blood anyway. Zeeba will be disappointed when they call “clean up in aisle 4”!


  4. Oh my. I can read the caption “Virgin squirrel viewer sullied and de-flowered by nasty mouth on unicorn with huge issues” I may sue. (bwahahahhahah)….I’d have taken “Val” home with ME, especially since they had all the cuddlies (mostly bears) on 50% off at the local store of glittery valentine stuff that has been sitting there since Ol’ Saint Nick beat feet. Except for the name. True story: The most EVIL bitch I ever knew was named “Val”. I loathed her almost as much as she loathed me, but she was much much bitchier and has ruined the name for me for ever. Only worst name? Lisa. Both can curdle unicorn milk and cause mass fartage of the sparkly (and highly flammable) unicorn kind. Bleah. Let Val know she has a home ANY TIME she wants it. I think we’d get on, even if I did change her name to Suz (Sparkly Unicorn Zshits)…

    • Ha! I have a history with that name as well to where it will always stand out to me and make me think of one particular girl… enough to where I really didn’t want to name the new character that, but what else would a unicorn in a Happy Valentines Day mug be called? Any virgin eared viewers who are stumbling on my blog had better pull up their asbestos underwear or get the hell out of town! My critters take no prisoners…

  5. That’s one demented critter in a cup! 🦄

  6. Garry reminded me this morning that yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I said: “Oh.” Then we drank some coffee.

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